Marvelous Metamorphosis

Portion Distortion

2012-01-25T20:34:00.000-08:00

Ok I totally stole the title for my post from this picture I found on pintrest. This picture totally shows one of the biggest challenges for me in weight loss...portions. I just don't know what a healthy portion size is of most foods. Everything is super-sized and I just have lost the ability to judge a portion size. So I spend a lot of my time at home measuring things, reading labels and trying to figure out what a portion should be. This means that eating out is really hard right now because I just don't have the skills to easily judge a portion and yet I know what they brought me is way way way too much. There is also a lot of hidden fat in restaurant foods. I've read that some places put butter on top of their meat before serving to add extra juiciness, if it can be fried they'll do it and there are a lot of sauces with sugars and fats in them. We are programmed to like unhealthy food and too much of it.

Good Ole Meat and Potatoes

The second problem I face is that I grew up in a meat and potatoes family, not that my parents were bad, they cooked fairly healthy food and worked on helping us discuss healthy portions and eating. However, I'm learning that for my body, starch just doesn't work, I am very efficient at turning starch into fat. So I need to rethink what I put on my plate and how I plan a meal. So instead of picking a meat and starch and then adding a vegetable, I need to pick two veggies, a lean protein and just a side of starch. So far this is actually working and feeling pretty good. I do crave starch but it's not because I'm hungry but because so many of the foods that I am familiar with or find "comfortable" are starchy. So once a week I give myself permission to have a starchier comfort meal. In addition I'm continuing my attempt to eat vegetarian 3 times a week, to break my habit of relying on that old meat and potatoes. I also know that eating vegetarian is actually better for the environment, lowers my carbon footprint and is healthier. It also can be cheaper in some cases because meat is quite expensive especially when you are buying smaller amounts like I do because there is just me. A small package of 3 chicken breasts is 3 meals for me but costs more than the super pack of 12 (which is a ridiculous 12 meals) in comparison a can of chickpeas is a lot cheaper :-)

My new plate looks more like this

Also I lost another pound this week, despite a fall of the tracks Saturday, so I'm proud of myself. I fell off the tracks but got back on and pulled it together again, which is why this isn't a diet so much as a healthy lifestyle. In a healthy lifestyle you sometimes make bad choices but you realize it, forgive yourself and next time make better choices.

Wordless no more

2012-01-17T19:06:00.000-08:00

I knew the state of having nothing to say couldn't last :D I know some people might wish I would shut up but I seem to always have an opinion or something to say. So I'm realizing I am an emotional eater...yep...I get stressed I eat. I get upset I eat. I get depressed I eat. I feel happy I eat. You get the picture, heck I even eat cuz Im bored. So I need some new strategies, problem is I don't actually know a healthy way to deal with these emotions. I recognize that eating is just another way of repressing my emotions. I need to address this if I'm going to have long term success.

So I've put a sign on the fridge and the cupboard door it says "WHY are you eating?"to try to get me to think before I reach for food. I also started reading the book "The Life You Want" by Bob Greene. It discusses emotional eating, as well as how to deal with cravings for starches and sugars. I don't know why starches and sugars are so addicting to me but they are the hardest thing to control. I grew up on starches and so they are my comfort food of choice. However, everything I'm learning says that reducing my starch intake is the secret to long term success. I don't struggle as much with sugary treats since my brain has always recognized that a little goes a long way.

So this is what I'm learning about; it's not just about control but figuring out why I eat and finding other ways to deal with those emotions.

Week 2 weigh in

2012-01-16T19:36:00.000-08:00

Hooray down 7lbs. so I'm off to a good start. However the first few weeks are the easiest. I'm beginning to really want something starchy so I might save up my extra points this week and splurge on fries from McD's but we'll see how the week goes. Sorry this is going to be short but I've really got not much to say...hmmm...that doesn't happen often but apparently this is one of those rare moments.

Weigh In Day 1

2012-01-09T15:12:00.000-08:00

Well it's my weigh in day and I'll be honest it was good news I've gone down but I didn't work very hard. I tend to lose quickly at the beginning just by eating a bunch more veggies and cutting out little things like chips/ice cream and fast food. So I wasn't particularly tough on myself and didn't track really well but I took the first steps and that's important. I'm addicted to pintrest and I created a board for healthy 2012 for inspiring quotes, healthy tips and recipes that I find. It's frustrating though because you look up healthy and all you get are pictures of really skinny women usually dressed skimpily.

Typical Fitness Photo...grrr...

Now I know you can be skinny and healthy but having a sister that suffers with an eating disorder makes this a sore subject for me. She could be one of these women but she is far from healthy. She exercises obsessively and binges and purges to maintain the physique that we idealize as healthy. I wish there were more pictures of "real" women who are healthy out there people I could look too for inspiration that maybe aren't super skinny but are healthy. I mean who says that only a size 0 is healthy you can be curvy and sexy. My goal is to get down to a size 16 this year...still wouldn't be considered skinny by most standards but for me that would be a big deal. When I get there I will celebrate by buying a new dress; then I'll re-evaluate and set a new goal but I don't think that a size 0 is ever realistic for my frame.

This is better!

This picture shows the amazing diversity of athletic builds that can be out there so why don't we see and hear more about all types of women. I hate that our society has come to define beauty as only one thing and something that isn't healthy or attainable for everyone. I hate that even if I get healthy I might still not be considered beautiful or thin enough. That's why I set my goal for the year as health not just weight loss. I may need to loose some weight to be healthy but I don't want to just define this year by how "skinny" I get because I recognize that I can be healthy and not "skinny". So I'll get off my beauty soapbox but if you like what I'm saying check out a video on youtube called killing us softly (version 4 is the latest).

Well that's what I have to say this week! Let me know how you are doing with your healthy goals.

New Year...new goal

2012-01-01T21:22:00.001-08:00

Well I haven't been writing much lately mostly because I haven't had any ideas. This year I'm focusing in on my health. I'm going to add a new challenge each month so by the end of the year I'll have 12 healthy new habits. This blog will be the place where I will share my progress, insights and struggles. This way I can keep sharing my life with all of you but with a reason for writing I will be more consistent in my blogging.

This months goal is to get back on track with my weight loss program so I'm rejoining weight watchers or chubby club as my mom calls it. My weigh in day is Mondays so I'll be checking in for sure on Mondays to report my progress. Even if you aren't doing the weight watchers thing I am sure others will be interested in joining me on this journey.

So what new years resolutions did you make? How are you helping yourself stay on track?

What??? It's October??

2011-10-11T14:09:00.001-07:00

Suddenly it's October and I haven't posted since august. Peanut safely arrived august 20th and We welcomed him with a shower shortly after. On thanksgiving we celebrated his baptism and our thankfulness that he's such a wonderful new addition to our family. I'll post some of the shower crafts I made in another post but I had a lot of fun making little things to brighten it up.

School got off to a running start and like always it feels like we are sooo behind then it gets a month in and while I'm busy I'm realizing how much less important this stuff is than the prof thinks.

I'm looking into volunteer opportunities for next summer the front runner is a two week volunteer with the book bus and then go on safari for a couple weeks. As well theres some time snorkeling on the coast. Anyone wanna come with me?

Waiting....

2011-08-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

Well classes finished last week already and I had hoped to be in Edmonton by now....however that is not what has happened but it's not really a bad thing as you'll see.

I went in to register my car here in Saskatchewan, thinking my registration expired in September this year. I had the inspection report I'd been given in hand and was all ready to go. However, they did the wrong inspection (free thankfully) but I had to get the right inspection done (costs money). Bigger problem was that my registration expired a while ago (like April)....CRAP!! The kind lady gave me an 8 day temporary registration so I could legally take my car to the dealership and get my inspection and even phoned to make sure they knew which inspection I needed. CAA membership is totally worth it at moments like this...they always have amazing staff that help with slightly stupid me problems.

So I go to the dealership, wait all day and they call to tell me I have to repair my bumper and front signal light before I can pass inspection (not unexpected). So they order my parts in and tell me to bring the car back Tuesday and she'll be done by Wednesday at the latest. I spend all day yesterday waiting for the early call (NOT) and almost all day today waiting before I called. Apparently the high humidity is really messing with the paint drying times so my car won't be ready until tomorrow. Then they'll sign off on the inspection and I can go back to CAA and get my registration done. This means instead of getting to Edmonton Monday like I thought originally I won't get there until Friday at the best.

But this isn't all the waiting I've been doing. Friday was the date of my 14 day revisit by Orkin...except no one called or showed up that day...I know because I waited most of the day for them. Apparently I was supposed to tell my building manager to schedule it. So I told her I needed the follow up treatment and inspection so she said she'd book it. She then told me they should come yesterday (Tues.)...I waited all day....no Orkin. She then said they said today...I settled in to wait and they were here by 10:30am. So they have retreated things and inspected and I'm officially without house guests. The waiting was worth it in this case to have peace of mind that my place is pest free. Tomorrow I can bring all the items that were decontaminated (1 hour in a hot dryer) and stored in garbage bags on my balcony back into the apartment. I don't know if I'll get it all put away but at least they are out of the elements. I plan on taking time to sort through stuff and get rid of clothes that I don't wear, old towels, mismatched socks and reorganize my clothing storage as I put this stuff away.

