Happy New Year

Well many of you have written fabulous year in reviews, that I've quite enjoyed reading. I feel this year doesn't need me to go back over it. So I'm just going to go back and tell you about my christmas and wish you a very Happy 2010.

I actually had a pretty quiet and relaxed Christmas. I stayed at my parents for the whole time and it was really nice to be there and relax. Just lots of time for visiting, relaxing and playing games with the people who matter most, family. Boxing Day with the Ginther family cousins all get together and we had a good time.

Sadly the next day brought the sad news that our Great Aunt Elsie had passed away. She will be greatly missed but illness had meant the last few years had greatly robbed her of her quality of life so in some ways it's good to know she's in a much happier place. She had a gentle servant heart which meant she served for 70 years as church organist and taught Sunday School at least that long. She didn't make big waves or do big things but quietly lived a faith filled life of simplicity. There's a lot of things I'm taking from her life but I'm still processing through them, looking for the ways she's impacted me.

New Year's was a mixed evening, lots of people I didn't expect came and those I would have had different plans. For some reason the new year was harder than Christmas for me. Part of it was seeing so many familiar faces missing brought home the reality that I didn't just loose my husband but I also lost my comfortable life. I once had some friends say they would only be friends with people that were like them. At the time this statement angered and perplexed me, but I think I'm beginning to understand that they were just expressing a ugly truth.

For many years, I've struggled to grasp how come it feels that friendship causes more hurt than joy in my life? Why so often the person you swear is your best friend today will drift away from you tomorrow? I'm realizing it's not because you stop caring for one another, it's because your lives have changed. So the true measure of friendship isn't how often you're together or what you share but what happens when you fall down. So I've realized my feeling hurt because not everyone I expected to see at New Year's wasn't there is silly. What mattered was they were there earlier last year when I really needed it.

The next year brings many changes and that means friendships may drift, people get busy with their own lives, I'll be moving away and in the end that doesn't mean we aren't friends just that life has gotten in the way. No matter what though if any of you fall down, I'll come help pick you up. In the end that's all that matters.

Well it's late, I'm hungry so I'll end sharing my wish that 2010 brings you lots of joy, adventures, time with friends and family and many good memories.

Best Wishes!

Christmas prep

Well slowly piece by piece I'm bringing out my Christmas decorations and slowly before my eyes my house is transforming into a winter wonderland. Tonight's task though was the hardest, decorating the tree. A few tears were shed but the tree understood and didn't comment. I thought this would be harder than it was though.

I realized that my Christmas tree is full of memories of people and places long gone. There's the porcelain baby my Aunt Sue made me. The beautiful crochet and starched angels and snowflakes made by my Great Aunts whose fingers no longer produce these art pieces. Every year was marked with an ornament from my mom's parents Grandma and Grandpa Sattler until they were no longer with us. There's the little mice in a nut shell Grandpa Ginther made me before he passed away.

There's ornaments from every place I've visited in the last 9 years, the Millennium Falcon from Disney/MGM, an American flag star from Wisconsin beside the London phone booth ornament, a beautiful star from Versailles. The list goes on and on, looking at it I'm awed by the depth of memory and love a few ornaments can show so that now I'm sitting in the glow of the tree and feeling wrapped in love. While some ornaments were hard to hang, there isn't one I would have left off. Together they make a beautiful tapestry. Soon the sadness will fade from them and they'll bring back good memories and stories.

So if you have time this holiday season come over for hot chocolate and I can tell you some of the stories or we can just sit in the glow of the tree and visit creating new memories. I hope all of your Christmas prep is going well and that you are taking time to enjoy this beautiful season of waiting, memories, friends and family.

Butterfly

Okay to preface this post for those that know me well they know I hate all things that flutter and that includes butterflies....so why you may ask would I be writing a post titled butterfly? Well the metaphor worked so I'm going with it, but this doesn't mean I've revised my opinion of butterflies. I still think their just moths with better publicity and they creep me out in real life.

So it's been a month again since my last post :( and it's been a month of change. I'm officially unemployed and being a bum at home now. I've flip flopped on about 100 decisions an hour. I now know how a caterpillar feels before it cocoons and becomes a butterfly. My skin doesn't feel like it fits, I tried to pick up my life where it left off, I tried to work around the gap, I tried to go on. The problem is that that isn't my life anymore....it doesn't fit. Is this a bad thing?

Probably not just a difficult time to be my support group. I try to make decisions, but go back and forth trying to decide, and I try new things on for a while to see if they fit. Take for example the last few weeks, one minute I'm going to go to New York, the next it's Mexico and now I'm staying home....sorry for all the confusion. I've even found myself eyeing some different clothing options than I've ever looked at before. Why? I'm trying to figure out who I am on my own. I'm a caterpillar who knows I'm not a caterpillar really inside but what I'm going to be I'm not sure.

