Tuesday, August 18

Un-Happy Anniversary

Today (while okay in 2 hours) it's the 19th of August.  9 years ago was my wedding day, now I'm celebrating the fact I'm not crying (yet at least) as I miss the man I thought I would be growing old with.  9 years ago was one of my happiest days, 5 months ago was one of the saddest.  Inside I'm screaming like a 2 year old NOT FAIR but outside I seem to have it together. 

The hardest things for me right now is saying goodbye to the dreams we had together.  Deciding to sell the house meant an acceptance that those dreams we had for this place and our life here were not going to happen.  There won't be any little feet (except cat paws), there won't be a need to build an addition or build our own place out by my parents.  We won't get to go to vegas next year for our 10th anniversary.  The trips we had planned won't happen.  That's a tough pill to swallow.

So now what new dreams do I want to dream...do I throw myself into work, go back to school, travel, persue my art?  Where do I want to live, a townhouse in the suburbs, an apartment condo overlooking the river valley, a funky loft in the downtown core, someplace by Whyte? What will I take with me?  What should I get rid of?  and what the heck do you do with a 9year old wedding dress when the marriage is over and there's no one to inherit it (like they would have wanted it anyways)?  

I've been blessed with a lot of great help so the garage is all cleaned out, it only took 3 trips to the eco centre, 3 truck loads went to the farm and 1 to goodwill, a dozen garbage and recycling bags and a few items left for me to deliver to friends, or a pawnshop. I only cried once when I found that he'd kept a valentine I'd sent him in his toolbox, that hurt to know he kept it in one of his favorite places, just like seeing all the things I'd given him in the boxes from his office. 

Next up is boxing up my books so I can lay carpet in the study this should only take a few days despite rumors to the contrary.  Left to do is some painting, trim work, ceiling tiles in the basement and a deep cleaning.  I think I may actually be able to get this done before September so my plans to list will go forward.  If you're able to help with some of the finishing work I'd sure appreciate it, construction isn't my strong suit :-D 

When I focus on the details of my to do list I can ignore the pain behind the decisions but the pain will catch up with me usually at night when I let myself just breathe.  

As a side note I'm really wanting to go out dancing...all night like we used to.  I know you're all feeling old but I say bull...you're only as old as you feel so give yourself permission to have some fun and join me for an evening.  I just need to blow off some steam and dancing's the easiest way to do that.  Email me if you're interested.  

Well here's wishing you a happy anniversary sweetheart, wish you were here...missing you lots.

1 comment:

Jen said...

Lots and lots of hugs to you. I knew that this year would have been your nine-year anniversary (your wedding was the third one I attended after my transplant) but I wasn't sure what the date was. Kepp strong my friend!