Friday, May 18

Don't Forget

I don't know why but this spring has been a hard one for me.  It hit me that it's been 3years since Armin died.  I think that it finally sunk in that this isn't a passing thing but a forever thing.  I've finally stopped looking for him to come through the door but the loss of that hope killed a part of me.  I'm also realizing that this means I'm really alone now and that doesn't show any signs of changing anytime soon.  When I think about living the rest of my life this way I just shut down.  I would give everything I have right now up in a second if it meant more time with him.  Yeah I'm doing much better and for the most part life is fine but there's an emptiness I can't quite fill.  I keep moving forward but I never quite leave the grief behind, there's a piece of me that is always missing.

I've also had a hard time lately watching so many of my friends starting their families.  I don't mean that I'm not happy for them because I am thrilled for them.  I just want that too, however it doesn't seem to be in the plans for me.  I adore my nephew and I love spending time with him but apart of me wishes he was mine.  I guess it's just biological clock ticking but it eats me up a little bit.  I'm trying to not dwell on it and try to focus on the good things but life just feels pretty empty.  I realized the other day that if something happened to me it would be days before anyone even noticed.  Not that I think something is going to happen but still it made me realize how empty my life is.

Does this mean I'm ready to date? I really don't know....the truth is it sure doesn't seem like the right time and there aren't any likely candidates around so that seems to say that it's not.  So what do I do to give my life some sort of meaning.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just filling time while I wait for something to happen to give me a purpose or reason.  Is a career enough? I don't know.  I think about the future and I see myself always alone at the fringes of things.  It just again feels empty.

Sorry tonight was a pity fest and I don't mean to worry anyone, just wanted to say what I've been feeling.


JulieG said...

I think pity fests are another part of your journey. I remember I spent sometime in this place a few times. I don't know if this is normal but it seems to happen. I wish I could help you through this but unsure how other than to tell you I am here supporting you...not much comfort I'm sure but it is honest.

Werner & Marianne said...

We try to hold on and move forward at the same time. It makes for a lot of mixed emotions. We cannot get over it, only through. God bless you on your journey, you are
not alone.