On top of all this I've been waiting to hear from my sister that it's GO TIME...but apparently peanut has other ideas or has decided to wait until I can be there (hehehe) since he shows no signs of budging. This is driving my sister sightly batty but she is still before her official due date so he's not late yet. I'm just glad he's healthy and it looks like I'll be around to be part of the welcome to the world party when he arrives. I've been using my waiting time here to craft things up for the baby shower...I'd share photos but I want to surprise my sister with them so you'll have to wait until after the shower. I will say I made my first ever diaper cake and it was easier than I thought and turned out looking soo good. No it's not edible as the father to be thought it's a decorative cake made out of diapers :)

Waiting isn't the most fun and today was even more difficult because during and for 4-6 hours after the retreatment Tyb and I both had to be out of the apartment. Thankfully my friend Kristine came and picked us up (no car you know) and brought us to her apartment where her two kittens greeted Tyb (the world's largest cat) quite nicely. Thankfully our kitty friends were able to find quiet corners and not bug each other too much so we were able to settle in and be creative with paints and circles. Her painting turned out beautifully! Mine was ok but not as stunning but I was just pleased to be creative and with a friend. Friday I broke up the waiting by some winners shopping with Kristine and then went to La Macaroon an amazing French patisserie here in Regina for dessert with Miranda that evening. It was so nice to have guilt free time to just visit and not worry about the school work I should be doing.

I came home today to find the parcel I had been hoping would arrive before I left on my doorstep :) crammed with the most wonderful art supplies to play with while at my parents. So maybe all this waiting hasn't been too bad. I've gotten lots of relaxing done, watched mindless TV, got my apartment woes settled, visited with some friends, and prepped things for the baby shower. Perhaps patience is a virtue and the reward is all the things that get done while you're waiting. At least now when I leave on Friday it's knowing that everything here in Regina is taken care of, my car is legal and safe to drive again, and with some relaxing already done. Which is good because I'm already booking up with chances to see friends and family while I'm home. Saturday is a BBQ with friends in Camrose, Sunday I'm going to see Wicked with a friend (sooo excited), then it's fringing and visiting for the rest of my time. Also more waiting as we wait for peanut to arrive and finally get to welcome him with cuddles and hugs into the Ginther and Pelech families. I've packed my camera so hopefully he's not camera shy so I'll have some pics of the little guy to share when he does arrive!

Good things come to those who wait!

Summer vacation ahead!

2011-07-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

Well the chaos of last week has settled into the quiet of this week. Monday is the last day of class, Wednesday the final and then I'm done and free for a whole month. I'm going to spend that month in Edmonton with my family and visiting with friends there. To avoid boredom (like that'll happen) I'm volunteering at the edmonton kids fringe and throwing a baby shower for my sister. Nothing like a few projects to make time fly before the next round of classes. I'm a little nervous about the practicum part of the next semesters but I'm choosing to be positive about it.

I heard the rumour this week that the university is discontinuing the early childhood education program. If this is true that means there won't be a single university in Canada offering a bachelors degree with a specific early childhood label. Sometimes it seems that I get to things at the right time. Jeremiah says, "All things work for good for those who believe." and I think that although I couldn't believe that at the time Armin died that this is true. Not that I'm glad Armin died I just think God works even bad things into opportunities for good. We just have to pull our heads out of our misery to be able to see it and that sometimes takes distance. I know I'm here at the right time though and for the right purpose.

I had the pleasure of going with a friend to look at wedding dresses, her wedding is still a ways off so this was more of an I'm so excited and oooh pretty dresses trip than an actual shopping but it still was a lot of fun. She got to try on a bunch of gorgeous dresses and no matter what she put on they looked good. It'll be a tough decision then but she's got time to figure out what she wants.

On the bedbug front things are looking way up. I have seen 2 in the living room, (I quickly killed them) but that's all. I've had no bites since the treatment and the follow up treatment is in a week so I'm feeling really positive that soon this will all be behind me. Most of my stuff is spending time in garbage bags on the balcony until after the second treatment so I don't have to rewash it all. So I'm making do with a limited wardrobe and only one pillow and a sheet on the bed. The cat has started laying on soft furniture again and sleeping on the bed so that makes me happy. I also took the opportunity to tweak the furniture arrangements because they all had to move so I could vacuum underneath everything. I'm choosing to think of this as early fall cleaning. So I'm taking the opportunity to get things in order and cleaned.

BedBugs

2011-07-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

Well for a few months I've suspected that something wasn't right in my suite. I had way more "hives" than normal and then I saw a few weird bugs around the place on a few separate occasions. So being a librarian at heart I took to the internet to research what bug this was....turns out it was my worst nightmare....BEDBUGS had moved in with me. So I searched for traces but couldn't find anything....hmmm...weird I thought maybe it wasn't anything...cuz who wants to admit to bedbugs. However, the bites continued and I saw them a few more times....okay war was declared. I told my landlord they came in looked saw nothing and said I was mistaken. So I kept watch and put some dust down that said it killed bedbugs, ants etc. however this seemed to encourage them because I saw them more....which needless to say was starting to freak me out. So I went back to the landlord and said I was going to call an exterminator so finally they agreed to have the exterminator come in to check. Today he came and today I was vindicated yes I have bedbugs. The dust apparently doesn't kill them it just drives them out and forces them to spread....so in doing the wrong thing I kind of did the right thing. So Thursday to my equal stress and delight they are coming to spray and KILL the little bastards.

The stress is that Thursday is my midterm for this 3 week course I'm taking and I have this list of things I'm supposed to do to prep for the exterminator. As well everything needs to by washed that's touched the floor or bed. Since laundry is expensive in my building and there are only 8 machines for 20 floors of suites I'm packing everything into garbage bags and taking it to my parents to use their machines. I asked the Orkin guy and he said the chance of me infesting their place is low if I keep the things outside until they go into the machine to be washed. As well I and my cat have to stay out of my suite for 24 hours after treatment. Normally I'm anti chemicals but in this case I just want the suckers DEAD.

Thankfully bedbugs are like lice fairly easy to kill and don't carry any germs but there is social stigma around having them. I thought about not sharing this information but I think people need to know that bedbugs are very active in Canada right now and many people have them who didn't do anything wrong. However they are quite easy to treat but the most important thing is to call a reputable exterminator ASAP. So please don't judge me harshly or avoid me and my home after it's treated. I'd hate to feel like I have the plague just because I got a few evil roommates.

Apparently they could have already been in my suite just dormant until it got warm (for once my liking my place cold is a benefit) or I picked some up at the University (which is apparently a hotbed for bedbugs) especially since I have brought in textiles and display items several time. It's rarer to get them the second way but I did have stuff that was left at the Uni for a few days at a time. I suspect they were here when I moved in because at the beginning I did have an allergy attack(hives) that I thought might be something in my new suite. However, it cleared up once fall got cooler (they go dormant in cold).

New Venture

2011-07-05T19:41:00.000-07:00

Well I'm taking the leap into personal business by setting up a website and advertising my services as an instructor, as an added bonus it gives me a place to sell my art. The name is Thirzadune ART Farm a tribute to the farm I grew up on and the family I grew up in. Thirzadune is the name of the farm I grew up on and it means gentle rolling hills an apt description of the farm. The website is www.thirzadune.com and it links to this blog as well. I'm excited about the opportunities this may bring my way but recognize it's going to take some work to get this off the ground.

I am back into classes and it's another super fast 3 week course so I've hit the ground running. Today I swept through the library in search of books for the research paper and the supplementary texts. The subject this time is Indigenous Studies 100 and it looks to be interesting but there's a lot of reading and information to wrap my mind around in a very short time period. I'm glad that I had a good week off in Edmonton to refresh myself because I'll be spending a lot of time in the library for the next few weeks.

Race to the finish

2011-06-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

Well this crazy short semester is done and the marks seem to support my feelings that while this is stressful I thrive on the pressure. I am glad to be done and have a short break before I begin another 4 week course. So what am I doing with my break? Right now I'm getting up from a nap LOL late night studying plus early morning exams left me tired so I took a nice nap and now I'm forming my plans for the week or so I have off. On Friday I'll be packing myself and a grumpy cat into the car for the road trip to Edmonton. I promised to help get the nursery ready for peanut and I'm excited to help and it'll be a lot of fun. Allison's been told to stop working and stay at home resting so I know she's getting a little bored so I'm glad that I can come help her get ready for the upcoming arrival of this special person. While it was a little scary to hear that she'd started having some labour pains everything is good but she does need to take it easy. I'm so glad that her and peanut are fine because they are both very special to me.

