Wednesday, July 29

Screaming in the dark

Today is one of those days where it all comes back and hits me wham.  Probably because I realized it's 4 months today, although it feels like 4 years. At this point I've stopped waiting for him to come home, the reality is settling in but so is the loneliness. It seems like everyone I know is pregnant, engaged or just married.  All these happy states are great but they tend to keep people home with their family and I see everyone around me settling into their little family units just while I lost mine.  At four months they've moved on and I'm supposedly not as fragile but this gives me a scary glimpse at the future.  Right now what I see is everyone around me having their families, while I'm alone invited to join them to bask in their happy glow and that rings hollow.  I want my happily ever after back.  I don't want to be alone.  It's hard for me to reach out and what I miss the most I can't get anywhere else, that routine day to day chitchat, that just knowing that someone is at the other part of the house to talk to.  I miss the dumb say nothing emails we used to send when bored. The what for dinner phone calls, the discussion of who was going to take care of what.  I even miss the arguements over whose junk was taking up more space.  No one can fill that void.  Today I'm angry that he broke his promise to be here for me forever, even though it's not a promise he could keep, but I'm hurt he's gone and that I have to go through this without his strength beside me  I can't be positive today and I know everyone will say that their there for me whatever need, or that God is there so I'm not really alone.  That's true I can't deny that but God doesn't hold me when I cry, he doesn't laugh at my silly thoughts, and all of you can't be here 24/7.  I'm trying to be strong, to adapt, to move on but what I'm mourning is our life together, the dreams we shared and that was a big part of who I am.  

Today was made worse by the news by Grandma's operation wasn't the end of her cancer battle, they've now decided that they have to take the whole finger not just the bone shard they removed.  I'm scared to lose her and I hurt for her.  

I also surrendered Sabrina to the SPCA, she was adopted almost 24 hours later so while I'm glad she's onto a hopefully better home than I could provide and I'm glad to say the cats are happier and my home cleaner, I am sad to say goodbye to such a sweet dog.  

I'm also pondering a big decision, now the mortgage is settled and the reality is that the yardwork is more than I want to do, I'm pretty sure I'm going to move but I have two options.  
       1. Rent this place out and use the insurance money as a down payment on a small 
           apartment condo.
      2. Sell this place and use that money to buy a bigger apartment condo or a townhouse and 
           invest the insurance money.  
Both are good options, both could be right I hate things that don't have a clear right or wrong.  I'm going to talk with a realtor and a banker, but this limbo is hard.  I just know that the time is almost right for me to move away from this place and into something more manageable.  On that note anyone want to mow my lawn?  I'm trying hard not to worry and to keep my mind on positive things but part of this blog is a place for me to vent all my feelings and let you see the true thoughts I have not blow sunshine and rainbows at you.  

I'm going to go for a walk to get milk, maybe reward myself with a book from the used bookstore and then come home and hug a cat or two or three. 


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