Friday, June 4

I'm sorry officer

Today was a good day, yes we said goodbye to my Great Aunt Rena today but she was remembered very fondly and after 92 years you feel like it's okay to say goodbye for now, we'll miss her but since she'd been in care the last 8 years most of those paralyzed with Parkinson's it was more of a celebration of her life than a sad event. It was nice to visit with my cousins, watch their kids play, tease each other fondly and share remembrances.

Also the weather was beautiful today I put the top down on the car and enjoyed the sunshine. This is the type of day I'm glad I have cruise control. The sun was beating down, the tunes were cranked and I was singing along...and thankfully the cruise control was set. I could've driven for hours and it's just too easy to speed on days like this.

Now I'm sitting in the backyard, sipping iced tea lemonade, watching the kids next door play, with some tunes and debating what to do now. I could clean house (blah), work on the crazy quilt I started yesterday, photograph and post some older projects, veg in front of the tv, go to a movie. Just not sure what to do, maybe I'll just sit here and enjoy the weather and be glad it's not my kid throw the temper tantrum next door :D LOL!

Unfortunatly we got news that will keep my dad in the hospital longer. He needs to have surgery and an MRI so he'll be at the UofA for most of this month we think :( A simple dislocated shoulder seems so much more complicated when your arms are your primary form of motion. I was teasing him that he with his one good arm and the guy on the ward with only one good leg should pair up :D LOL He's actually doing pretty good now but he was pretty sick earlier with an infection which caused all sorts of problems. I know my mom is strong but I can see this wearing on her. So please keep them in your prayers. I feel guilty cuz I'm not working I feel I should be at the hospital visiting but seeing Dad there reminds me so much of his accident and brings so many emotions back so I struggle to go and that's not fair to him. I did earn major Grandma points because I took her with me on Wednesday to visit Dad. Sometimes it's such simple things that bring her such joy but they seem so hard to fit into a busy life.

I've been struggling lately really feeling stuck. I haven't got the house listed yet not because of any major reason just my inability to do the last few things and take the last few steps needed. I realized as much as it pains me to be here alone without Armin it's a bit of a safety net too. As long as I'm here I still have that life, this house holds so many memories. As stupid and illogical as it is to say as long as I'm here there's still that feeling he could walk in any minute and that brings me comfort and torments me at the same time. We were so happy here and selling the house means admitting and closing the door on that. I'm really looking forward to school and excited about the possiblities in Regina but first I have to close the door all the way on a major chapter of my adult life. These last few steps are the hardest for me, they're so important and I need to do them but right now I'm a little stuck. There's been a lot of soggy pillow nights since I've been back. Someone rightly said too that it's also post trip readjustment and that also is true.

Part of me wishes I could just pay someone to do all these last things for me and that I could just jump right into the next steps but I can't skip the emotional work either. Add to this the stress of Dad being in the hospital and I've been a bit of a wreck the last few weeks. I'm proud of myself that I'm able to be honest about this and I've asked a friend for some help with some of these last steps giving me that gentle kick I need to get them done, unfortunately we were supposed to do them today but they were postponed due to the funeral being today. I've also been struggling with a resurgence of my labrythitis so I'm mildly dizzy and nauseous all the time which isn't much fun. Thankfully I've dealt with it before so I know it will pass I just need to be patient and this time is much milder.

This was supposed to be an upbeat yeah for the nice weather post and I can't believe it was snowing last weekend and now I'm outside in shorts and turned into a poor pitiful me post. Life is good, there are some bumps in the road but that doesn't mean the journey isn't fun or bad. Today is a good day a sit in the sun and enjoy the weather kind of day...a just breathe and enjoy the moment kind of day...and aren't those the best kind of days. I'm going ignore the housework it'll be there tomorrow and enjoy this first really summery day no matter what. I hope you get out and enjoy the evening as well.

1 comment:

Jen said...

Sorry to hear that your dad is in the hospital - I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

When I get to feeling discouraged, I like to remember this verse: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deuteronomy 3:18) Another one that's always helped is Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Just keep trusting in God, and He will help you over, around and through all the difficulties you're experiencing.