Friday, July 31


Okay my last post was a lot negative, sorry but I'm trying not to pull any punches and let you see all the sides of my grief process.  Today is a better day and I wanted to share some thoughts on my growth through this.  

Like most people when I was confirmed I was given a bible verse; mine was from Revelations  "Be faithful even unto the point of death and I will give you the crown of life". When it was given to me I had just lost both my grandfathers and my family was putting things back together after my Dad's accident and this verse helped me through that time.   It's been ringing in my ears a lot lately urging me not to turn my back on the faith that gives me strength.  This verse has often helped me but now it seems I'm staring death right in the eyes and I'm choosing faithfulness.  My reward will be long in coming but it's worth it.  

 Also,  I share my bad moments so that you can see how great the work God is doing in my life.  Paul writes, "His strength is made perfect in my weakness" and that is true in my own life.  Without the strength of my faith I would surrender and give in to my pain but instead I am able to get up and praise for the life I had and still have.  I can smile, laugh most days but it's true there are bad moments.  

I also owe a lot of thanks to so many people, who offer me their support be in phone calls, emails, help around the house, a distraction when I need it and so much more.  I will never be able to repay all the help I've received.  I'm blessed to have such an amazing community surrounding me at this time, thank you for your patience with me as I'm still slow to return calls, still taking more than I'm giving and still needing support.  

Thank You!

Wednesday, July 29

Screaming in the dark

Today is one of those days where it all comes back and hits me wham.  Probably because I realized it's 4 months today, although it feels like 4 years. At this point I've stopped waiting for him to come home, the reality is settling in but so is the loneliness. It seems like everyone I know is pregnant, engaged or just married.  All these happy states are great but they tend to keep people home with their family and I see everyone around me settling into their little family units just while I lost mine.  At four months they've moved on and I'm supposedly not as fragile but this gives me a scary glimpse at the future.  Right now what I see is everyone around me having their families, while I'm alone invited to join them to bask in their happy glow and that rings hollow.  I want my happily ever after back.  I don't want to be alone.  It's hard for me to reach out and what I miss the most I can't get anywhere else, that routine day to day chitchat, that just knowing that someone is at the other part of the house to talk to.  I miss the dumb say nothing emails we used to send when bored. The what for dinner phone calls, the discussion of who was going to take care of what.  I even miss the arguements over whose junk was taking up more space.  No one can fill that void.  Today I'm angry that he broke his promise to be here for me forever, even though it's not a promise he could keep, but I'm hurt he's gone and that I have to go through this without his strength beside me  I can't be positive today and I know everyone will say that their there for me whatever need, or that God is there so I'm not really alone.  That's true I can't deny that but God doesn't hold me when I cry, he doesn't laugh at my silly thoughts, and all of you can't be here 24/7.  I'm trying to be strong, to adapt, to move on but what I'm mourning is our life together, the dreams we shared and that was a big part of who I am.  

Today was made worse by the news by Grandma's operation wasn't the end of her cancer battle, they've now decided that they have to take the whole finger not just the bone shard they removed.  I'm scared to lose her and I hurt for her.  

I also surrendered Sabrina to the SPCA, she was adopted almost 24 hours later so while I'm glad she's onto a hopefully better home than I could provide and I'm glad to say the cats are happier and my home cleaner, I am sad to say goodbye to such a sweet dog.  

I'm also pondering a big decision, now the mortgage is settled and the reality is that the yardwork is more than I want to do, I'm pretty sure I'm going to move but I have two options.  
       1. Rent this place out and use the insurance money as a down payment on a small 
           apartment condo.
      2. Sell this place and use that money to buy a bigger apartment condo or a townhouse and 
           invest the insurance money.  
Both are good options, both could be right I hate things that don't have a clear right or wrong.  I'm going to talk with a realtor and a banker, but this limbo is hard.  I just know that the time is almost right for me to move away from this place and into something more manageable.  On that note anyone want to mow my lawn?  I'm trying hard not to worry and to keep my mind on positive things but part of this blog is a place for me to vent all my feelings and let you see the true thoughts I have not blow sunshine and rainbows at you.  

I'm going to go for a walk to get milk, maybe reward myself with a book from the used bookstore and then come home and hug a cat or two or three. 


Friday, July 24

Grown Up?

Yesterday I realized it's exactly 3 months to my birthday, my 30th birthday to be exact.  Before this spring that was something to cause mild anxiety for me because I had not achieved all the items on my to do before 30 list.  I know stupid right but I'm pretty sure everyone has a list like this and for some reason 30 is the magic number where you're supposed to be grown up and have it all together or at least fake it really well. Certain birthdays bring with them certain meanings, sweet 16, 18 when you can finally be legal, 21 where you're legal everywhere, over the hill at ??....the list goes on but for me the age was 30 and it was freaking me out.  

After loosing Armin this spring I realized I'm more grown up than I think I am and that 30 is just a number.  Without Armin I probably won't achieve the have a kid before 30 goal, but I may get to fit in some of the world travel that was also on the list. I also realized that it's just an arbitrary list...I'm not in control, God is.  He also has a list of things for me to do and maybe I should be paying more attention to his list than mine.  So now I'm facing only 3 months left of my 20s but the anxiety is gone, I'm spending this time gathering my thoughts making some decisions about my future but mostly listening to God and trying to discern what he wants me to do.  I figure his plan has to be better than mine.  