I'm also packing up art supplies so I hope to spend some time crafting with my mom and anyone else that might want to mess around with me. So far I don't have plans for Canada Day but I'm sure something will come up. I'm also bugging my wonderful youngest sister who's a physio for a backrub which I need after lugging books around for these courses. She's been sounding a little down so we're both looking forward to some bonding time and we also have a baby shower to plan!!

I want to visit with my Grandma too while I'm home because it brings her such happiness to hear about my studies and I treasure the time I get to spend with her. She's in such good health but I don't take that for granted I know so many people my age who don't have their grandparents anymore so I'm going to treasure any time I get to spend with her. She's so amazing and I love hearing about her life and learning from her accumulated wisdom.

I guess my week off sounds pretty busy but it's sooo nice to be home in Edmonton and able to visit with friends and family. I'm a little frustrated at how expensive gas is because I've been trying to cut my spending because this last year of school was a little more expensive than I figured but it's always worth the cost to go home. I think after the summer I'll need to get a part time job just for my own peace of mind. I have my savings but I'd rather not go through it all just to pay for school even if education is a good investment. To settle my mind I think I'll make an appointment to see my investment banker while I'm in Edmonton. Once again I say if you're in Edmonton you need to see this guy and I'm happy to give you his information. It's free to meet with him and find out how you're doing financially. The most important thing I learned after Armin's death was how important financial planning is and that it's never to early and you never have too little to chat with a professional to make sure things are all in order.

While I love Regina it's interesting that Edmonton is still home for me. That should put people who are worried about me wandering far away at ease because while I may wander I'll always come home!

Summertime Beginning

2011-06-09T19:47:00.000-07:00

Today I was able to cruise with the top down somehow this simple act made a week that wasn't so great much better. I think the stress of the semester just really got to me add in I'm still recovering from the bad cold I had and it was an emotional meltdown. I got through all my schoolwork this week and now I'm taking tonight off before beginning next week's assignments and preparation for my finals. I've loved the classes this semester and the pace is good but it does take a toll. I haven't blogged much because I just haven't had much to say. I mean I have lots of random thoughts but nothing of real significance. I also haven't had any time to spend on my art so that's been neglected. I am working on a paper that really interests me. While in Egypt I was blessed to be able to chat with a few muslim women and learn more about their beliefs and their choices. Now I'm writing a paper for my religious studies class about wearing the hijab and learning a lot about Islam. I'd like to go back and revisit these conversations now with the knowledge I have. This has been the benefit of this course I've been learning so much about what I saw but it sure resparks my wanderlust.

Being sick sucks!

2011-05-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days of spinning and I'm ready to get off this ride. I'm better than I first was and trying to find some optimism but I'm getting tired of my apartment, ichiban, toast and oj...while smelling everyone else bbqing...it should be illegal to taunt sick neighbors with the fab smell of bbq. My prof's have been very understanding but I have a final on Friday so no matter what I'll be there. Then Monday is two midterms so I need to get better. At least I can do my readings and try my best to stay on top of things. I just want it to go away. I'm doing some simple exercises and trying to get my balance back.

Labrynthitis

2011-05-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

So quite a few years ago I had my first encounter with this and I hoped after so long they were wrong about reoccurrence. However they were right....grrrr....I've now spent two horrible days trying to stay still and stare at the wall convincing my body that no we are not spinning. Walking is torture even just to the washroom which is 10 steps away...10 very spinny steps even if I hang on to the wall. All this spinning has my stomach convinced it needs to purge itself so I'm nauseous all the time. I have to say this sucks and if it goes on much longer I don't know how I'm going to cope....I can't drive and can barely walk. However today I am able to focus for short periods on the computer screen and sit upright as long as my head is supported so perhaps there's hope.
When I'm sick I want my Mom or Armin so badly...it's hard being sick knowing there isn't someone around that could come help you.
Yep I'm whining today but this sucks and I hate it.

Changes

2011-05-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

Well life keeps going, faster than I'd like. Sadly this means my little blog has been neglected and I've been feeling guilty about that. I decided on a new title, I'm no longer just surviving I'm blooming where I've been planted but I know that this phase will be short and I'll be moving again. Perhaps that's what I've learned the most over the last little while is that change is the only constant in life. So then my life will always be a metamorphosis a process of adapting to the changes that happen.

I'm doing spring/summer classes which I'm really enjoying but they are incredibly fast paced but this suits me and my learning style even better. I don't feel overwhelmed at all, I like going fast and longer class time allows me to really dig into the learning. It's also nice to be using different parts of my brain. I'm taking human biology, finite math, and religious studies. The religious studies has been amazing since we started with hinduism. I finally understand some of the things I saw in India in a way I didn't then. It's been nice to reflect back on that experience and use it in my studies in a concrete way.

My feet feel itchy again...I want to be traveling but I'm committed to school for a while yet. However, I am thinking I will take time off between my degree and my masters to travel. With a B.Ed. I can teach abroad or in Northern Canada for a few years while experiencing someplace new. I'm not committing to anything yet but I know more travel is in my future. It's part of my commitment to doing things that make me happy and fulfilled instead of just wishing I wasn't single.

The biggest struggle I face is that I hate being single, I miss being part of a couple. The little things like always having someone to come home to, talk to, do things with. The problem is while I'm beginning to feel ready to date...there is a shortage of dateable guys in my life. Education programs are pretty female dominated and bachelor programs are filled with guys that are just way too young. I'm realizing that if they're single and close in age...there's a reason they're single.

I've been excited waiting for peanut to arrive but it's still quite a ways off. Watching my sister and her husband has been so much fun, they are going to be great parents. There is a little sadness that I am beginning to think this won't be an experience I'll get to have first hand but at least I can be the best aunt ever.

Well this post has rambled a little...if you stuck with all this thanks! I'll try to post more frequently in the next little while.

Count on Me

2011-04-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

I was thinking the other day how far I've come in two years but I can't take all the credit for my journey. I couldn't have made it without my family and friends. Then while driving home for easter I was listening to this song and just knew it had to be dedicated to all you wonderful people. Even when I was at my craziest or saddest there was someone there for me and I will be eternally grateful for that and for not giving up on me. I may still need a hand but I feel so much stronger and I want to remind you that I'm here for all of you. This also heralds a new name for the blog...don't worry the address will stay the same and I'm open to suggestions so leave them in the comment field.
most especially.... THANK YOU

Long time no write

2011-04-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

Okay I have no excuse for my long absence but it's also a good sign. I'm getting out and connecting more with people in person, I'm living again and not hiding behind my keyboard. The semester is done, just a few finals to write that I'm not feeling very stressed about. On the academic front the big news is that I'll be speaking at my first professional conference. I'll be presenting my paper on multilingualism at the Sask TESL/ TEAL Sask conference. This is exciting for me and it's great for my future career path.

My family went for a family vacation on a cruise to the Caribbean. Everyone went including my Grandma and it was really awesome. We did the western caribbean so we saw: Grand Cayman Island, Honduras, and Mexico. It was a 7 day cruise and I had a great blend of busy and relaxing time. Our whole family went ashore in Grand Cayman and went to the beach together. In Honduras I went to a cove and swam with the dolphins a lifelong dream of mine. In Mexico I visited the Xcaret Park which was a mix of zoo, historical park, beach, and horticultural centre. I really enjoyed the mix of experiences. On ship I took in all the spa had to offer, swam in the pools, read my book, watched some shows and drank lots of yummy drinks. Everyone had a great time, got some sun and just relaxed as a family. It was perfect because you could do what you wanted all day and then we'd all get back together for supper. The timing was a little hectic because I came back and had to finish 3 final projects in 3 days but I got it done so that's all that matters.

An important date passed while we were away, the 2 year anniversary of Armin's death. It doesn't feel like it's been two years it feels like 2 millennium have passed since he died. I'm a lot stronger emotionally than I was but some days I still reach to his side of the bed looking for him. Last night was one of those nights, I've been pretty sick this last weekend with a stomach bug and all I wanted was to be held by someone. It's those little things I miss, the comfort of a touch, his smile, and the having someone next to you at night. Most days I get by because I don't think about it much, it's like a dream that lingers at the edge of your consciousness. Other days I close my eyes and try to escape back into that dream but like all dreams there's no way back. Don't get me wrong I don't hate my life but I do miss the life I had. Last night I cried and today I laughed and I guess that's what life is and what it ends up meaning.

Once my exam is over tomorrow I think it's time for some craft therapy.

Reading week

2011-02-22T20:34:00.000-08:00

Well so far no reading has occurred on this reading week but that's not really unusual. I don't think I've ever read on reading week. It's so nice to be in Edmonton and so far I've had a lot of nice visits with friends and family. It's great to catch up with people but it's been quite a few late nights and busy days. This trend will just continue for the rest of the week...I'll need another week to just recover from this :D but that's the sign of a great vacation.

