Saturday, January 29
Sometimes it feels like I dreamt my life with Armin, somedays it feels like it almost never happened and then there are days like today when my soul aches missing it's other half. I got amazing news over christmas, I'm going to be an aunt for the first time. Last night I got my first picture of my future niece or nephew hereafter named peanut. It was love at first blurry weird ultrasound picture. I'm so happy for my sister and her husband they are going to be amazing parents to peanut. It just reminded me of what I lost, the path not taken. I'm tired of empty arms, quiet nights and cold regrets. A lot of the time it doesn't hurt like it does today. I don't want people to pity me or think I hate my life. I don't. I genuinely excited to be an aunt. I just miss having someone to share these moments with. I miss having someone that just knows you and is there. I miss curling up on the couch to watch a movie with someone. Crawling into bed after a long day just knowing someone is there. The bed still feels empty, I'm sleeping much better...I guess because empty has become normal but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
Thursday, January 27
This was for one of my classes but what she says is one of the most insightful and important things I've heard in a long time. Check it out, it is worth your time.
Saturday, January 15
I'm well into January and working on my resolutions. I've been doing really well at the eating healthy, exercise and lose weight part. As of today I'm down 6lbs and I've made it to the gym 3 out of the 4 days I'd planned to go and the 4th day was missed so I could work with my group on a group project. I've also found that talking about it means I've found people to go to the gym with, support in making good food choices and just generally that a lot of people are trying to do the same thing.
However, I suck at the don't spend money. I didn't realize how much of shopaholic I've become. It hasn't been a total disaster I've just not been as good as I'd hoped I would be. I just really need to stay out of stores and focus on what's important. What I bought isn't too bad since I mostly used my christmas money but I didn't need what I got and I did go over. I also bought some items to fix some problems around the apartment what it wasn't necessary and I could have lived without it.
On this note I'm really struggling because my family is going on a cruise and there are 2 formal nights when we'll be dressing up...I so want to purchase a new dress for these nights and I've even found one I love but I know that I don't need a new dress I have many in my closet that don't get enough wear. I also know that clothing and shoes are particular weaknesses of mine that I was very firm about not induldging this year. I already broke this rule because in order to go to the gym I needed some gym appropriate pants...I went through my whole wardrobe and only had jeans, dress pants and skirts. However because I really didn't have anything I allowed an exception...but it was a carefully considered exception. The problem is that now I feel like the door has been opened to buy clothes...it's tough to close that door...
My motto is that today is always a fresh day so I'm forgiving myself for the mistakes I've made and realizing this is a journey and sometimes learning as you go is more important than perfection. So when I have a bad day and something doesn't work, I eat the junk food or I spend when I shouldn't I just reflect on what happened and start the next day with that knowledge and a plan to avoid that mistake.
Wednesday, January 5
Tis the season of resolutions and new beginnings so I'm working on mine. I'm in the process of overhauling my lifestyle this year. I'm working on my shopping issues and trying to eliminate non-essential spending. This has been a rocky start and I've had a few slip ups but I'm working on it. I'm also going to be walking with a friend for an hour a day in between our classes which is a great fitness goal for me. I've also decided to go back on Weight Watchers and get myself into better shape. So I've got a bunch of stuff that I'm tackling all at once. I think that's going to make it more difficult but I want to keep bettering myself. Last year was about achieving emotional balance and health, this year will be about physical and financial goals. Even if I slip up or have set backs I've learned that you grow a lot through the process and reaching for big goals means you have to stretch but it's a good stretch.