Happy Birthday

Well it's official I'm now 30. Somehow I thought I'd feel different about this, but I just feel blah today. I didn't plan anything so it's going to be very low key just some cake and ice cream tonight with my family. I kind of wish I had planned something but doing so just seemed to make the fact Armin isn't here more real. I had a nice weekend scrapbooking with a very nice group of people. We were at a beautiful b&b in Evansburg with excellent food and all we did from 8 in the morning until 2 at night was work on our projects. I got a lot done and really enjoyed myself. Actually everything's been a lot blah lately and I've reallly noticed the emptiness around me. I know I haven't been reaching out enough but days go by without seeing anyone but the cats so it was nice to be around people all weekend. I've been spending way too much time online just surfing idly so I'm going to have to get a move on getting involved in something that gets me out of the house or people into the house. Right now the move is at a complete stop. With the decision to head to Regina for school still floating around and looking like a very good option and taking some time off before to travel. It seems dumb to move twice in less than a year and before paying for schooling it seems dumb to move into a place where I'd need a mortgage when I can live here for free. It's also central so I can sucker people easier into stopping by to feed cats while I'm away for longer times. So the repairs will happen next week but after that I'm going to hold steady for a bit and wait until I know what I want in the next few weeks/months before moving.

Well happy birthday to me! 30 isn't as scary as it seems!

Holding Steady

Well still can't seem to get the Ottawa photos up...technical difficulties but I'm still trying. Glad to report that life is pretty normal so there's just not much to talk about. Cleaned the house yesterday, it was long overdue and now I'm enjoying the benefits of having a nice clean place. I don't know why I put it off so long, since really once you get going it's not that bad.

I'm beginning to look into some travel opportunities and looking for some travel companions, although if none materialize I'll just go it alone or join a tour group. I think I'd like to go after Christmas and the list of places I'm interested in are, Egypt, Africa, India and I'd like to spend more time in Europe. The travel is just phase one of my new plan and will eat up the months until phase 2...

I've also decided to go back to school. This is a two step plan: step one instead of just a general year of upgrading I'm going to go back and get my B.Ed. in Early Childhood Education then I'm going to get my Master of Library Science. Only problem is the B.Ed. program I'm interested in is in Regina. Now I'm debating the merits of moving from the house into something else in Edmonton when I'm just going to move again to Regina in the summer. It's nice to feel like I have a plan though, although the idea of moving someplace where I don't know anyone is a little overwhelming but I figure it's just for a few years at the most and I'll immerse myself in school, hopefully meet some people in class and then come home to Edmonton for the MLIS program at the UofA.

Well I guess there's more going on that I thought but at least I don't feel stressed or upset, just normal which is really quite nice.

A Clear Head - My trip to Ottawa

Well okay despite promises, this post is a little late getting put up. Hopefully the video of my pictures displays for you all. I spent a little time in our nation's capital city and it was a great break for me and gave me a chance to clear my head. A big thank you to Greg, Ranee and the girls for letting me stay at their place and for all the wonderful hospitality they showed me.

I'll admit that I didn't do a ton of sightseeing, opting instead for some retail therapy :-D, sleeping in and watching some Star Trek movies. I did get to the Parliment building twice. We went and saw the Light and Sound show the one evening where they project a film and lights onto the buildings. It was very cool and despite being a little east coast biased made me feel glad to be a Canadian. Then the next day we went back and did the tour of the building, visited the War Memorial Chapel and went to the top of the Peace Tower. It was a great day to visit since Parliment isn't in session, the Senate wasn't meeting and the Library was open so we got to see everything. Of course being a bit of a nerd the library was my favorite part as you'll see from all the photos.

The best part of the trip for me was just getting away from everything for a few days which allowed me some space to really think about things and put stuff in perspective. I think I'm getting close to a plan for the next little bit but since it's not finalized I won't be making it public here. If you're really interested email me and I'll fill you in. Mainly I'm asking for your prayers that if this is the way I'm supposed to go God will give me peace about my decisions and let things move forward.

Getting home was nice until I saw the mess the cats made for me. Silly me I left a roll of paper towels out...man do they like paper towels :D they shredded the whole roll and left paper towel fluff pretty much everywhere. They were glad to see me and we spent the whole day on Wednesday together watching Dr. Who season 1. Can't believe I missed seeing this when it was first on but I'm rapidly catching up on my Dr. Who and greatly enjoying it. I also watched the first season of Coupling while I was away and it was light and funny with that awesome dry British sense of humour I sure do enjoy.

It was great to be back at work and I've started back into the programming swing of things by kicking off my Time for Two's program today. Wow put 12 two year olds in a room and just watch the excitement happen. Actually it was a really good start, the kids are so sweet we sang a bunch of songs, did a bunch of rhymes and even read a couple of books. I'm looking forward to the next 6 weeks with this group. I'm really enjoying the chance to build a 6 week program where each week builds on what we did last week, and the chance to have continuity with the group. In the past I've been doing more one off programs so it's been fun developing this series of programs and getting the chance to try some of my ideas out on a larger scale. I think this might be one of my favorite ages, they are really able to participate, they're learning so much and absorb everything like a sponge.

Well I work early tomorrow so I should wrap up for tonight.

Sand in my shoes

Well my shoes are full of sand, I have dirt under my fingernails and my soul is refreshed. Amazing what a visit to the playground can do for one's soul. There's something about watching kids play and playing along that just feeds your spirit and helps you remember that there is a time when the world is uncomplicated and joy is unfettered. Kids are fearless, they don't stop to think about whether they can or can't do something they just go because they haven't learned about consequences, they haven't learned that things aren't always going to be alright, that sometimes parents aren't fast enough to catch you and that isn't a bad thing. Maybe as a grownup I need to live that way a little more, stop worrying about the consequences, do what I want to do, make the leap and trust that if I fall someone will catch me. Yes I know that sometimes people fall but I've also seen them get back up. So I'm going to keep a little sand in my shoes and playground in my heart. Thanks for the visit Alice I enjoyed digging in the sand with you and remembering that life doesn't have to be so heavy!

Weakness

I thought things were getting easier but then grief hits me again and it seems harder than ever. I'm flashing back to the day he died, the images I've fought to forget from that day won't leave me alone. I cried so hard last night I made myself sick so I phoned in sick from work, I'm beginning to feel like the worst employee in the world. I used to be reliable, focused and positive but now I barely make it through a shift. I feel horrible about it.

I'm also being hit pretty hard with how much I've lost. I just want my life back the way it was. How can you move forward when all you want to do is run back to what you had. How do you teach your heart to stop feeling hope that this is all a bad dream. I love him so much, he was my world, my best friend, my better half and I want him back. I knew how lucky I was to have him I didn't need to lose him to learn that. I miss all the little things we shared, hearing I love you in German, the song "you are my sunshine", his hugs, nothing anymore smells like him, I miss the little emails we'd share, I miss laughing with him, I still talk to him when I'm alone but I miss the answers.

Why did he have to go? Why didn't we get our happily ever after? I've said this all before, I've asked all these questions before but I still have no answers.