I'm so grateful to have so many wonderful people in my life. Friends and family are truly treasure beyond worth.

Craftiness Again

2011-02-10T17:59:00.000-08:00

Well I've done a lot of talking about me and my life but I have managed to do some crafting...not much but I'm hopeful to change this. I've got a few girls interested in crafting and we're trying to get together on Friday's to craft. This helps get my creative juices flowing and I find during the week I'm spending more time working on my art journal.

This is a simple puppet set I made for a swap I'm in. It's the 3 little pigs and the big bad wolf (ok he's not so bad). This is one of my favorite fun little puppet ideas and cheap I just go to the dollar store and get utensils.

I found this cool origami paper so I started folding and playing and made this cute little bouquet. It did need a little glue to make it solid enough that if Tyb pushes it over it stays together.

This is just an altered board book I've been playing with. I think it still needs something but I was thinking it would be a great housewarming or wedding gift so it might not get finished until I go to a wedding or something.

There we go a little eye candy to make your early February better!

Suddenly it's midterms and cellphones!

2011-02-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

After weeks of quiet and just readings to do. Suddenly it's midterm season. Papers are due and tests are next week. That's okay I'll survive but suddenly the pressure is on and higher this semester. I made the dean's list last semester, something I'm quite proud of myself for doing. However, now I want to do it again which means maintaining an 85% average. I raised my bar and now I'm not sure I can keep clearing it. We'll just have to see how it goes.

On the weight loss front I'm doing really well, as of today I've lost 15lbs and it's been relatively painless. I've been helped by my goal to eat more local organic food. The only downside is that local organic food is expensive. So I've been balancing this with just eating more veggies and less meat. Come summer it'll be easier when the farmer's markets are full of produce but in winter in Canada local and organic is hard to find. Eating healthier is a lot easier when you live by yourself, you only have to please yourself and there's no one sabotaging you by eating yummy junk.

The shopping is not going quite as well. I have made improvements but I still have been buying things and I have a hard time packing my lunch for Tuesday and Thursday's. That's okay there is still time to keep working on it. I have been doing better about resisting impulse buys and online shopping. I only shopped once this month and I took my Michael's gift certificate with me. Of course I went over a little and then we went to Michael's where I did buy a new pair of dress pants and a sweater. I could've lived without them and probably didn't need them so it wasn't the smartest decision but they will get used with me doing a lot of fieldwork this semester.

On that note fieldwork is awesome. It eats up a lot of my time but I love being with the kids. I spend Wednesday mornings in a grade 3/4 classroom of 29 kids of which 18 are EAL so while I'm supposed to be observing I'm actually getting a lot of hands on time. In the afternoon I go to a french school and assist the English teacher with EAL (english as an acquired language) students, they are generally in grade 6/7 and I do one on one tutoring with them. I also spent an afternoon at a local prekindergarten which was really great and my favorite experience so far. Then starting soon I will be volunteering at the RCMP Heritage Centre here, I think I'll be doing class tours but there will probably be other things to do as well. Due to being in the field so much my coursework seems to be lighter with most of the courses having one midterm, a final or final paper and a reflection piece based on the fieldwork.

I'm looking forward to reading week and I'm planning on heading to Edmonton so that should be good and since I have some extra time this visit I hope I can see some people. I called my Grandma today just to chat and it turns out my Dad was there visiting with her. So I got to talk to both of them, which was good. I will also have to spend some time with Grandma when I'm home since I won't be able to be back for her birthday the next weekend. In order to make this trip better than my last which involved my car getting stuck like 3 times, a trip into the ditch because of black ice and a tow once again from CAA I've got the car going in for a check up and new tires.

I'm also going to get a cellphone .... yep I'm giving into the technology. I'll probably only carry it when traveling to Edmonton for two reasons: if I get stuck and so I can get in touch with my friends even while I'm out and about town. The big debate is what cellphone to get so I'm asking for input. Should I spend the cash for the iphone or do I get something else. If I got an iphone I probably would carry it with me and use it but mostly as a ipod which I already have so it would be redundant. If I go with another option then what do people like.
Leave me your feedback and I'd be grateful.

Is this a dream I see before me?

2011-01-29T19:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it feels like I dreamt my life with Armin, somedays it feels like it almost never happened and then there are days like today when my soul aches missing it's other half. I got amazing news over christmas, I'm going to be an aunt for the first time. Last night I got my first picture of my future niece or nephew hereafter named peanut. It was love at first blurry weird ultrasound picture. I'm so happy for my sister and her husband they are going to be amazing parents to peanut. It just reminded me of what I lost, the path not taken. I'm tired of empty arms, quiet nights and cold regrets. A lot of the time it doesn't hurt like it does today. I don't want people to pity me or think I hate my life. I don't. I genuinely excited to be an aunt. I just miss having someone to share these moments with. I miss having someone that just knows you and is there. I miss curling up on the couch to watch a movie with someone. Crawling into bed after a long day just knowing someone is there. The bed still feels empty, I'm sleeping much better...I guess because empty has become normal but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

2011-01-27T09:48:00.000-08:00

This was for one of my classes but what she says is one of the most insightful and important things I've heard in a long time. Check it out, it is worth your time.

How's it going?

2011-01-15T11:23:00.000-08:00

I'm well into January and working on my resolutions. I've been doing really well at the eating healthy, exercise and lose weight part. As of today I'm down 6lbs and I've made it to the gym 3 out of the 4 days I'd planned to go and the 4th day was missed so I could work with my group on a group project. I've also found that talking about it means I've found people to go to the gym with, support in making good food choices and just generally that a lot of people are trying to do the same thing.

However, I suck at the don't spend money. I didn't realize how much of shopaholic I've become. It hasn't been a total disaster I've just not been as good as I'd hoped I would be. I just really need to stay out of stores and focus on what's important. What I bought isn't too bad since I mostly used my christmas money but I didn't need what I got and I did go over. I also bought some items to fix some problems around the apartment what it wasn't necessary and I could have lived without it.

On this note I'm really struggling because my family is going on a cruise and there are 2 formal nights when we'll be dressing up...I so want to purchase a new dress for these nights and I've even found one I love but I know that I don't need a new dress I have many in my closet that don't get enough wear. I also know that clothing and shoes are particular weaknesses of mine that I was very firm about not induldging this year. I already broke this rule because in order to go to the gym I needed some gym appropriate pants...I went through my whole wardrobe and only had jeans, dress pants and skirts. However because I really didn't have anything I allowed an exception...but it was a carefully considered exception. The problem is that now I feel like the door has been opened to buy clothes...it's tough to close that door...

My motto is that today is always a fresh day so I'm forgiving myself for the mistakes I've made and realizing this is a journey and sometimes learning as you go is more important than perfection. So when I have a bad day and something doesn't work, I eat the junk food or I spend when I shouldn't I just reflect on what happened and start the next day with that knowledge and a plan to avoid that mistake.

Resolved

2011-01-05T13:31:00.000-08:00

Tis the season of resolutions and new beginnings so I'm working on mine. I'm in the process of overhauling my lifestyle this year. I'm working on my shopping issues and trying to eliminate non-essential spending. This has been a rocky start and I've had a few slip ups but I'm working on it. I'm also going to be walking with a friend for an hour a day in between our classes which is a great fitness goal for me. I've also decided to go back on Weight Watchers and get myself into better shape. So I've got a bunch of stuff that I'm tackling all at once. I think that's going to make it more difficult but I want to keep bettering myself. Last year was about achieving emotional balance and health, this year will be about physical and financial goals. Even if I slip up or have set backs I've learned that you grow a lot through the process and reaching for big goals means you have to stretch but it's a good stretch.

Turning over

2010-12-31T11:59:00.000-08:00

It's the dying moments of 2010 a chance to look back at the last year and a moment to look forward. It's the moment we make promises to ourselves about things we want to change. It's the season of new journals, day-timers, calendars: all crisp and blank quivering with the anticipation of a year of appointments, to do lists, rants, thoughts and assignments. For me a new semester is about to begin with new professors, challenges and experiences. This is one of my favorite holidays it's about sitting quietly perched on the cusp of something new, a year filled with possibilities, letting yourself look back at the last year filled with snapshots of good times spent with friends and family. Even your regrets seem less when you gaze into the unwritten future. In school we talk a lot about reflection as important to being a good teacher. We write reflection pieces and meta-reflection pieces. New Years is a reflection holiday we celebrate; saying goodbye to the good and bad of last year, make promises about the new year, and for a moment hover in a space where everything seems possible.

So I encourage you to take this moment look back see both the good and bad, make promises about what you'd like to change and just enjoy the possibilities.

Happy New Year!!

You're doing WHAT???

