Friday, March 14

Midlife crisis

Appologies up front but this is going to be a rambling post, just one of those nights.

I think I'm having a mid life crisis (despite the fact that I hope I'm nowhere near midlife). I bought a sports car I can't drive and a motorcycle I can't drive. My theme this spring is "yes I'm coming up on 30 and in driving lessons at the AMA". Actually despite the driving lessons and my discouragement with how hard I'm finding driving stick to be, I'm really pleased with my new purchases. I like fast cars and I've always wanted a motorcycle so to get both this spring is a big exciting leap for me. I've come to the realization that despite the pressure to have kids I'm just not ready. Nothing about kids excites me right now. I think kids are cute and I enjoy working with them at the library but I'm glad to be selfish right now and enjoy my freedom. DH and I are also saving for our trip to Europe this fall and I'm really looking forward to it. Things have been chaotic at work and will continue to be so until we finally get into the new building (sometime this summer) then the fun of tons of people coming just to see the new branch begins, so a vacation will be inorder for this fall.

Back to the midlife crisis, I think I'm just in a space where I'm trying to find me again. For so long I was really tied up with my church work and friends and got sucked into a vortex where I got lost, combine that with getting married before 20 and working hard to make that we work and I think I lost me. I mean I turned into a car girl without even noticing and it's been longer than I care to admit since I worked on my poetry. At work they call me little miss sunshine and that just bugs the heck out of me just because I don't walk around angst filled and angry, taking it out on everyone around me doesn't mean I don't have pain but I've gotten so good at hiding the real me behind the facade society demands. Why is it that the only socially correct answer to "how you doing?" is "fine"? Try answering anything else and watch everyone's reaction it's actually quite funny. Add to this the fact most of my so called friends are too busy to find time to spend with me but that my work schedule is so demanding and erratic I can't even take a course or get involved in a club to meet new people which just means I'm feeling very isolated. I think I've had longer conversations with my cat lately than with anyone meaningful. Even DH has been preoccupied with stuff lately (namely guitar hero) and has been unavailable for deep discussions. Sigh oh well I make it sound like my life sucks but everything points to the contrary maybe I'm just suffering from what my mom calls old cow syndrome-the grass is always greener on the other side. Maybe I should look at what I'm thankful for:

1. Things have settled down with the wedding shower turns out wires got crossed and mom was told we were doing the sex toy party for the shower instead of the stagette. Like I'd do a sex toy party at an event my Grandmother was going to that is so wrong. Hopefully I can stay out of the fray for future wedding inspired blowups.

2. Driving Lessons are coming along and soon will be done and then I get to enjoy driving my new car and motorcycle.

3. My job is great, been stressful lately but it's still great and the new assistant manager looks to be a good guy.

4. New scrapbooking stuff-discovered a fabulous new scrapbook store on my way to and from work so I've been quietly stocking up :-) I've also been enjoying ebay shopping for scrapbook stuff. Now I should actually work on an album with all the cool stuff I've bought.

5. DH- he really is the best because after I cried on his shoulder last night he took me out for supper tonight and spent a lot of time just listening to what I was thinking and feeling. He also wins the award for patience while he's been helping me practice driving stick and for knowing that sometimes ice cream does solve everything.

That's a much more positive way to end this post!


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