Grown Up?

Yesterday I realized it's exactly 3 months to my birthday, my 30th birthday to be exact.  Before this spring that was something to cause mild anxiety for me because I had not achieved all the items on my to do before 30 list.  I know stupid right but I'm pretty sure everyone has a list like this and for some reason 30 is the magic number where you're supposed to be grown up and have it all together or at least fake it really well. Certain birthdays bring with them certain meanings, sweet 16, 18 when you can finally be legal, 21 where you're legal everywhere, over the hill at ??....the list goes on but for me the age was 30 and it was freaking me out.  

After loosing Armin this spring I realized I'm more grown up than I think I am and that 30 is just a number.  Without Armin I probably won't achieve the have a kid before 30 goal, but I may get to fit in some of the world travel that was also on the list. I also realized that it's just an arbitrary list...I'm not in control, God is.  He also has a list of things for me to do and maybe I should be paying more attention to his list than mine.  So now I'm facing only 3 months left of my 20s but the anxiety is gone, I'm spending this time gathering my thoughts making some decisions about my future but mostly listening to God and trying to discern what he wants me to do.  I figure his plan has to be better than mine.  

It's scary being single but for the first time I'm standing on my feet and moving forward making my own decisions but I want them to be good decisions.  Part of me wants to jump right into dating because I don't really like being alone but I realize this is just me wanting to fill the void left where Armin was in my life but it isn't fair to ask someone to just be a "replacement".  I think this is a time for me to embrace being single to not jump back into familiar waters but to move forward (a little cautiously) but forward and explore these new opportunities.  But I do have to say that it really sucks that my biological clock just starting ticking now....stupid broken clock...oh well those of you with kids now know who to call when you want a babysitter :D