2010-12-25T16:29:00.000-08:00

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."
- William S. Burroughs

While visiting with lots of people it invariably comes up about my New Year's resolution. I'm excited about it and challenged by it and want to inspire others to make changes in their lives. The biggest question I face is Why? I truly believe our world is doomed if we continue in our current behaviour patterns. The evidence seems clear we are destroying this planet, using up our resources and hurting each other through these patterns. I can't sit by and do nothing. Perhaps my decision seems extreme but it actually seemed to be the least I could do. I know that my small actions won't save the earth and alter the big patterns in place but they can be a place to start. If I make a change and it inspires someone else to make a change over time these changes can add up.

Want some other's viewpoint check out these links:

David Suzuki-Test Tube

WWF-Planet Report

Peace (sort of) on Earth

2010-12-23T10:45:00.000-08:00

Well after a musical and fun filled drive to my parents place. Tyb and I have been settling in quite nicely. Smudge my parent's cat and Beamer their dog aren't sure about this new friend but they are all pretty much ignoring one another. The tree is still intact, no property damage was done and non of them hurt each other so it went much better than expected.

I have to say I kind of enjoy driving to and from Regina/Edmonton because I download audiobooks and listen to them while I drive. This time's selection was "The Stupidest Angel" by Christopher Moore. Any christmas book that manages to include wacky characters, zombies, and still makes you feel good about christmas is a great one! I highly recommend it.

I learned how to check my blog's stats and realized that I have readers from all over. The thing that baffles me is I have a high russian readership...I don't know anyone in Russia so I can't figure out who you are. It's cool to see how many people are reading this little blog. I hope that it entertains you and so knowing that there are many of you out there. I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Joyous New Year. Thanks for following my journey and adventures and I look forward to sharing more with you in the coming year.

Winter Crafting

2010-12-10T22:21:00.000-08:00

The weather gets colder and I like to spend time inside working on crafts. Lucky me I've met a few people here who are also crafty types and we've been spending time together inspiring each other. I only have two exams and so I've had a lot of free time to work on things. Some of these were also projects for school that I completed. Creativity is encouraged in this program and that makes me happy. Tomorrow though is booked for me to write my take home exam...but if that goes well then I can craft on Sunday otherwise I'm grounded. I've also started to pack things up to head home. I'm excited to see everyone and visit with my friends back home.

The Story of Stuff

2010-12-04T15:05:00.000-08:00

The Story of Stuff

This will give you the reason behind my New Year's resolution. I encourage everyone to check this out and take the time to watch this even if you think I'm crazy!

New Year's Resolution

2010-12-04T14:59:00.000-08:00

Well this last semester I've been studying the environment and learning a lot about social justice. I want to put what I've been learning into practice and make a change for the better in this world. So I've spent a lot of time thinking about how to do this and I've come up with a plan. This year I'm going to do a consume less year. Similar in idea to a buy nothing day but given the reality of food, toiletries and school supplies I will need to make some purchases. So I've sort of planned this out. I'm posting this early to give people time to comment and help me refine my plan.
1. I will only purchase whole food and try to purchase as much of that in an organic, local grown, fair trade form. I've already signed up for a CSA starting next spring.
2. I will not purchase fast food including frozen meals, pop, chips, chocolate bars. The one exception would be if I'm hosting a party I'm allowed to purchase pop.
3. I will not purchase at convenience stores
4. No more coffee shops except if going as a social outing but I will try to encourage people to come to my place for tea instead.
5. I will limit my toiletry purchases to the essentials, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, tooth paste and face wash. When possible I will look up alternative greener products using deep clean to guide my purchasing.
5. I will try to make most of my presents for the coming year but if appropriate I won't punish people by not purchasing a real gift for them
6. I know I will be taking a vacation at some point with my family I suspect that week may be a hiatus from these rules.
7. I will be allowed to purchase any school supplies but I will try to purchase used where possible or electronically.
8. Utilities will be maintained; but as I go along I may make decisions to cut back my tv package
9. The hardest will be ebooks and itunes for me...I'm still torn but I'm going to try go without purchasing from them
10. Clothes, Shoes, craft supplies, books, dvds, knicknacks, are all forbidden
11. I will continue to use the bus and my bike for commuting to school and limit my driving, if I'm going to drive I'll try to combine errands into one trip.
12. To use my blog as a place to share how I'm doing and resources I've found to help me.

Why do this? To try to free myself from the chains of consumerism and in some ways try to drop out of the cycle of buying and throwing out. This is going to be hard and I know it. To quote Ghandi I want "to be the change I want to see in the world"

Long Overdue

2010-11-29T21:43:00.000-08:00

This post is long overdue, and I really have no good excuse. School has been busy but I still should have posted a few things. So what's been going on?

Assignments have been pouring out of my place and into my prof's eager (perhaps not) hands. I'm finding most of the coursework interesting and not horribly hard. Some are pretty cool and lots of them encourage us to be creative. The thing that is hard is all of the group projects, I've had great groups, okay groups and a few duds. I've come to the theory that group work is like marxism great idea on paper but complete crap in reality because it forgets to take into account the reality of people. The thing I hate is in the one group there are two people who are just not getting it; so me and my friend end up having to do all the work if we're going to get a good mark. So basically the other two get a free ride on our coat tails....and we have to figure out ways to keep them busy, explain what's going on 20 times and keep them out of the really important stuff.

I had a great time for Halloween, I joined my friend Katrina and we took her two girls trick or treating. I also get to join them in a week to ride the Christmas Train which will be fun. I finally got a working oven in my place so Kristine came over and we baked up a storm to break it in, then I played bartender and we sampled some of my fave concoctions which was a blast and I introduced her to one of my new favorite movies Repo! The Genetic Opera. This weekend with the start of advent and because one of our group projects needed christmas lights to help create a midway booth (don't ask) I decorated my place for Christmas and finally shifted the living room furniture into a better layout. I got to meet a great family and spend some time babysitting for them in trade for using their children as the subject for one of my projects. I had a great time! Shannon drove down from 'Toon to spend the day not being Mommy. We had lunch and watched the new Harry Potter movie. It was a lot of fun and the movie was great!

For the most part I've been pretty pleased with my marks and with what I've been learning. Just like in most areas there is a big gap between the idealism of the theory you learn in school and the reality of the work world. It's wonderful to talk about how you can create the perfect educational experience but rarely do we discuss the obstacles that will face a teacher in the classroom. I think that's partly why education has such a high burnout rate; education programs aren't always addressing the reality that will face people. We spend hours talking about social justice education, environmental education and best practices but 80% of what we talk about is probably not easily achieved in a traditional educational setting. It's all well to say that for kids to learn about the environment they need to spend time outdoors as much as possible and that they should be taken out to wild natural spaces but in reality field trips take a lot of time and financial planning. There's the added complication that while it's great to say that you should let your students lead your teaching but in reality there are standardized tests that are provincially mandated that your students have to pass. If your class does badly on these tests you are held responsible as a teacher, to cope most teachers end up doing some degree of teaching to the test. These are obstacles that as a young teacher you have very little control over or ability to change. Wow that was a bit of a rant...sorry to those who aren't educators out there.

I'm really doing well, settling in and slowly building some friendships. I really like Regina but i do miss the people in Edmonton. Next semester I'm looking at hosting a craft night once a week for a few friends which would be fun.

Age is relative

2010-10-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

So I've been stressing a little about being "old" and back in school. Worried about the fact I don't fit in with these kids. Worried that my clothes mark me as different. Just plain stupid stuff. Then I went camping with my one class and realized that most of them don't view me as "old" in fact I don't think most of them realize how old I really am. Then today one of my classmates came up to me and told me how much she admired my sense of style and compared me to Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds. I was floored I don't think of myself as stylish or cool or neat and I love Penelope she's soo cool. This one little compliment helped me reevaluate myself and feel like I can do what I want. With age I guess confidence can come and sometimes it's nice to know yourself well enough to feel great in my own skin. I forget this sometimes, I think everyone does, why do we always sell ourselves short?

I'm smart, motivated, fun, and have a pretty good wardrobe. So why do I think people might not like me? Why do I stress about what I wear?

Sorry no answers today just questions. Sometimes that's all you have.

Camping...Having lots of Fun...Camping

2010-10-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

Well I did it! Survived our Environmental Science camping trip. It was the coldest weather I've ever camped in and the wind was insane. I have to say that while there were moments I wanted to come home but I tried to stay positive and in the end I had a good time and was extremely proud of myself. It was great to get away from the city and I always love camping. I also enjoyed getting to know my classmates much better. In some cases ie my tent mates we got very close...because cuddling while sleeping was encouraged as a way to stay warm LOL. We also learned and discussed some interesting topics around food. Sometimes its easy to take for granted food and that what we get is actually good for us. However, that's not always true. We talked about making ethical and nutritional choices. We discussed eating local food, how the global food market hurts small farmers, the changing face of nutrition and about community supported agriculture. We even spent some time gardening on the CSA who let us use their land to camp on. All in all it was a great weekend. I'd been worried about it and it does mean I'm a little behind now on my schoolwork and don't even ask about my housework but I think it was worth it. I would do some things differently and I know I won't be taking little guys out camping but I think every experience is something you can learn from. Plus I have a new toughness level experience for myself.

