Sunday, January 24

A little rant

So for the most part I try to stay optimistic and upbeat because really no matter what despite everything I have a pretty good life. I also have a fantastic group of family and friends supporting me.

However, there are times when I feel frustrated with things. Tonight is one of them.

So I've been talking with K for months now, we met had a good time but decided that distance was a factor and that we'd just be friends. Things are good, we chat lots, share lots of interests and he's often mentioned moving west to find better work. Well everything kind of worked out and K's going to come here and cat/house sit for me while I'm travelling. This gives him a chance to check out the job situation here in Edmonton, look into a place to live and see if moving west is what he'd like. So all in all a win win situation. There's no guarantee to him or me that if he's here and we try dating that things will work out and this isn't a hey move in with me kind of deal. However, if he does like Edmonton and moves here I'm pretty sure we'll be giving dating a try. So? You're saying what's the problem?

The problem is I am feeling a lot of pressure from my friends and family to not date and this frustrates me. None of them are here each night when I'm sitting at home alone. Most of them have a significant other that they are with. I'm not cheating on Armin, I'm single, I'm not making any promises to K, I'm just going to give dating a try. What's wrong with that? So why can't they offer me a glimmer of support? All I get are blankness, or outright hostility.

I also feel that same resistance as I try to make changes to myself, or my life. I'm sorry if it hurts you to see me moving on. I'm sorry it hurts you to see me living my life with out Armin. This wasn't my first choice, this wasn't what I envisioned but I am going to make the best of this. I can't live like Armin is still here that isn't healthy. So I'm moving on...not quickly...not without hiccups but I am moving on.

This trip is a chance for me to get away from the pressure. To be free to discover me without the pressure and expectations that surround me here. Sometimes we have to go away to find ourselves. I'll miss everyone but this is something I really need. My frustration with things makes that apparent to me.


Pamela said...

I am glad to see that you are looking at doing what you see as best for you.

I believe that it is hard for people to see you trying to move on, mostly because people our age have never had to deal with a situation like yours. For most of us the loss of a spouse happens to people who are a lot older and who, perhaps, do not mind living the rest of their lives alone. But you still have your whole life ahead of you and I, personally, hope that you are able to find great joy and happiness again - in whatever form that might take.


Janet said...

Date! Enjoy your youth!
The people pressuring you not to date are just misplacing their own grief.

That is my two cents.