It's scary being single but for the first time I'm standing on my feet and moving forward making my own decisions but I want them to be good decisions.  Part of me wants to jump right into dating because I don't really like being alone but I realize this is just me wanting to fill the void left where Armin was in my life but it isn't fair to ask someone to just be a "replacement".  I think this is a time for me to embrace being single to not jump back into familiar waters but to move forward (a little cautiously) but forward and explore these new opportunities.  But I do have to say that it really sucks that my biological clock just starting ticking now....stupid broken clock...oh well those of you with kids now know who to call when you want a babysitter :D 

Thursday, July 23

Family Fun

Well I'm back from a fab visit to Racine Wi where we had our first Sattler family reunion in 28 years.  It was so cool to be with the cousins and I had some great visits and enjoyed watching the kids play.  We got to tour the SC Johnson admin building which was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright,  wow I love his stuff.  I ate my fill of Kringle, an amazing Danish pastry.  I shopped a little, got sunburned and came home exhausted.  It was nice to get out of town and away from my routines. Now it's back to home and getting it cleaned up, finishing some of those errands that I've been neglecting and dealing with the dog situation.  

Sadly I think Sabrina and I will have to part ways so I'll be surrendering her back to the SPCA this weekend if I'm strong enough to follow through with it.  I feel horrible, guilty and sad about this decision but I can't give her what she needs and I can't keep loosing furniture to her destructive tendancies.  I just hope she can find a home with people who can love her and be with her all the time.  This is really stressing me out but I don't have any other options.  

On another note I'm beginning to think about moving so I've been browsing on and it looks like this would be a good time to buy/sell for me.  I'm torn between a townhouse or an apartment condo and I'm not sure which I would prefer.  I guess I'll need to sit down and figure out exactly what I want/need in a place but so far I'm just in the fun window shopping phase.  I can't do anything till the bank settles the mortage with me and I'm still waiting for them to get their act together so I probably still have a bit of time to wait before I can even make any decisions.  In the meantime I'll continue to look and think about my options.  

I know I promised pictures but they'll have to wait for a bit, I have a bunch of housecleaning to do so all fun activities are suspended until that's done...I have to be tough on myself or nothing will get done. 

What I'm reading/listening to
So I've not been reading too much lately besides lots of magazines but if you're into art, scrapbooking, quilting or just puttering around check out the magazine Cloth, Paper, Scissors  it's amazing I've now subscribed to it.  Another great magazine I've just discovered is Somerset Studio the art of paper and mixed media.  Both of these have wonderful inspirational projects, good how to instructions and are just packed with great ideas.  I've also been rereading the Robin Owens Summoning series but they are just fluffy fantasy nothing that special or great but just really light reading.  
I've found a new artist I really like for music, Emilie Autumn.  Her stuff is an interesting blend of classical and punk.  Her lyrics are amazing she refrences a lot of classic literary heroines even as she's dealing with  modern problems.  Check her out she's well worth it.

Well enough procrastinating off to clean house, and get groceries.  

Sunday, July 12

Glimpses of the Past

Mom wants her house back and since all of us are officially moved out, never to return she's asking us to get rid of our junk.  So I hauled home the last few boxes of childhood junk, toys and memorabilia from the closets of their home.  I spent several hours digging through these treasure troves of my past remembering the girl I was at a point where I'm trying to figure out the woman I'm going to be.  This year I turn 30 a major turning point made even more significant by the recent loss of Armin.  So I thought as my first post in quite a while to share these items of significance with you and the memories I found stashed away by a younger me, saved for a future me to reminisce over.  Quite a lot of this is going to goodwill for some other youngster to collect and treasure until their older self realizes their non-worth but some of it will always be part of my life and will now move into my home as valued objects lost for awhile but now reclaimed. 

My hat collection...none of which were good choices and most do not fit anymore (can you head grow?)  
Favorite Sidney Sheldon book, mostly due to one character being named Megan.  It was read to death, stained by koolaid powder and now gross very gross, good thing I have another copy :D
One of 3 boxes of books which as I dug through was like meeting old friends you'd forgotten about but they are so familiar that you can pick them up and remember every detail of them and the times you spent together. 

My grad photos, certificates of achievement, awards I'd won, and artwork I did dating back to elementary and all the cards from my 18th birthday were in this box.  

This spoon stolen at Christmas 1997 by me from BPs while visiting with the girls from High School while home for University.  The only thing I've ever taken and boy did I feel like a bad a** but reality is boy what a dork.  

This little memory cabinet was built by my Grandpa to house the many little trinkets a child accumulates and wants to save, while keeping her mother happy that they are not cluttering up the house they are on display.  You'll see a fake fossil made at the dinosaur exhibit, a california grape, several cow erasers and my name badge from when my family was awarded Farm Family at Klondike Days.  

Why was this McDonald's toy important to young me?  I have no clue, the mouse made out of a walnut was made by my other Grandpa and I collected animal figurines but why a space ship out of plastic. 

This book contains diary entries so embaressing and revealing I will shortly be burning it, man the pain of being 18.  
Look an original know it's original by the walkman and the snazzy outfit from a time of fashion best left forgotten. 
Angela, my cabbage patch doll...but wait you say she isn't a cabbage patch doll.  Okay so she isn't officially a CPD but she was made with love by my mom at the peak of CPD mania when you couldn't find them except for more than my parents could afford and now my CPD is worth more than any collectors CPD because she's priceless, one of a kind and carries more love in her than any mass produced doll could ever have.  The funky hair cut happened when my sister decided to practice her cutting skills...grrrr. Her original outfit was no where to be found, it was a nightgown made to match the nightgown I got that Christmas so we could match.  

There were many other toys, books and scraps of paper...but wait for it next time I will share never before seen pictures taken by young for it.....I promise not to caption with names to protect the not so innocent :D