Classes Rolling along!!

2010-10-14T16:37:00.001-07:00

Well I survived the first big round of papers and mid-terms! Marks are trickling back in and so far it looks pretty good, I'm sitting around 90% in most of my classes right now. I'm feeling great about that and glad my hard work is paying off. I need to put a little more attention into my place because it's a mess and I never finished unpacking the craft room. However, that won't happen this weekend because I'll be camping for my environmental education class. We'll be studying about food sustainability on a green ranch. We'll be roughing it no running water, tents, no electronics, fire to cook on and no bathrooms. Thank goodness I've gone roughing it before so I'm prepared for it but I think some of my classmates are not as prepared. While I think camping in late october in canada is a risk it sounds like we'll get lucky with the weather. Hopefully it's a good time for everyone. We went biking yesterday for this class and it was fun. My butt is sore today but it was worth it. A beautiful day, a scavenger hunt and I proved to myself that it's easy to ride to and from school. So while I remain a weather wimp so I'll only be riding on good days but I'm going to work bike commuting into my school schedule. It actually doesn't take me any longer to get to school by bike and then I'll be getting a little more exercise. On bad weather days I'll take the bus and together this keeps my car parked and my lifestyle a little greener.

I had a great thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for! I have two cities to call home and people I care about in both. I am living a great life and achieving some of my dreams. I've reached a place of contentment. I've travelled and seen many things that make me even more grateful for my life. I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving too and that you found things to be thankful for.

School is Hectic but Good

2010-09-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

School has been very busy and the assignments just keep piling up and I'm loving every minute of it. I have frustrations with profs, group assignments that never seem to end and a reading list that goes on and on and on but I really do enjoy being back in school. I love studying and learning. While I may not always like the hectic pace I don't think I'd change a thing about my life right now. I thrive in academic settings and quite enjoy it. I just haven't been able to find a church yet but I'll keep looking. I don't have a lot to say right now i think because it's all going into my papers right now. Almost all of my courses ask us to keep reflective journals on what we're learning so I'm cranking out about 10 pages a week in just journal entries. So if my posts are a little sparse I'm sorry. :(

Happy Birthday!!

2010-09-25T18:33:00.001-07:00

Well I'm another year more experienced and what a year it has been. I travelled the globe and ended up here in Regina. I started school again after being out of school for years. I've made many new friends and enjoyed lots of time with friends of old. My life is unrecognizable from the life it was a year ago but some things will never change. I've identified what is truly important to me and weeded out the excess. I've reached a point where I am very content with my life. I had a great weekend visit home with my family, and I went to celebrate a dear friends recent wedding and had a great time catching up with longtime friends. It was the perfect way to celebrate my birthday and I got the present I wanted which was a drill. I know it pained Mom to have to buy her daughter a power tool but I love it and have used it already.

My days here are finding a pattern. Mondays and Tuesdays are very long days I'm in class from morning until night but then I have two short days and no classes on Friday. I devote Friday's to running errands and studying. Saturdays I head to the coffee shop for a location change and to get a lot of studying done without the distractions of home, then grocery shopping and cleaning. Sundays I go to church then if my readings are all done I relax doing crafts or reading for fun. It's not very exciting I guess but I'm content and I'm very on top of my readings and schoolwork. I sure like patterns and this works well for me. I've learned so much already and it's amazing to learn how to put into practice the critical theories I studied in my English classes. There's a lot to be said for coming back to school as a "mature" student.

I fell in love today...nope not the cute Johnny Depp barista, although he's good eye candy....my love is my new vacuum! I did the math, I researched and I bought a Dyson. It is well worth it although I almost changed my mind several times but after using it once I think every penny was worth it. My yucky carpet looks better than when I moved in and I love the mini beater head for cleaning the furniture. I think if he'd let me there's even a tool that could clean Tybalt :D but he's worried he'd be bald.

Tybalt is loving all the extra attention and while we miss Adrianna he's become a new cat. He is now quite bossy to me and meows to scold me when he doesn't get his way. He's also a lot more playful but this means his water dish gets dumped at least 3 times a day the upside of this is the bathroom floor is quite clean. When it's nice ie. not raining he sits on the balcony and watches the traffic, people and pigeons below. I'm a little worried he's getting an elevated sense of self but then I remember he's a cat he already thinks he's the top of the world. As long as I keep feeding him, petting him and supply him with toy mice he's happy.

When you need it most...

2010-09-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about my day. I got up bleary eyed and tired because I didn't sleep well last night but had to get downtown by 10am for my hair appointment. Thinking to cheer myself up I put on my lovely new fluevogs and decided to leave early and walk. I made it the 9 blocks to the salon which really isn't that far unless you are wearing new shoes...stupid me. I get in and go to the desk and the girl searches for my appointment...nowhere to be found. But I booked over the internet I said and got a confirmation email. She looks in the email...you booked for Oct. 10th she says showing me my email...I sigh...she kindly looks at the schedule and says well I have an opening at 2pm....I thank her greatly for her kindness in fitting me in. Now I'm downtown, my feet hurt and I have until 2pm...hmmm. No problem I think there's that coffee shop with the awesome tea latte's just go there. So I do I go there order my london fog and find a seat, I sit down and note the table wobbles but no problem I think I'm just getting a drink. They call my drink and I go pick it up, hmmm it's in a travel cup instead of a coffee mug should I grab a lid...nah I'm staying here. I put the drink on the table and go to sit down...somehow in this process I proceed to tilt the entire table which causes my drink to flip in midair and pour all the tea all over me, my new shoes and the floor. I think every lady in the place rushed over with napkins while I stood in stunned silence to help clean me and my stuff off while the barista grabbed the mop. The kind barista remade me another london fog for free which made me throw an extra 3 dollars in the tip jar above what i'd tipped earlier and more effusive thanks. I carefully put a travel lid on this time sat back at my table and proceed to read my ebook and drink my tea. Well that took me an hour still more time to kill. I thought about going to the farmer's market but while walking there found a beautiful park and thought, my feet hurt I'm going to sit here in the sunshine read my book and try to avoid any more catastrophe's today. So there I sat reading in the sunshine and actually quite enjoying myself while I dried out from the tea spill. Suddenly I feel a gaze on me and I look up at a little old man with a cane standing there, he asks is that a book or a computer? I answer a book. Well whatcha reading? We start to chat well actually he chats at me while I smile nod and listen. I learn that we are all descended from the mongolians and those gene things prove it, so inside we're all the same so why can't we get along better. I learn he's hungarian and 89 years old, I learn he had 18 brothers and sisters but only one remains, I learn that he's a great grandfather and proud of all his grandkids. I also learn he's catholic and that it's okay that I'm lutheran his sister married a lutheran and nothing bad came of that. Before leaving he painfully gets up leans on his cane and looks at me and says "The most important thing I've learned is never give up your faith." the he slowly starts to walk away saying goodbye and god bless. As he left I thought about how I needed that message more than ever today and thought maybe I was wrong maybe God does send angels still today when you really need it most. My day went on I had lunch at a cool little place that makes an awesome vegetarian pizza, I got a great haircut from a very nice girl and walked painfully home but none of that really matters just like none of the bad things I've been through matters...as long as I never give up my faith.

Good bye dear friend

2010-09-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

It was a sad day today, after being together 10 years lovely Adrianna had to be put down. Two years ago we were a family of 2 humans, 3 cats, 1 dog now it's just Me and Tybalt...sigh I'm beginning to wonder who I angered up there. This goes beyond ridiculous I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of sick melodrama and I'm tired of feeling like all I do is tell people sad sob stories when we talk. I'm tired of crying and saying good bye. I feel really bad like the stress of moving was the cause of her illness and that makes me feel guilty but the vet said this could have happened anyways. I'm going to miss my little mousie but I'm glad she didn't suffer too much and at least I know Armin will take care of her now.

The hard thing is my first week of school was great. I've already met a few people so I feel like I see a few friendly faces as I walk around campus. UofR is small in comparison to the UofA and it's kind of nice that way. My professors have so far been very approachable and good instructors in fact my only complaint might be they do more handholding than I'm used to. Even the readings I've been doing have been interesting...so far most of the stuff is going to need adapting to fit my future goals but knowing where you want to go really helps you while you're studying and working. This is a very different feeling than my first degree where I didn't know what I wanted and it didn't seem applicable to real life.

Home Sweet Home

2010-09-01T19:23:00.000-07:00

Tonight the cats and I celebrated, they had some wet food, I had a dream soda and some cheesy dip with nachos, it was wild. What were we celebrating? We are officially unpacked!! A few things need sorting but I'm declaring us moved in. It's a very nice feeling and it is fabulous to be in a new place. So much emotional baggage was left behind and life feels fresh and exciting.

It's a little lonely being in a new place but I've already made some contacts in the local board game community and we're going to go for drinks and I've already been invited to join a poker group. Also I've been up to Saskatoon to visit some friends there and we have plans to get together a lot more. Orientation is on Tuesday and classes start Wednesday so I'll be meeting people there.

I really like my apartment building it's about 15 minutes to anywhere in Regina. I've found a grocery store I like too. I just need to find a good place for chinese delivery and life will be complete. The area I'm in is very multiethnic which is cool I suspect some people would think that was a bad thing but I'm happy with it. There's a very cool coffee shop just a few blocks down, the farmers market is 5 blocks away, and I can't wait to explore the bakery cafe down the street. I'll be going to the university tomorrow to get my textbooks and my student id, hopefully the lineups won't be too bad.

The cats are mixed about this change in their home environment. Tyb has settled in pretty well he misses having room to play but he likes being able to look down on the world and watch cars and people. Adrianna spends a lot of time in hiding and I'm worried about how much weight she's lost but she's started bossing Tyb around and peeing on the bed to prove how mad she is at me so I think she'll be okay.

I've even started crafting now since I'm partcipating in a craft swap on craftster.org that I'm excited about. But since my swap partner might be checking up on me I have to keep the details hush hush so she'll be suprised ;)

So life is pretty good here in Regina it's far from the people I love but it'll be okay!

Too many books blues

2010-08-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

It's official I have too many books. Even with two new bookshelves there were still too many books and more boxes of them just keep turning up. So I spent today shifting and weeding, things I thought I wouldn't do after I left the library....I forgot about my own library. There were duplicates, there were books that were Armin's, there were some pretty ratty old romance novels, and hidden there were lots of old friends. I know people don't understand why I keep so many books but they are like friends, only better in some ways. They never let you down, they never dissapoint and they take you places you only imagined. So how can I let them go. I'm also a dedicated rereader if I like a book it'll be read at least once a year. Some of my favorites have been read 100s of times, I never seem to get tired of going back to them. My e-reader means my collection might not be growing too much more but it can't reproduce the awesome old book smell...it's one of my fave scents. It's actually a lot like a drug to me, that smell seems to calm me down, relax me and helps me feel at peace.

Unpacking is going really well slowly things are finding their homes. The living room, kitchen and bathroom are completely done. The bedroom is close I just need to finish putting clothes away and getting them hung up. Then I have permission to work on my craft room...yep I need to bribe myself to do the unpacking. After that I also need to work on hanging pictures on the walls...but that'll take a little longer because some of the stuff I need to put into frames.

I had a good cry today too, I found the hoodies of Armin's I'd kept for myself and they still smell slightly of him. I hugged them close and cried but felt peace. I'm sure I've made the right choice I know it's been hard for my friends and family to watch me move so far away but so far it's good. A lot of heaviness and day to day baggage was lifted when I moved. It's nice to be someplace that's just mine and nice to not be haunted by memories but instead be able to embrace them when I choose. I can better honor his memory this way instead of feeling tied down by it. This is a good thing a very good thing.

Fresh Start

2010-08-16T12:45:00.000-07:00

Well it wasn't the easiest move I've ever made but I did it and now I'm beginning the process of settling in. It was a busy week, Wednesday I went out to the Red Piano with my friends for a good bye celebration. Then Thursday I finished all my packing and that evening we loaded up the Uhaul, I spent the night at my sister's place. Friday my brother in law drove the uhaul, I drove my car with the cats and my mom and sister drove mom's car and we caravanned to Regina. It took us a little over 8 hours the cats meowed and whined for 6 of those hours. Thankfully we easily found parking for the van near my apartment. My other sister flew out to join us that night. Thankfully some friends happened to be in Regina this weekend for a graduation so they helped us unload the truck...we even put their small children to work carrying little boxes and things as well as helping push the elevator buttons. I had hired some people to help unfortunately they were sketchy so we kept them downstairs and under supervision, they did get most of the stuff off the truck but my friends and family did a lot of the real work.

Saturday night Mom took us out for dinner to celebrate having finished. I was able to spend that night in my own bed. All things considered it went pretty smoothly and now the cats are slowly settling in. I've been tackling unpacking one room at a time and so far have a useable bedroom, bathroom, living room and I'm working on the kitchen today. I was excited when the sasktel guy came today and quickly got my phone, internet and tv up and running! It really is beginning to feel like home. I have a lot of unpacking yet to do but progress is being made, the cats are enjoying sitting in the windows looking out at the traffic. I'm already finding my way around town, it's pretty easy to find things.

So far I'm feeling really good about this move. I know I'm a long way from home but I really needed this fresh start. I feel a lot lighter being free from the house. Well there are more boxes to unpack and I need to move my car into my new parking stall so I'll post pictures of my new place next time.

Movin' right along

2010-08-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well packing for moving is well underway I keep telling myself it'll get better but right now it's just chaos around here. The cats are skittish and upset which means they leave presents for me all over. People are coming to pick up things that are going to new homes and I'm finding the back of closets and cupboards I haven't seen since we moved in. I think things are under control but I feel like I don't quite have a handle on everything. Those who have braved the chaos say it looks like I have it all under control so I'll trust that it'll come together on Moving Day.

I had computer problems but they are all fixed now and after a week without it I have my laptop back and I'm so glad. You don't realize how dependent you are on something till you have to make do without it for a while. My whole life is on my laptop, address book, email, books, tv, music, photos, etc.

I did the insane by driving out to Regina and back all in one day just to get my keys to my apartment and scout out the route. I like driving but 16 hours driving in an 18 hour trip taxed even my endurance. I made it safely there and back and only suffered a sun burn. I forgot that with the top down, even on a cloudy day, you don't feel hot but the sun still touches you :D. Oh well it's already healing and only my nose is peeling so far.

My new apartment wasn't quite as nice as I had hoped but it's big and has lots of storage so I can live with the touches of the 70s and the nasty old carpet. It's close to the university and shopping areas so that's positive. It also has a giant balcony which will be nice. I think once I get my furniture in and stuff arranged around it won't feel quite so horrifically dated. I have some rugs to put down to cover the bad carpet, I can put vinyl over the fake wood sliding closet doors and then you won't notice the lovely brass light fixtures. When there's nothing else there that's all you see. The good things are there's lots of natural light, there's an air conditioning unit in the living room, it comes with blinds on all the windows, the storage space is insane, the building and parking areas are very very secure and the building manager is very nice. Those are things you can't really change and well the other stuff you can live with or make small changes to cover or hide them.

Beauty secrets

2010-07-21T21:13:00.000-07:00

Okay Lady Godiva I'm not and I'm not a fashion diva but I think I get out the door looking okay and I feel like if you find something awesome you should share, so this post is one big free advertisement :D

I've found this awesome face cleanser, toner, lotion set at L'Octaine. I first discovered this company in Paris (which sounds cool) and now they're in Edmonton at West Edmonton. They make awesome natural products and the new Red Rice Vinegar cleansing stuff is amazing, I've always struggled with acne but this really does clear it up and doesn't dry out my skin. So it looks good and clear. You do need to use all three products for the best results but it's easy to use and worth it.

I've also found this great body moisturizer. Its from the Rocky Mountain Soap Company, and it comes in different formulas and scents. I use the unscented for eczema which does smell of beeswax but that's all. It looks like a deodorant and that makes it easy to apply you put it on and let it melt into your skin, the wax kind of seals the cocoa butter in so it lasts a long long time. I have very sensitive skin and this is the first time something doesn't cause a rash and actually soothes my skin when it's reacting to something else.

Lastly I've found some great new makeup. I splurged and bought mineral makeup from a seller on Etsy. I've been using it for a few days now and I love it!! It's so subtle but really covers well. No one can hardly tell I'm wearing makeup I just look like me but better. It lasts all day without feeling heavy or greasy or gross. The seller I bought from on Etsy even included a little brush set with my stuff. I think I'll end up going back for more eye colours since I like playing with eye colours.

Chocolate while not technically a beauty product just seems to belong here and I've found that it's worth it to buy good chocolate and I eat less and it works better :D So I've started buying the Lindt bars, my favorite is the 70% dark chocolate with caramel. It's really as decadent as it sounds and yet a bar lasts me several days since I just eat a few squares at a time.

Well that's my free advertising but I like these products a lot!

Sold...Again!!

2010-07-20T17:43:00.000-07:00

Well it's official this time!! The conditions came off and my house is sold. The new owner takes possession August 27th and I've set my moving date for the 14th of August. I spent this morning arranging utilities shut down the house ones and setting up the apartment. I've been shipping the excess stuff off to friends and family and I'll begin packing soon. After getting some quotes I decided to do this the harder way and solicit any friends and family help to move me and a Uhaul to Regina. Things are starting to come together but it seems like every time 3 things fall into place 6 more need to be done. Deep breaths soon I'll be moved and settling into a new place and hopefully things settle down with it.

