Okay with a potential buyer on the hook and going to look at places I began to stress. I can't seem to get the help I need to get the few fix up jobs around here done. I also began to put a time stress on myself that wasn't really realistic and wasn't helpful. So I began to freak out, I cried at Kathryn my loyal and very helpful companion. However, I knew where I needed to go. I vented to myself on the way out to my parents. Then I spilled all my worry and frustration out to them, they listen really well :D Then they helped me see the solutions I already had, helped me find a few I didn't know about and helped me see some of the unrealistic expectations I was putting on myself. Man it's great to have people that know you and understand you and love you even when you've worked yourself into a real state. I still want to get things done but Kathryn and I came up with an action plan to get some stuff done and my parents helped me find some ideas for what to do after that. They also helped me see that it doesn't all have to be done yesterday and that while it's okay to feel frustrated that nothing's getting done and that I'm hurt that I can't get the support and help I need sometimes that I can get through this and don't need to let it take over everything. In other words I was making a hill into a mountain (it's bigger than a molehill) and that I'm still a little fragile right now so it doesn't take much to send me over the edge and into full blown shut down panic mode.
It's been tough how isolated I'm feeling, I know it's not intentional but it does seem that everyone is busily moving on and forgotten that I'm still fragile underneath the surface and that I'm still struggling to put my life together. The biggest hurt is when people say they can't be here at the house it's just too hard for them and I want to scream but I have to live here and you don't think it's hard. That's why I'm wanting to move, I need to get out of this house. No matter how much I move furniture or rearrange pictures there's still this feeling that he could walk in any moment, I still listen for him to come home, I still see him everywhere. I can take his clothes out of the closet but it's still our closet not mine. Everywhere I turn our past together in this house haunts me and our dreams for the future taunt me. I feel trapped and I want out not that I want to forget him but in order to move on I need a fresh start.
I'm so thankful for the support I have been given and I don't mean to make people feel bad and I don't want pity. I just need to be honest about the isolation and hurt I've been feeling. There is disappointment but there are also steady rocks in my life. I guess this is one of those moments where you find out where you really stand and who your support network is.
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