Monday, August 31

Practicing Patience

Okay, I'm officially fed up with this whole "moving" process mainly because it's not moving. I've decided though that this is God trying to teach me patience. Too bad I'm so bad at it. My tendency is to think a lot about a decision, but once I make it I just want it done. Not so this time, it's no one's fault or anything. It's just every step of this prepping the house to sell takes 10 times as long as I thought and involves 10 times the problems I thought. So I'm looking around for bible verses on patience because this is obviously not one of the fruits of the spirit I posses in abundance. Any suggestions?

I now have an awesome handyman "my uncle Gene" who's going to get everything done but he can't come until the end of September. If anyone in the Edmonton area needs a handyman ask me for his contact information...he's awesome and thorough. I know when he's done the house will easily make back what I'm spending to fix it up.

I also had a lot of great help at my fix up party yesterday. Even with the very hot weather we got a lot done and items packed. I'm still exhausted today from it and humbled by the awesome help I got at a point where I really needed it. It helped me feel better about my support network and restored my faith in my friends and family...which never should have wavered.

It's really humbling to realize how much support I have to draw on and how much I forget that sometimes while I'm trying to steamroll ahead. Sometimes slowing down and practicing patience reveals the holy in the little things. I've been so busy stressing myself and my family and friends out by trying to rush through these pre-moving steps that I've been missing the chances to just visit and be supported by the people who care about me the most. So here's the invite come for a cup of tea, let's go for supper, do you need some help, give me a call.

I'm going to enjoy the next month and not fret about the house or the time it's taking because all these road blocks obviously are a sign that it's not time yet...see God can hit us over the head if we don't listen...and I'm going to trust that when it's time, I'll get a buyer, I'll find an awesome place and it'll all be the right thing. Remember God says, "All things work for good"

Thanks for you patience with me and I'm going to go keep practicing.

Tuesday, August 25

Two in one night!!

Separate from my little rant I wanted to share some songs that have been giving me hope, helping express my feelings and just plain saying what I'm thinking.  

This artist rocks she's got these amazing lyrics, a smokey bluesy voice and she has two songs whose lyrics speak to me. 
I'm Scared 
The blank pages of my diary,
That I haven't touched since you left me,
The closed blinds in my home
See no light of day.
Dust gathers on my stereo
Cos I can't bare to hear the radio
The piano sits in a shaded space
With a picture of your face.

I'm scared to face another day
Cos the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone and I'm scared.

Coffee stains on your favorite book
Remind me of you so I can't take a look.
The magazines you left on the floor,
You won't need them anymore.

A towel left hangin on the wall,
No sign of wet foosteps in the hall
There's no smell of your sweet cologne.
I'm lying here alone.

I'm scared to face another day
Cos the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone and now I'm scared.

Distant Dreamer
Although you think I cope
My head is filled with hope of some place other than here
Although you think I smile
Inside and all the while I'm wondering about my destiny

I'm thinking about all the things
I'd like to do in my life
I'm a dreamer, a distant dreamer
Dreaming far away from today

Even when you see me frown my heart won't let me down
Because I know there's better things to come, woah yeah
And when life gets tough and I feel I've had enough
I hold on to a distant star

Miley Cyrus
Okay I know I'm a little old, but hey she does have a good voice and some of her stuff isn't too bad.  A guilty pleasure is her new song Party in the USA not deep but fun.  However it's the song The Climb that is really uplifting to me and helps me feel better. 
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

Billie Holliday
She's long been a favorite of mine, in fact she's who I'd listen to when Armin and I were first dating.  She can sing a love song but it's her blues I'm listening to now.  If you've never listened to her then listen up this woman is one of the best.  The song I'm loving the most is I'll be seeing you, there are other versions of this song out there but she does it best and brings out the depth that you miss with other artists. 
l'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.

In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children's carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin' well.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

There's always a lot more but these are the ones playing right now for me.  Maybe if ya'll like these I'll post some more recommendations for you.  I'll try to figure out a way to get these to play on my page for you...hmmm a challenge.  If not check them out they are worth it I promise. 

Why I'll always need my parents

Okay with a potential buyer on the hook and going to look at places I began to stress.  I can't seem to get the help I need to get the few fix up jobs around here done.  I also began to put a time stress on myself that wasn't really realistic and wasn't helpful.  So I began to freak out, I cried at Kathryn my loyal and very helpful companion.  However, I knew where I needed to go.  I vented to myself on the way out to my parents.  Then I spilled all my worry and frustration out to them, they listen really well :D  Then they helped me see the solutions I already had, helped me find a few I didn't know about and helped me see some of the unrealistic expectations I was putting on myself.  Man it's great to have people that know you and understand you and love you even when you've worked yourself into a real state.  I still want to get things done but Kathryn and I came up with an action plan to get some stuff done and my parents helped me find some ideas for what to do after that.  They also helped me see that it doesn't all have to be done yesterday and that while it's okay to feel frustrated that nothing's getting done and that I'm hurt that I can't get the support and help I need sometimes that I can get through this and don't need to let it take over everything.  In other words I was making a hill into a mountain (it's bigger than a molehill) and that I'm still a little fragile right now so it doesn't take much to send me over the edge and into full blown shut down panic mode.  

