Weakness

I thought things were getting easier but then grief hits me again and it seems harder than ever. I'm flashing back to the day he died, the images I've fought to forget from that day won't leave me alone. I cried so hard last night I made myself sick so I phoned in sick from work, I'm beginning to feel like the worst employee in the world. I used to be reliable, focused and positive but now I barely make it through a shift. I feel horrible about it.

I'm also being hit pretty hard with how much I've lost. I just want my life back the way it was. How can you move forward when all you want to do is run back to what you had. How do you teach your heart to stop feeling hope that this is all a bad dream. I love him so much, he was my world, my best friend, my better half and I want him back. I knew how lucky I was to have him I didn't need to lose him to learn that. I miss all the little things we shared, hearing I love you in German, the song "you are my sunshine", his hugs, nothing anymore smells like him, I miss the little emails we'd share, I miss laughing with him, I still talk to him when I'm alone but I miss the answers.

Why did he have to go? Why didn't we get our happily ever after? I've said this all before, I've asked all these questions before but I still have no answers.