So for the next little while I'll be cocooning not the prettiest stage I'm sure....and there may be weird decisions or fashion choices or activities that I try. Please be patient it's tough growing wings, it's tough deciding what you're going to look like, what your life should look like for the next few years and it's tough saying goodbye to a life you liked. At some point it should settle down and then I'll begin testing those wings, taking flight slowly and exploring this new life I've found myself in.

See the metaphor really works well. So this next month is all about making plans for the next 6 ahead are trips, school, a move, a visit from K, and many adventures. I'm scared, and excited and sad all at the same time but I'm going forward and that's all I can ask of myself.

This is also my favorite time of year, the snow is falling, Christmas is ahead of us and now we get to wait, anticipating the arrival of a baby who will change the world. I love Christmas and all the activities that surround it and this year will be a tough one but I'm looking for the good in the season. So if you need someone to go to that craft fair, or go shopping with or to help you decorate or wrap presents or bake cookies....I'm your girl! Give me a call, we'll have fun and make a memory.

Seasons Blessings to all of you

Butterfly

Finalizing Plans

Well it's been awhile since I posted and I apologize. I hit a rough patch where I just didn't feel like communicating but I'm coming out of it and I've started taking some steps to finalize my plans for the next few months.

First off I quit my job, this has been in my mind for a while but I didn't want to say too much until it was official. December 1st will be my last day at the library, which is kind of sad but exciting at the same time. I quit for a number of reasons but mostly so I could pursue some dreams of mine. So I will be enjoying the Christmas season and a trip to New York for some holiday shopping and visiting with friends there.

Then K will be visiting from Halifax for New Years and some skiing in the mountains. My trip to Halifax was very nice, it's a gorgeous province and it reminded me how diverse this country is. K and I are just friends because it's just not possible to casually date when you live on opposite sides of the country and anything more than that I'm just not really ready for. So the best case scenario happened there I saw a beautiful place and made a new friend so be happy for me.

Then if my visas come through in time I'll leave mid January and go for a month to India with a tour group. I'm excited about this tour it has two nature safaris, a home stay component, and it tours northern and southern india. Then I'll be home for a few weeks and then I'm looking into a 2 week tour of Egypt that includes a stay in the dessert with some of the dessert tribes and sailing the Nile. That would bring us to April aka Birthday Month which I couldn't miss there's too many important people to celebrate that month. Then if my money holds out I'm aiming for a two week safari in Kenya/Tanzania.

After all that travel fun I'll be moving to Regina to begin a Bachelor of Education degree in Early Childhood Education. Why Regina? They do the program the way I want, my practicums would be in preschools not elementary schools and well why not Regina.

Wow a lot of changes are ahead for me and my faithful kitty companions but we're looking forward to it and will be sharing our fun with you along the way! Please continue to pray for my family, my sister is struggling and we're trying to support her and cheer her on as she's taking some very important steps towards better health. Also pray for me I'm really starting to feel the permanence of this loneliness and it weighs on me and also for safety as I travel and wisdom as I'm making decisions about my future. I sure appreciate the support I've received especially as my plans have been so fluid and ever changing. When all things seem possible it's hard to nail things down.

Love Hurts

It seems every time I get my feet back under me and start feeling like I have control, God needs to remind me that he's in control. Last night being a case in point. I was home proud of myself for getting stuff done enjoying an online chat and movie with K. Then the doorbell rings and it's my neighbor M looking at me with pain filled eyes. Are all your kitties home? she asks and then I knew...no not all the kitties were home Cordelia my lovely little Delia had slipped out earlier when I took the garbage out to enjoy the cool fall evening. Sadly for a reason I'll never understand she went near the busy the road and was struck by a car. M helped me put Delia in a box and today I'll take her to the SPCA for cremation. Today the house feels a little emptier, Tyb her brother is wandering around looking for her, today I'm reminded that it hurts to love. K called me after this happened and I remarked I was tempted to not love anymore because it hurts but he reminded me that not loving would hurt more. It is worth the risk because for the time you have the person, animal, thing you love your life is better, richer and fuller. Sadly because sin entered the world bad things happen people and animals die untimely deaths but that doesn't mean we stop caring or loving.

This was timely advice...since K is a new interest in my life and I've been getting a lot of warnings about how I could get hurt. People I've already been hurt but I'd rather get hurt knowing love than not love at all. Is it too soon to be thinking about a new relationship...I don't know....I didn't go looking for this it just happened but if anything I've learned that our time is short so we should seize the moment and explore the possiblities. K and I have been spending a lot of time chatting, web camera chatting, phone chatting...and I'm taking the leap I'm going to visit him in Nova Scotia. Is there a chance I'll get hurt...possibly....but I'm willing to try.

For my birthday my parents took me to the Mayfield dinner theater for their Nashville Hits show....a big sacrifice on my country music disliking parents part. I truly appreciate them sitting through a whole show of country music for me. The one actor sang the song "The Dance" and it's been sticking with me ever since...

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance