Christmas prep

Well slowly piece by piece I'm bringing out my Christmas decorations and slowly before my eyes my house is transforming into a winter wonderland. Tonight's task though was the hardest, decorating the tree. A few tears were shed but the tree understood and didn't comment. I thought this would be harder than it was though.

I realized that my Christmas tree is full of memories of people and places long gone. There's the porcelain baby my Aunt Sue made me. The beautiful crochet and starched angels and snowflakes made by my Great Aunts whose fingers no longer produce these art pieces. Every year was marked with an ornament from my mom's parents Grandma and Grandpa Sattler until they were no longer with us. There's the little mice in a nut shell Grandpa Ginther made me before he passed away.

There's ornaments from every place I've visited in the last 9 years, the Millennium Falcon from Disney/MGM, an American flag star from Wisconsin beside the London phone booth ornament, a beautiful star from Versailles. The list goes on and on, looking at it I'm awed by the depth of memory and love a few ornaments can show so that now I'm sitting in the glow of the tree and feeling wrapped in love. While some ornaments were hard to hang, there isn't one I would have left off. Together they make a beautiful tapestry. Soon the sadness will fade from them and they'll bring back good memories and stories.

So if you have time this holiday season come over for hot chocolate and I can tell you some of the stories or we can just sit in the glow of the tree and visit creating new memories. I hope all of your Christmas prep is going well and that you are taking time to enjoy this beautiful season of waiting, memories, friends and family.

Butterfly

Okay to preface this post for those that know me well they know I hate all things that flutter and that includes butterflies....so why you may ask would I be writing a post titled butterfly? Well the metaphor worked so I'm going with it, but this doesn't mean I've revised my opinion of butterflies. I still think their just moths with better publicity and they creep me out in real life.

So it's been a month again since my last post :( and it's been a month of change. I'm officially unemployed and being a bum at home now. I've flip flopped on about 100 decisions an hour. I now know how a caterpillar feels before it cocoons and becomes a butterfly. My skin doesn't feel like it fits, I tried to pick up my life where it left off, I tried to work around the gap, I tried to go on. The problem is that that isn't my life anymore....it doesn't fit. Is this a bad thing?

Probably not just a difficult time to be my support group. I try to make decisions, but go back and forth trying to decide, and I try new things on for a while to see if they fit. Take for example the last few weeks, one minute I'm going to go to New York, the next it's Mexico and now I'm staying home....sorry for all the confusion. I've even found myself eyeing some different clothing options than I've ever looked at before. Why? I'm trying to figure out who I am on my own. I'm a caterpillar who knows I'm not a caterpillar really inside but what I'm going to be I'm not sure.

So for the next little while I'll be cocooning not the prettiest stage I'm sure....and there may be weird decisions or fashion choices or activities that I try. Please be patient it's tough growing wings, it's tough deciding what you're going to look like, what your life should look like for the next few years and it's tough saying goodbye to a life you liked. At some point it should settle down and then I'll begin testing those wings, taking flight slowly and exploring this new life I've found myself in.

See the metaphor really works well. So this next month is all about making plans for the next 6 ahead are trips, school, a move, a visit from K, and many adventures. I'm scared, and excited and sad all at the same time but I'm going forward and that's all I can ask of myself.

This is also my favorite time of year, the snow is falling, Christmas is ahead of us and now we get to wait, anticipating the arrival of a baby who will change the world. I love Christmas and all the activities that surround it and this year will be a tough one but I'm looking for the good in the season. So if you need someone to go to that craft fair, or go shopping with or to help you decorate or wrap presents or bake cookies....I'm your girl! Give me a call, we'll have fun and make a memory.

Seasons Blessings to all of you

Butterfly

Finalizing Plans

Well it's been awhile since I posted and I apologize. I hit a rough patch where I just didn't feel like communicating but I'm coming out of it and I've started taking some steps to finalize my plans for the next few months.

First off I quit my job, this has been in my mind for a while but I didn't want to say too much until it was official. December 1st will be my last day at the library, which is kind of sad but exciting at the same time. I quit for a number of reasons but mostly so I could pursue some dreams of mine. So I will be enjoying the Christmas season and a trip to New York for some holiday shopping and visiting with friends there.

Then K will be visiting from Halifax for New Years and some skiing in the mountains. My trip to Halifax was very nice, it's a gorgeous province and it reminded me how diverse this country is. K and I are just friends because it's just not possible to casually date when you live on opposite sides of the country and anything more than that I'm just not really ready for. So the best case scenario happened there I saw a beautiful place and made a new friend so be happy for me.

Then if my visas come through in time I'll leave mid January and go for a month to India with a tour group. I'm excited about this tour it has two nature safaris, a home stay component, and it tours northern and southern india. Then I'll be home for a few weeks and then I'm looking into a 2 week tour of Egypt that includes a stay in the dessert with some of the dessert tribes and sailing the Nile. That would bring us to April aka Birthday Month which I couldn't miss there's too many important people to celebrate that month. Then if my money holds out I'm aiming for a two week safari in Kenya/Tanzania.

After all that travel fun I'll be moving to Regina to begin a Bachelor of Education degree in Early Childhood Education. Why Regina? They do the program the way I want, my practicums would be in preschools not elementary schools and well why not Regina.

Wow a lot of changes are ahead for me and my faithful kitty companions but we're looking forward to it and will be sharing our fun with you along the way! Please continue to pray for my family, my sister is struggling and we're trying to support her and cheer her on as she's taking some very important steps towards better health. Also pray for me I'm really starting to feel the permanence of this loneliness and it weighs on me and also for safety as I travel and wisdom as I'm making decisions about my future. I sure appreciate the support I've received especially as my plans have been so fluid and ever changing. When all things seem possible it's hard to nail things down.

Love Hurts

It seems every time I get my feet back under me and start feeling like I have control, God needs to remind me that he's in control. Last night being a case in point. I was home proud of myself for getting stuff done enjoying an online chat and movie with K. Then the doorbell rings and it's my neighbor M looking at me with pain filled eyes. Are all your kitties home? she asks and then I knew...no not all the kitties were home Cordelia my lovely little Delia had slipped out earlier when I took the garbage out to enjoy the cool fall evening. Sadly for a reason I'll never understand she went near the busy the road and was struck by a car. M helped me put Delia in a box and today I'll take her to the SPCA for cremation. Today the house feels a little emptier, Tyb her brother is wandering around looking for her, today I'm reminded that it hurts to love. K called me after this happened and I remarked I was tempted to not love anymore because it hurts but he reminded me that not loving would hurt more. It is worth the risk because for the time you have the person, animal, thing you love your life is better, richer and fuller. Sadly because sin entered the world bad things happen people and animals die untimely deaths but that doesn't mean we stop caring or loving.

This was timely advice...since K is a new interest in my life and I've been getting a lot of warnings about how I could get hurt. People I've already been hurt but I'd rather get hurt knowing love than not love at all. Is it too soon to be thinking about a new relationship...I don't know....I didn't go looking for this it just happened but if anything I've learned that our time is short so we should seize the moment and explore the possiblities. K and I have been spending a lot of time chatting, web camera chatting, phone chatting...and I'm taking the leap I'm going to visit him in Nova Scotia. Is there a chance I'll get hurt...possibly....but I'm willing to try.

For my birthday my parents took me to the Mayfield dinner theater for their Nashville Hits show....a big sacrifice on my country music disliking parents part. I truly appreciate them sitting through a whole show of country music for me. The one actor sang the song "The Dance" and it's been sticking with me ever since...

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

Happy Birthday

Well it's official I'm now 30. Somehow I thought I'd feel different about this, but I just feel blah today. I didn't plan anything so it's going to be very low key just some cake and ice cream tonight with my family. I kind of wish I had planned something but doing so just seemed to make the fact Armin isn't here more real. I had a nice weekend scrapbooking with a very nice group of people. We were at a beautiful b&b in Evansburg with excellent food and all we did from 8 in the morning until 2 at night was work on our projects. I got a lot done and really enjoyed myself. Actually everything's been a lot blah lately and I've reallly noticed the emptiness around me. I know I haven't been reaching out enough but days go by without seeing anyone but the cats so it was nice to be around people all weekend. I've been spending way too much time online just surfing idly so I'm going to have to get a move on getting involved in something that gets me out of the house or people into the house. Right now the move is at a complete stop. With the decision to head to Regina for school still floating around and looking like a very good option and taking some time off before to travel. It seems dumb to move twice in less than a year and before paying for schooling it seems dumb to move into a place where I'd need a mortgage when I can live here for free. It's also central so I can sucker people easier into stopping by to feed cats while I'm away for longer times. So the repairs will happen next week but after that I'm going to hold steady for a bit and wait until I know what I want in the next few weeks/months before moving.

Well happy birthday to me! 30 isn't as scary as it seems!

Holding Steady

Well still can't seem to get the Ottawa photos up...technical difficulties but I'm still trying. Glad to report that life is pretty normal so there's just not much to talk about. Cleaned the house yesterday, it was long overdue and now I'm enjoying the benefits of having a nice clean place. I don't know why I put it off so long, since really once you get going it's not that bad.

I'm beginning to look into some travel opportunities and looking for some travel companions, although if none materialize I'll just go it alone or join a tour group. I think I'd like to go after Christmas and the list of places I'm interested in are, Egypt, Africa, India and I'd like to spend more time in Europe. The travel is just phase one of my new plan and will eat up the months until phase 2...

I've also decided to go back to school. This is a two step plan: step one instead of just a general year of upgrading I'm going to go back and get my B.Ed. in Early Childhood Education then I'm going to get my Master of Library Science. Only problem is the B.Ed. program I'm interested in is in Regina. Now I'm debating the merits of moving from the house into something else in Edmonton when I'm just going to move again to Regina in the summer. It's nice to feel like I have a plan though, although the idea of moving someplace where I don't know anyone is a little overwhelming but I figure it's just for a few years at the most and I'll immerse myself in school, hopefully meet some people in class and then come home to Edmonton for the MLIS program at the UofA.

Well I guess there's more going on that I thought but at least I don't feel stressed or upset, just normal which is really quite nice.

A Clear Head - My trip to Ottawa

Well okay despite promises, this post is a little late getting put up. Hopefully the video of my pictures displays for you all. I spent a little time in our nation's capital city and it was a great break for me and gave me a chance to clear my head. A big thank you to Greg, Ranee and the girls for letting me stay at their place and for all the wonderful hospitality they showed me.

I'll admit that I didn't do a ton of sightseeing, opting instead for some retail therapy :-D, sleeping in and watching some Star Trek movies. I did get to the Parliment building twice. We went and saw the Light and Sound show the one evening where they project a film and lights onto the buildings. It was very cool and despite being a little east coast biased made me feel glad to be a Canadian. Then the next day we went back and did the tour of the building, visited the War Memorial Chapel and went to the top of the Peace Tower. It was a great day to visit since Parliment isn't in session, the Senate wasn't meeting and the Library was open so we got to see everything. Of course being a bit of a nerd the library was my favorite part as you'll see from all the photos.

The best part of the trip for me was just getting away from everything for a few days which allowed me some space to really think about things and put stuff in perspective. I think I'm getting close to a plan for the next little bit but since it's not finalized I won't be making it public here. If you're really interested email me and I'll fill you in. Mainly I'm asking for your prayers that if this is the way I'm supposed to go God will give me peace about my decisions and let things move forward.

Getting home was nice until I saw the mess the cats made for me. Silly me I left a roll of paper towels out...man do they like paper towels :D they shredded the whole roll and left paper towel fluff pretty much everywhere. They were glad to see me and we spent the whole day on Wednesday together watching Dr. Who season 1. Can't believe I missed seeing this when it was first on but I'm rapidly catching up on my Dr. Who and greatly enjoying it. I also watched the first season of Coupling while I was away and it was light and funny with that awesome dry British sense of humour I sure do enjoy.

It was great to be back at work and I've started back into the programming swing of things by kicking off my Time for Two's program today. Wow put 12 two year olds in a room and just watch the excitement happen. Actually it was a really good start, the kids are so sweet we sang a bunch of songs, did a bunch of rhymes and even read a couple of books. I'm looking forward to the next 6 weeks with this group. I'm really enjoying the chance to build a 6 week program where each week builds on what we did last week, and the chance to have continuity with the group. In the past I've been doing more one off programs so it's been fun developing this series of programs and getting the chance to try some of my ideas out on a larger scale. I think this might be one of my favorite ages, they are really able to participate, they're learning so much and absorb everything like a sponge.

Well I work early tomorrow so I should wrap up for tonight.

Sand in my shoes

Well my shoes are full of sand, I have dirt under my fingernails and my soul is refreshed. Amazing what a visit to the playground can do for one's soul. There's something about watching kids play and playing along that just feeds your spirit and helps you remember that there is a time when the world is uncomplicated and joy is unfettered. Kids are fearless, they don't stop to think about whether they can or can't do something they just go because they haven't learned about consequences, they haven't learned that things aren't always going to be alright, that sometimes parents aren't fast enough to catch you and that isn't a bad thing. Maybe as a grownup I need to live that way a little more, stop worrying about the consequences, do what I want to do, make the leap and trust that if I fall someone will catch me. Yes I know that sometimes people fall but I've also seen them get back up. So I'm going to keep a little sand in my shoes and playground in my heart. Thanks for the visit Alice I enjoyed digging in the sand with you and remembering that life doesn't have to be so heavy!

Weakness

I thought things were getting easier but then grief hits me again and it seems harder than ever. I'm flashing back to the day he died, the images I've fought to forget from that day won't leave me alone. I cried so hard last night I made myself sick so I phoned in sick from work, I'm beginning to feel like the worst employee in the world. I used to be reliable, focused and positive but now I barely make it through a shift. I feel horrible about it.

I'm also being hit pretty hard with how much I've lost. I just want my life back the way it was. How can you move forward when all you want to do is run back to what you had. How do you teach your heart to stop feeling hope that this is all a bad dream. I love him so much, he was my world, my best friend, my better half and I want him back. I knew how lucky I was to have him I didn't need to lose him to learn that. I miss all the little things we shared, hearing I love you in German, the song "you are my sunshine", his hugs, nothing anymore smells like him, I miss the little emails we'd share, I miss laughing with him, I still talk to him when I'm alone but I miss the answers.

Why did he have to go? Why didn't we get our happily ever after? I've said this all before, I've asked all these questions before but I still have no answers.

Practicing Patience

Okay, I'm officially fed up with this whole "moving" process mainly because it's not moving. I've decided though that this is God trying to teach me patience. Too bad I'm so bad at it. My tendency is to think a lot about a decision, but once I make it I just want it done. Not so this time, it's no one's fault or anything. It's just every step of this prepping the house to sell takes 10 times as long as I thought and involves 10 times the problems I thought. So I'm looking around for bible verses on patience because this is obviously not one of the fruits of the spirit I posses in abundance. Any suggestions?

I now have an awesome handyman "my uncle Gene" who's going to get everything done but he can't come until the end of September. If anyone in the Edmonton area needs a handyman ask me for his contact information...he's awesome and thorough. I know when he's done the house will easily make back what I'm spending to fix it up.

I also had a lot of great help at my fix up party yesterday. Even with the very hot weather we got a lot done and items packed. I'm still exhausted today from it and humbled by the awesome help I got at a point where I really needed it. It helped me feel better about my support network and restored my faith in my friends and family...which never should have wavered.

It's really humbling to realize how much support I have to draw on and how much I forget that sometimes while I'm trying to steamroll ahead. Sometimes slowing down and practicing patience reveals the holy in the little things. I've been so busy stressing myself and my family and friends out by trying to rush through these pre-moving steps that I've been missing the chances to just visit and be supported by the people who care about me the most. So here's the invite come for a cup of tea, let's go for supper, do you need some help, give me a call.

I'm going to enjoy the next month and not fret about the house or the time it's taking because all these road blocks obviously are a sign that it's not time yet...see God can hit us over the head if we don't listen...and I'm going to trust that when it's time, I'll get a buyer, I'll find an awesome place and it'll all be the right thing. Remember God says, "All things work for good"

Thanks for you patience with me and I'm going to go keep practicing.

Two in one night!!

Separate from my little rant I wanted to share some songs that have been giving me hope, helping express my feelings and just plain saying what I'm thinking.  

Duffy

This artist rocks she's got these amazing lyrics, a smokey bluesy voice and she has two songs whose lyrics speak to me. 

I'm Scared 

The blank pages of my diary,
That I haven't touched since you left me,
The closed blinds in my home
See no light of day.
Dust gathers on my stereo
Cos I can't bare to hear the radio
The piano sits in a shaded space
With a picture of your face.

I'm scared to face another day
Cos the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone and I'm scared.

Coffee stains on your favorite book
Remind me of you so I can't take a look.
The magazines you left on the floor,
You won't need them anymore.

A towel left hangin on the wall,
No sign of wet foosteps in the hall
There's no smell of your sweet cologne.
I'm lying here alone.

I'm scared to face another day
Cos the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone and now I'm scared.

Distant Dreamer

Although you think I cope
My head is filled with hope of some place other than here
Although you think I smile
Inside and all the while I'm wondering about my destiny

I'm thinking about all the things
I'd like to do in my life
I'm a dreamer, a distant dreamer
Dreaming far away from today

Even when you see me frown my heart won't let me down
Because I know there's better things to come, woah yeah
And when life gets tough and I feel I've had enough
I hold on to a distant star

Miley Cyrus

Okay I know I'm a little old, but hey she does have a good voice and some of her stuff isn't too bad.  A guilty pleasure is her new song Party in the USA not deep but fun.  However it's the song The Climb that is really uplifting to me and helps me feel better. 

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

Billie Holliday

She's long been a favorite of mine, in fact she's who I'd listen to when Armin and I were first dating.  She can sing a love song but it's her blues I'm listening to now.  If you've never listened to her then listen up this woman is one of the best.  The song I'm loving the most is I'll be seeing you, there are other versions of this song out there but she does it best and brings out the depth that you miss with other artists. 

l'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.

In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children's carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin' well.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

There's always a lot more but these are the ones playing right now for me.  Maybe if ya'll like these I'll post some more recommendations for you.  I'll try to figure out a way to get these to play on my page for you...hmmm a challenge.  If not check them out they are worth it I promise. 

Why I'll always need my parents

Okay with a potential buyer on the hook and going to look at places I began to stress.  I can't seem to get the help I need to get the few fix up jobs around here done.  I also began to put a time stress on myself that wasn't really realistic and wasn't helpful.  So I began to freak out, I cried at Kathryn my loyal and very helpful companion.  However, I knew where I needed to go.  I vented to myself on the way out to my parents.  Then I spilled all my worry and frustration out to them, they listen really well :D  Then they helped me see the solutions I already had, helped me find a few I didn't know about and helped me see some of the unrealistic expectations I was putting on myself.  Man it's great to have people that know you and understand you and love you even when you've worked yourself into a real state.  I still want to get things done but Kathryn and I came up with an action plan to get some stuff done and my parents helped me find some ideas for what to do after that.  They also helped me see that it doesn't all have to be done yesterday and that while it's okay to feel frustrated that nothing's getting done and that I'm hurt that I can't get the support and help I need sometimes that I can get through this and don't need to let it take over everything.  In other words I was making a hill into a mountain (it's bigger than a molehill) and that I'm still a little fragile right now so it doesn't take much to send me over the edge and into full blown shut down panic mode.  