It's been tough how isolated I'm feeling, I know it's not intentional but it does seem that everyone is busily moving on and forgotten that I'm still fragile underneath the surface and that I'm still struggling to put my life together.  The biggest hurt is when people say they can't be here at the house it's just too hard for them and I want to scream but I have to live here and you don't think it's hard.  That's why I'm wanting to move, I need to get out of this house.  No matter how much I move furniture or rearrange pictures there's still this feeling that he could walk in any moment, I still listen for him to come home, I still see him everywhere.  I can take his clothes out of the closet but it's still our closet not mine.  Everywhere I turn our past together in this house haunts me and our dreams for the future taunt me.  I feel trapped and I want out not that I want to forget him but in order to move on I need a fresh start.  

I'm so thankful for the support I have been given and I don't mean to make people feel bad and I don't want pity.  I just need to be honest about the isolation and hurt I've been feeling.  There is disappointment but there are also steady rocks in my life.  I guess this is one of those moments where you find out where you really stand and who your support network is.  

Friday, August 21

Finance 101

Today I learned the value of a financial planner.  For five months I've been fighting over things with the bank, with the whole thing getting more and more messed up.  While the bank has made mistakes I'll agree that I've also not been the most on top of things.  Armin was our finance guy which means I agreed to take the now I'm just not as on top of things as I should be.  Not that I didn't know what was going on with our finances I just didn't do the little details.  Well now I'm in charge and things were going downhill, my frustration level was rising and I was beginning to think I was financially retarded.  

NOT TRUE says the financial planner.  In a one hour session he got everything figured out, told me what to write to the bank to get it figured out, what questions I need to ask my house/car insurance company, helped me figure out an investment plan which means I could retire comfortably at 55 (Yup 55) and pays me money each month, took care of transfering Armin's pension money into a pension for me as well next session we'll go over my mortgage needs and my future insurance needs.  I think I'm in love....well okay he's my dad's age and not my type but you know what I mean.  I now have a binder with everything organized instead of a pile of paper.  I'll be getting monthly investment statements with the option to go online everyday and watch my investments.  

I'm finding myself wondering why more people don't know about this fabulous service, the first appointment was free and then based on what services you want you have fixed costs for some of them or some of them work like your bank costs.  So the second big thing I've learned is a financial planner is totally worth it they can help with finance, insurance, future planning now all I have to worry about is what to spend it on....that's the part I'm good at.  So what are you waiting for....

Wednesday, August 19

Power of positivity

I woke up this  morning and decided I wouldn't let things get me down but that I'd be positive.  Today marks a happy day and just like with all the other holidays and birthdays I've faced I decided to look for the good.  So just an update to say it's been a good day, K and I packed boxes of books we're about half done.  I filled 2 bags and a bin with goodwill items (all mine) and for a special treat for me....brownies fresh baked and ready soon to be served with vanilla bean ice cream....mmmmm.... 

On prayer news please pray for my Grandma, her finger thing is getting weirder so they are going to take it off (the finger I mean).  This third surgery is set for September 4th and should hopefully be the last in this finger bone cancer saga.  Grandma's a little anxious and frustrated with the process so just pray for peace for her and steady hands for the surgery team. 

On Tuesday I'll be going to look at a variety of places trying to decide what I want to move to.  This should be exciting and fun, my realtor keeps telling me not to fall in love but there is this one listing...but really I need to see some places before I make any decisions.  I'll keep you all posted on my shopping day!

Well the brownies and my new magazines call, if you're ever bored and need something to do give me a call...I have quite a few projects needing doing or avoiding depending on your mood.

Tuesday, August 18

Un-Happy Anniversary

Today (while okay in 2 hours) it's the 19th of August.  9 years ago was my wedding day, now I'm celebrating the fact I'm not crying (yet at least) as I miss the man I thought I would be growing old with.  9 years ago was one of my happiest days, 5 months ago was one of the saddest.  Inside I'm screaming like a 2 year old NOT FAIR but outside I seem to have it together. 

The hardest things for me right now is saying goodbye to the dreams we had together.  Deciding to sell the house meant an acceptance that those dreams we had for this place and our life here were not going to happen.  There won't be any little feet (except cat paws), there won't be a need to build an addition or build our own place out by my parents.  We won't get to go to vegas next year for our 10th anniversary.  The trips we had planned won't happen.  That's a tough pill to swallow.

So now what new dreams do I want to I throw myself into work, go back to school, travel, persue my art?  Where do I want to live, a townhouse in the suburbs, an apartment condo overlooking the river valley, a funky loft in the downtown core, someplace by Whyte? What will I take with me?  What should I get rid of?  and what the heck do you do with a 9year old wedding dress when the marriage is over and there's no one to inherit it (like they would have wanted it anyways)?  

I've been blessed with a lot of great help so the garage is all cleaned out, it only took 3 trips to the eco centre, 3 truck loads went to the farm and 1 to goodwill, a dozen garbage and recycling bags and a few items left for me to deliver to friends, or a pawnshop. I only cried once when I found that he'd kept a valentine I'd sent him in his toolbox, that hurt to know he kept it in one of his favorite places, just like seeing all the things I'd given him in the boxes from his office. 

Next up is boxing up my books so I can lay carpet in the study this should only take a few days despite rumors to the contrary.  Left to do is some painting, trim work, ceiling tiles in the basement and a deep cleaning.  I think I may actually be able to get this done before September so my plans to list will go forward.  If you're able to help with some of the finishing work I'd sure appreciate it, construction isn't my strong suit :-D 

When I focus on the details of my to do list I can ignore the pain behind the decisions but the pain will catch up with me usually at night when I let myself just breathe.  

As a side note I'm really wanting to go out dancing...all night like we used to.  I know you're all feeling old but I say're only as old as you feel so give yourself permission to have some fun and join me for an evening.  I just need to blow off some steam and dancing's the easiest way to do that.  Email me if you're interested.  

Well here's wishing you a happy anniversary sweetheart, wish you were here...missing you lots.

Thursday, August 13

A Good Day

Well it had to happen, today was a good day.  I slept in, had lots of time to get ready for work since I worked the late shift.  Had a productive and enjoyable day at work, went grocery shopping on my lunch hour and then went to a movie after work because well why not.  Then I drove home late but content knowing the cats would want their supper but other than that all is good.  That's when it hit me, today felt normal,  no phantom ache, no feeling of something missing and then I crashed a little.  If I hadn't driven up to the garage of this house would i have even noticed or thought about Armin once?  Is that okay?  Am I ready for acceptance?  

I don't know,

I just know that slowly time is healing my wounds.  I know that their are now people in my life who don't know Armin and wouldn't know I was once married if I don't tell them.  I know that I listened as friends discussed dating and actually think hmmm maybe I should get some tips.  I know that I'm not ready to move on completely because it hurts when I realize I am moving on.  I know I irrationally think he'd be hurt that for one day I didn't think about him.  However, I will move on, there will be days when I don't think about him, slowly he will fade into a memory, I will date someday, I won't drive into this garage and that's okay he understands and it's what I have to do.  But not yet for now I'll cry a little and feel a little sad that I am moving on but it was a good day.  

Tuesday, August 11


Why does life have to move so fast?  August is zooming by and I've decided to put my place up for sale in September, some time in between I need to clean out the garage, finish the basement, recarpet the study (after removing everything from there) steam clean a sofa, declutter and pack away stuff, get in cleaners to do a deep clean of everything, and get my messed up finance stuff figured out.  Sometime in there I work weekends, take a trip to Ottawa, Fringe festival happens, and I have to cope with facing our anniversary. Yup piece of cake...NOT  oh yeah as well the lawn still needs mowing and I haven't done dishes in a while so they should probably get done.  

So what did I do for two days...feel so overwhelmed I went into a funk, had horrible heartburn and stay in bed without showering.  I get so mad at myself I have all this stuff to do but I can't get motivated to do it.  Part of me just wants it to go away but that won't happen anytime soon.  I feel so swamped I just want to cry and now I'm double book for garage cleaning day and have to work something out for that.  I just don't know how I'm going to get this all done and I don't even know how to drywall so I have to find some help but don't even know where to begin. 

Okay that's my pity party for today.  On the positive side I had a great time visiting with Greg, Ranee and the girls and I'm looking forward to my trip to see them in Ottawa and have more time visiting with them the September long weekend.  I also had a great time with my family as we celebrated my mom's birthday.  I also got my sister's long overdue birthday presents completed. The meeting with realtor went really well and he gave me solid things I need to get done to show the place, he also assured me he can help me find something perfect for me in my price range :-)  and as a bonus he gave me the name of someone who can help me straighten up the mess the bank has made of my financial life.  

So mainly I'm saying the rollercoaster continues I go up, I go down.  Right now is the spinny part where I feel disorientated and a little lost but I think we all have days like that.