It's been tough how isolated I'm feeling, I know it's not intentional but it does seem that everyone is busily moving on and forgotten that I'm still fragile underneath the surface and that I'm still struggling to put my life together.  The biggest hurt is when people say they can't be here at the house it's just too hard for them and I want to scream but I have to live here and you don't think it's hard.  That's why I'm wanting to move, I need to get out of this house.  No matter how much I move furniture or rearrange pictures there's still this feeling that he could walk in any moment, I still listen for him to come home, I still see him everywhere.  I can take his clothes out of the closet but it's still our closet not mine.  Everywhere I turn our past together in this house haunts me and our dreams for the future taunt me.  I feel trapped and I want out not that I want to forget him but in order to move on I need a fresh start.  

I'm so thankful for the support I have been given and I don't mean to make people feel bad and I don't want pity.  I just need to be honest about the isolation and hurt I've been feeling.  There is disappointment but there are also steady rocks in my life.  I guess this is one of those moments where you find out where you really stand and who your support network is.  

Finance 101

Today I learned the value of a financial planner.  For five months I've been fighting over things with the bank, with the whole thing getting more and more messed up.  While the bank has made mistakes I'll agree that I've also not been the most on top of things.  Armin was our finance guy which means I agreed to take the backseat...DUMB...so now I'm just not as on top of things as I should be.  Not that I didn't know what was going on with our finances I just didn't do the little details.  Well now I'm in charge and things were going downhill, my frustration level was rising and I was beginning to think I was financially retarded.  

NOT TRUE says the financial planner.  In a one hour session he got everything figured out, told me what to write to the bank to get it figured out, what questions I need to ask my house/car insurance company, helped me figure out an investment plan which means I could retire comfortably at 55 (Yup 55) and pays me money each month, took care of transfering Armin's pension money into a pension for me as well next session we'll go over my mortgage needs and my future insurance needs.  I think I'm in love....well okay he's my dad's age and not my type but you know what I mean.  I now have a binder with everything organized instead of a pile of paper.  I'll be getting monthly investment statements with the option to go online everyday and watch my investments.  

I'm finding myself wondering why more people don't know about this fabulous service, the first appointment was free and then based on what services you want you have fixed costs for some of them or some of them work like your bank costs.  So the second big thing I've learned is a financial planner is totally worth it they can help with finance, insurance, future planning now all I have to worry about is what to spend it on....that's the part I'm good at.  So what are you waiting for....

Power of positivity

I woke up this  morning and decided I wouldn't let things get me down but that I'd be positive.  Today marks a happy day and just like with all the other holidays and birthdays I've faced I decided to look for the good.  So just an update to say it's been a good day, K and I packed boxes of books we're about half done.  I filled 2 bags and a bin with goodwill items (all mine) and for a special treat for me....brownies fresh baked and ready soon to be served with vanilla bean ice cream....mmmmm.... 

On prayer news please pray for my Grandma, her finger thing is getting weirder so they are going to take it off (the finger I mean).  This third surgery is set for September 4th and should hopefully be the last in this finger bone cancer saga.  Grandma's a little anxious and frustrated with the process so just pray for peace for her and steady hands for the surgery team. 

On Tuesday I'll be going to look at a variety of places trying to decide what I want to move to.  This should be exciting and fun, my realtor keeps telling me not to fall in love but there is this one listing...but really I need to see some places before I make any decisions.  I'll keep you all posted on my shopping day!

Well the brownies and my new magazines call, if you're ever bored and need something to do give me a call...I have quite a few projects needing doing or avoiding depending on your mood.

Un-Happy Anniversary

Today (while okay in 2 hours) it's the 19th of August.  9 years ago was my wedding day, now I'm celebrating the fact I'm not crying (yet at least) as I miss the man I thought I would be growing old with.  9 years ago was one of my happiest days, 5 months ago was one of the saddest.  Inside I'm screaming like a 2 year old NOT FAIR but outside I seem to have it together. 

The hardest things for me right now is saying goodbye to the dreams we had together.  Deciding to sell the house meant an acceptance that those dreams we had for this place and our life here were not going to happen.  There won't be any little feet (except cat paws), there won't be a need to build an addition or build our own place out by my parents.  We won't get to go to vegas next year for our 10th anniversary.  The trips we had planned won't happen.  That's a tough pill to swallow.

So now what new dreams do I want to dream...do I throw myself into work, go back to school, travel, persue my art?  Where do I want to live, a townhouse in the suburbs, an apartment condo overlooking the river valley, a funky loft in the downtown core, someplace by Whyte? What will I take with me?  What should I get rid of?  and what the heck do you do with a 9year old wedding dress when the marriage is over and there's no one to inherit it (like they would have wanted it anyways)?  

I've been blessed with a lot of great help so the garage is all cleaned out, it only took 3 trips to the eco centre, 3 truck loads went to the farm and 1 to goodwill, a dozen garbage and recycling bags and a few items left for me to deliver to friends, or a pawnshop. I only cried once when I found that he'd kept a valentine I'd sent him in his toolbox, that hurt to know he kept it in one of his favorite places, just like seeing all the things I'd given him in the boxes from his office. 

Next up is boxing up my books so I can lay carpet in the study this should only take a few days despite rumors to the contrary.  Left to do is some painting, trim work, ceiling tiles in the basement and a deep cleaning.  I think I may actually be able to get this done before September so my plans to list will go forward.  If you're able to help with some of the finishing work I'd sure appreciate it, construction isn't my strong suit :-D 

When I focus on the details of my to do list I can ignore the pain behind the decisions but the pain will catch up with me usually at night when I let myself just breathe.  

As a side note I'm really wanting to go out dancing...all night like we used to.  I know you're all feeling old but I say bull...you're only as old as you feel so give yourself permission to have some fun and join me for an evening.  I just need to blow off some steam and dancing's the easiest way to do that.  Email me if you're interested.  

Well here's wishing you a happy anniversary sweetheart, wish you were here...missing you lots.

XOXO

A Good Day

Well it had to happen, today was a good day.  I slept in, had lots of time to get ready for work since I worked the late shift.  Had a productive and enjoyable day at work, went grocery shopping on my lunch hour and then went to a movie after work because well why not.  Then I drove home late but content knowing the cats would want their supper but other than that all is good.  That's when it hit me, today felt normal,  no phantom ache, no feeling of something missing and then I crashed a little.  If I hadn't driven up to the garage of this house would i have even noticed or thought about Armin once?  Is that okay?  Am I ready for acceptance?  

I don't know,

I just know that slowly time is healing my wounds.  I know that their are now people in my life who don't know Armin and wouldn't know I was once married if I don't tell them.  I know that I listened as friends discussed dating and actually think hmmm maybe I should get some tips.  I know that I'm not ready to move on completely because it hurts when I realize I am moving on.  I know I irrationally think he'd be hurt that for one day I didn't think about him.  However, I will move on, there will be days when I don't think about him, slowly he will fade into a memory, I will date someday, I won't drive into this garage and that's okay he understands and it's what I have to do.  But not yet for now I'll cry a little and feel a little sad that I am moving on but it was a good day.  

Overwhelmed

Why does life have to move so fast?  August is zooming by and I've decided to put my place up for sale in September, some time in between I need to clean out the garage, finish the basement, recarpet the study (after removing everything from there) steam clean a sofa, declutter and pack away stuff, get in cleaners to do a deep clean of everything, and get my messed up finance stuff figured out.  Sometime in there I work weekends, take a trip to Ottawa, Fringe festival happens, and I have to cope with facing our anniversary. Yup piece of cake...NOT  oh yeah as well the lawn still needs mowing and I haven't done dishes in a while so they should probably get done.  

So what did I do for two days...feel so overwhelmed I went into a funk, had horrible heartburn and stay in bed without showering.  I get so mad at myself I have all this stuff to do but I can't get motivated to do it.  Part of me just wants it to go away but that won't happen anytime soon.  I feel so swamped I just want to cry and now I'm double book for garage cleaning day and have to work something out for that.  I just don't know how I'm going to get this all done and I don't even know how to drywall so I have to find some help but don't even know where to begin. 

Okay that's my pity party for today.  On the positive side I had a great time visiting with Greg, Ranee and the girls and I'm looking forward to my trip to see them in Ottawa and have more time visiting with them the September long weekend.  I also had a great time with my family as we celebrated my mom's birthday.  I also got my sister's long overdue birthday presents completed. The meeting with realtor went really well and he gave me solid things I need to get done to show the place, he also assured me he can help me find something perfect for me in my price range :-)  and as a bonus he gave me the name of someone who can help me straighten up the mess the bank has made of my financial life.  

So mainly I'm saying the rollercoaster continues I go up, I go down.  Right now is the spinny part where I feel disorientated and a little lost but I think we all have days like that.  

Megan

Faithfullness

Okay my last post was a lot negative, sorry but I'm trying not to pull any punches and let you see all the sides of my grief process.  Today is a better day and I wanted to share some thoughts on my growth through this.  

Like most people when I was confirmed I was given a bible verse; mine was from Revelations  "Be faithful even unto the point of death and I will give you the crown of life". When it was given to me I had just lost both my grandfathers and my family was putting things back together after my Dad's accident and this verse helped me through that time.   It's been ringing in my ears a lot lately urging me not to turn my back on the faith that gives me strength.  This verse has often helped me but now it seems I'm staring death right in the eyes and I'm choosing faithfulness.  My reward will be long in coming but it's worth it.  

 Also,  I share my bad moments so that you can see how great the work God is doing in my life.  Paul writes, "His strength is made perfect in my weakness" and that is true in my own life.  Without the strength of my faith I would surrender and give in to my pain but instead I am able to get up and praise for the life I had and still have.  I can smile, laugh most days but it's true there are bad moments.  

I also owe a lot of thanks to so many people, who offer me their support be in phone calls, emails, help around the house, a distraction when I need it and so much more.  I will never be able to repay all the help I've received.  I'm blessed to have such an amazing community surrounding me at this time, thank you for your patience with me as I'm still slow to return calls, still taking more than I'm giving and still needing support.  

Thank You!

Meg

Screaming in the dark

Today is one of those days where it all comes back and hits me wham.  Probably because I realized it's 4 months today, although it feels like 4 years. At this point I've stopped waiting for him to come home, the reality is settling in but so is the loneliness. It seems like everyone I know is pregnant, engaged or just married.  All these happy states are great but they tend to keep people home with their family and I see everyone around me settling into their little family units just while I lost mine.  At four months they've moved on and I'm supposedly not as fragile but this gives me a scary glimpse at the future.  Right now what I see is everyone around me having their families, while I'm alone invited to join them to bask in their happy glow and that rings hollow.  I want my happily ever after back.  I don't want to be alone.  It's hard for me to reach out and what I miss the most I can't get anywhere else, that routine day to day chitchat, that just knowing that someone is at the other part of the house to talk to.  I miss the dumb say nothing emails we used to send when bored. The what for dinner phone calls, the discussion of who was going to take care of what.  I even miss the arguements over whose junk was taking up more space.  No one can fill that void.  Today I'm angry that he broke his promise to be here for me forever, even though it's not a promise he could keep, but I'm hurt he's gone and that I have to go through this without his strength beside me  I can't be positive today and I know everyone will say that their there for me whatever need, or that God is there so I'm not really alone.  That's true I can't deny that but God doesn't hold me when I cry, he doesn't laugh at my silly thoughts, and all of you can't be here 24/7.  I'm trying to be strong, to adapt, to move on but what I'm mourning is our life together, the dreams we shared and that was a big part of who I am.  

Today was made worse by the news by Grandma's operation wasn't the end of her cancer battle, they've now decided that they have to take the whole finger not just the bone shard they removed.  I'm scared to lose her and I hurt for her.  

I also surrendered Sabrina to the SPCA, she was adopted almost 24 hours later so while I'm glad she's onto a hopefully better home than I could provide and I'm glad to say the cats are happier and my home cleaner, I am sad to say goodbye to such a sweet dog.  

I'm also pondering a big decision, now the mortgage is settled and the reality is that the yardwork is more than I want to do, I'm pretty sure I'm going to move but I have two options.  

       1. Rent this place out and use the insurance money as a down payment on a small 

           apartment condo.

      2. Sell this place and use that money to buy a bigger apartment condo or a townhouse and 

           invest the insurance money.  

Both are good options, both could be right I hate things that don't have a clear right or wrong.  I'm going to talk with a realtor and a banker, but this limbo is hard.  I just know that the time is almost right for me to move away from this place and into something more manageable.  On that note anyone want to mow my lawn?  I'm trying hard not to worry and to keep my mind on positive things but part of this blog is a place for me to vent all my feelings and let you see the true thoughts I have not blow sunshine and rainbows at you.  

I'm going to go for a walk to get milk, maybe reward myself with a book from the used bookstore and then come home and hug a cat or two or three. 

Meg

Grown Up?

Yesterday I realized it's exactly 3 months to my birthday, my 30th birthday to be exact.  Before this spring that was something to cause mild anxiety for me because I had not achieved all the items on my to do before 30 list.  I know stupid right but I'm pretty sure everyone has a list like this and for some reason 30 is the magic number where you're supposed to be grown up and have it all together or at least fake it really well. Certain birthdays bring with them certain meanings, sweet 16, 18 when you can finally be legal, 21 where you're legal everywhere, over the hill at ??....the list goes on but for me the age was 30 and it was freaking me out.  

After loosing Armin this spring I realized I'm more grown up than I think I am and that 30 is just a number.  Without Armin I probably won't achieve the have a kid before 30 goal, but I may get to fit in some of the world travel that was also on the list. I also realized that it's just an arbitrary list...I'm not in control, God is.  He also has a list of things for me to do and maybe I should be paying more attention to his list than mine.  So now I'm facing only 3 months left of my 20s but the anxiety is gone, I'm spending this time gathering my thoughts making some decisions about my future but mostly listening to God and trying to discern what he wants me to do.  I figure his plan has to be better than mine.  

It's scary being single but for the first time I'm standing on my feet and moving forward making my own decisions but I want them to be good decisions.  Part of me wants to jump right into dating because I don't really like being alone but I realize this is just me wanting to fill the void left where Armin was in my life but it isn't fair to ask someone to just be a "replacement".  I think this is a time for me to embrace being single to not jump back into familiar waters but to move forward (a little cautiously) but forward and explore these new opportunities.  But I do have to say that it really sucks that my biological clock just starting ticking now....stupid broken clock...oh well those of you with kids now know who to call when you want a babysitter :D 

Family Fun

Well I'm back from a fab visit to Racine Wi where we had our first Sattler family reunion in 28 years.  It was so cool to be with the cousins and I had some great visits and enjoyed watching the kids play.  We got to tour the SC Johnson admin building which was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright,  wow I love his stuff.  I ate my fill of Kringle, an amazing Danish pastry.  I shopped a little, got sunburned and came home exhausted.  It was nice to get out of town and away from my routines. Now it's back to home and getting it cleaned up, finishing some of those errands that I've been neglecting and dealing with the dog situation.  

Sadly I think Sabrina and I will have to part ways so I'll be surrendering her back to the SPCA this weekend if I'm strong enough to follow through with it.  I feel horrible, guilty and sad about this decision but I can't give her what she needs and I can't keep loosing furniture to her destructive tendancies.  I just hope she can find a home with people who can love her and be with her all the time.  This is really stressing me out but I don't have any other options.  

On another note I'm beginning to think about moving so I've been browsing on MLS.ca and it looks like this would be a good time to buy/sell for me.  I'm torn between a townhouse or an apartment condo and I'm not sure which I would prefer.  I guess I'll need to sit down and figure out exactly what I want/need in a place but so far I'm just in the fun window shopping phase.  I can't do anything till the bank settles the mortage with me and I'm still waiting for them to get their act together so I probably still have a bit of time to wait before I can even make any decisions.  In the meantime I'll continue to look and think about my options.  

I know I promised pictures but they'll have to wait for a bit, I have a bunch of housecleaning to do so all fun activities are suspended until that's done...I have to be tough on myself or nothing will get done. 

What I'm reading/listening to

So I've not been reading too much lately besides lots of magazines but if you're into art, scrapbooking, quilting or just puttering around check out the magazine Cloth, Paper, Scissors  it's amazing I've now subscribed to it.  Another great magazine I've just discovered is Somerset Studio the art of paper and mixed media.  Both of these have wonderful inspirational projects, good how to instructions and are just packed with great ideas.  I've also been rereading the Robin Owens Summoning series but they are just fluffy fantasy nothing that special or great but just really light reading.  

I've found a new artist I really like for music, Emilie Autumn.  Her stuff is an interesting blend of classical and punk.  Her lyrics are amazing she refrences a lot of classic literary heroines even as she's dealing with  modern problems.  Check her out she's well worth it.

Well enough procrastinating off to clean house, and get groceries.  

Megan

Glimpses of the Past

Mom wants her house back and since all of us are officially moved out, never to return she's asking us to get rid of our junk.  So I hauled home the last few boxes of childhood junk, toys and memorabilia from the closets of their home.  I spent several hours digging through these treasure troves of my past remembering the girl I was at a point where I'm trying to figure out the woman I'm going to be.  This year I turn 30 a major turning point made even more significant by the recent loss of Armin.  So I thought as my first post in quite a while to share these items of significance with you and the memories I found stashed away by a younger me, saved for a future me to reminisce over.  Quite a lot of this is going to goodwill for some other youngster to collect and treasure until their older self realizes their non-worth but some of it will always be part of my life and will now move into my home as valued objects lost for awhile but now reclaimed. 

My hat collection...none of which were good choices and most do not fit anymore (can you head grow?)  
Favorite Sidney Sheldon book, mostly due to one character being named Megan.  It was read to death, stained by koolaid powder and now gross very gross, good thing I have another copy :D
One of 3 boxes of books which as I dug through was like meeting old friends you'd forgotten about but they are so familiar that you can pick them up and remember every detail of them and the times you spent together. 

My grad photos, certificates of achievement, awards I'd won, and artwork I did dating back to elementary and all the cards from my 18th birthday were in this box.  

 

This spoon stolen at Christmas 1997 by me from BPs while visiting with the girls from High School while home for University.  The only thing I've ever taken and boy did I feel like a bad a** but reality is boy what a dork.  

This little memory cabinet was built by my Grandpa to house the many little trinkets a child accumulates and wants to save, while keeping her mother happy that they are not cluttering up the house they are on display.  You'll see a fake fossil made at the dinosaur exhibit, a california grape, several cow erasers and my name badge from when my family was awarded Farm Family at Klondike Days.  

Why was this McDonald's toy important to young me?  I have no clue, the mouse made out of a walnut was made by my other Grandpa and I collected animal figurines but why a space ship out of plastic. 

This book contains diary entries so embaressing and revealing I will shortly be burning it, man the pain of being 18.  

Look an original troll....you know it's original by the walkman and the snazzy outfit from a time of fashion best left forgotten. 

Angela, my cabbage patch doll...but wait you say she isn't a cabbage patch doll.  Okay so she isn't officially a CPD but she was made with love by my mom at the peak of CPD mania when you couldn't find them except for more than my parents could afford and now my CPD is worth more than any collectors CPD because she's priceless, one of a kind and carries more love in her than any mass produced doll could ever have.  The funky hair cut happened when my sister decided to practice her cutting skills...grrrr. Her original outfit was no where to be found, it was a nightgown made to match the nightgown I got that Christmas so we could match.  

There were many other toys, books and scraps of paper...but wait for it next time I will share never before seen pictures taken by young me....watch for it.....I promise not to caption with names to protect the not so innocent :D