To celebrate the sale, I spent the day cleaning :( I even cleaned out all the science projects from the fridge. I need to learn to cook smaller portions or start freezing half, after a while you just can't eat anymore of one thing. I did learn that sauerkraut doesn't mold it just dries out, however tabuleh salad goes really downhill in interesting ways.

Dad is doing much better and is busier now he's at the Glenrose, the staff there really does a great job. He still can't use his one arm for another couple weeks of healing, then the brace will come off and they'll begin getting him strong enough to go home. They got him set up with a one hand driven wheelchair so he's got some mobility and they have lots of recreation activities including a wood class he attends. He still appreciates visitors but at least if someone isn't there he can head down to the tv room and find someone to play crib with.

I've been a little down lately not horrible just lacking motivation, probably some of it's due to the weather which has been rainy and some of it emotional with all the changes but I'm trying to keep busy and find chances to get together with friends before I leave.

Introducing...

2010-07-09T18:16:00.000-07:00

HERBERT the hippo! My awesome friends Terry and Kathryn got me a hippo friend and he's a telus hippo :D which makes him even cooler. So I have a new monthly goal to craft Herbert a monthly wardrobe.

I needed something positive today since my sale pretty much fell apart here, they didn't get their financing, they didn't do their inspection and so I'm back to house showing. The hardest part of this was that I could do nothing about this so I just had to sit back and let it happen but it was on and off for the last few days which was even harder than just them saying no.

On the positive side I got the apartment I wanted in Regina so next week I'll be talking to movers and setting up/closing down utilities. I did the google street-view of my new neighborhood, I live on top of a used bookstore, an ethiopian restaurant and the schizophrenia center. I will be a block from a 7 eleven and a 24 hour shoppers drug mart. The bus stop is just outside my door for the bus to the university. So I'm pretty psyched there are also lots of hotels in the downtown core just blocks away so you have a place to stay if you come visit.

I also got my invite to the mature student orientation event which is an evening of dessert and cocktails with a campus tour. I'm excited to go and meet some people and no frisbees or beer in sight. After they tried to put me in dorms i was a little worried that they didn't consider me a mature student but thankfully I am so I can hopefully find a niche and a few new people to meet.

Sold!

2010-06-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

Well it's official, the house sold in less than 24 hours. We still have to have the conditions removed which are the buyers financing falling into place and a home inspection. Very normal and it sounds like it should go smoothly. I can't believe what a state I worked myself into over this selling business and then to have it go so easy. Once again I underestimated God, I didn't even think to pray about it and yet he still provided. I don't know why I always forget to give my worries over to him. I really prefer to keep them to myself but he still finds away to work around me and despite me give me what I need.

I'm happy the process went well, I'm happy that I can move on but I'm sad to leave. Now it's time to pack, hire movers, do the paperwork and start a new life in Regina.

Crafty Goodness

2010-06-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

Well as promised here's some of the crafty goodness I've been whipping up in the last little while. Sorry this will be picture heavy :D

This little house I made a while ago and it's been hanging out in my living room so some of you lucky folks may have seen it already. It just makes me happy to look at and there's no theme or anything just things I like all hanging out to make a house.

This little girl is my needle felted fairy :) I have some explanations of needle felting coming up with some pics and I'd like you all to note that no fairies were harmed during this photo shoot, the cat was just used for size reference.

This little house was a chance for me to experiment with a colour I don't usually use, which was the point of it, to stretch myself. I'm not completely satisfied with it yet and it really didn't want to photograph well sorry but it'll give you an idea of the piece.

This is a just for fun thing, a shrine to love. It's tin I've painted and glued a bunch of stuff on. I think it's really pretty but I may be biased.

I've been working on Artist Trading Cards and while I haven't quite gotten to actually trading them I've been building up quite a collection of my own and I needed something to keep them in so I took this old coffee tin and I painted and collaged onto it, added a label tag and voila a fancy dancy place for my ATCs to live. The picture on the top is a rubber stamp I bought in Stratford on Avon actually I bought several they are all female shakespeare characters and they are amazing!

Now needle felting, this is my new latest obsession. It's really easy you take raw dyed wool, it's very soft and fluffy, add a sharp barbed needle (very sharp my fingers can prove it). You poke the wool with the needle and it felts, if you poke too far you scream aaahhh dammit as you remove the needle from your finger. In the end you get a fluffy little chicken. I've been learning courtesy of joggles.com which has online classes in all sorts of crafts and has a great selection of craft stuff I love it.

Voila here's the chicky I made. He's perched on the awesome plate Monica gave me for my birthday and he looks pretty cute, although sometimes a little angry I got the eyes shaped funny. Next week's lesson is making a bunny rabbit. The fairy I made I totally made up myself.

The Selling Blues

2010-06-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

Well a lot of hard work later and finally I'm ready to list the house...well sort of ready. Emotionally I'm not sure I'm ready but it has to happen. It's very bitter sweet to be bidding farewell to this place. While there's been a lot of sadness this last year, it was our happy home for quite a while. I remember the joy we felt when bought this place, the hopes and dreams we dreamt while we moved in, the memories we made in the following years. There were so many good times, now that's all gone. Leaving this place means leaving behind the good and the bad, moving forward but leaving the past behind. Emotionally I'm feeling very mixed feelings.

I'm also very anxious about the showing the house part. What to do with the kitties, what to do with me, keeping the place in show condition day after day, it makes my head hurt.

Oh well, it has to happen...so if you know anyone who would like a very nice well cared for bungalow with nice neighbors send them my way.

Connecting

2010-06-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

Well my cold is just about gone, even the cough isn't too scary sounding, so I've actually been going out in public. Well actually mostly just to the hospital, my Dad is still at the UofA hospital and tomorrow is his surgery date. After finally agreeing to do an MRI they discovered he had torn 3 of the 4 muscles in his shoulder. This solved the "mystery" of why he couldn't move his arm side to side. From the date of surgery it's six weeks before he's supposed to put any weight on it. We're not sure what that means but it most likely means he'll be in the hospital for those 6 weeks since he won't be able to preform his transfers (moving from his chair to bed) so he'll need assistance although he's surprised everyone the last 3 weeks with how much he's been able to do through sheer willpower and adjustments.

I'm choosing to be optimistic about this and in some ways it's easier for me than the rest of my family. He's alive and this is a relatively minor hiccup and they've said it's a full recovery type thing so once he's recovered he can go on with life. To me right now it feels trivial but I know it isn't to him. It's inconvenient that he's stuck in the hospital, it sucks that he and mom had to cancel their holidays, the reminder that he's getting older wasn't really needed but I know he'll recover so I can be positive. I just wish I could share that with the rest of the family who after so many hits this last year and a half are reeling a bit and are very emotional. I don't want to trivialize their feelings because what they feel is important. I think I've hit the dead zone aka my emotional limit because this isn't phasing me too much or maybe I've finally learned to just roll with the punches. I do know that I'm sure it's the fault of someone in the hospital that I caught this cold (boo) but even a cold couldn't stop me.

My next post will have some craft photos I promise since I'm taking some online craft classes and I'm learning some new skills which are just feeding my need to create, but it may be a few days since I'll be at the hospital with mom tomorrow when Dad gets out of surgery and I've promised to take Grandma to visit Dad the next day so she can make sure her "baby" is fine. It's fun watching my Dad get parented.

I received the best inheritance you can ever get, a disk of 400+ pictures from my Grandfather Ginther's side of the family. These negatives were found in a shoe box in the back of a closet in my great aunt's house and one of my cousins took the time to scan them all into the computer and now we're sharing them amongst the whole family. These pictures go back to include baby pictures of my Grandfather, my great Grandparents as a young couple and even a few shots of my previously unknown Great Great Grandparents. It's strange to look through these photos and see people and places I know so well and to notice the things that tie us together. Several shots of the family surrounded by books gave me a thrill, there was proof I'd inherited my love of reading. A shot of my Grandma as a teen laughing with her peers, showed me the vivacious beauty my Grandpa first met. A shot of my grandpa on the tractor as a teen followed by a shot of his desk at home crowded with books reminded me of the things I loved best about him and want included in my life. Looking into the eyes of the Great Grandmother I only knew as an old woman trapped silent by Parkinson's disease and seeing her as a young wife and mother made her even more real to me. So many glimpses into life back then and being able to draw connections to my life now is an amazing gift. Scripture says the fruit of the fathers will be their children and their children's children, I realize that this is true I'm the fruit of all these people I carry bits of them in me. That's amazing to think of I'm sure my ancestors weren't fretting about what I'd turn out to be but I am the person I am today because of the choices they made. Someday I'll get to meet them in Heaven and truly know them but this small glimpse into their lives assures me we'll get along just fine because we're related you know :D

more soapy bubble thoughts

2010-06-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

We'll I thought I would avoid cold/flu season but apparently some germs were just waiting for me to get back and settled in before hitting with a vengeance. The worst seems to be over now I'm just coughing and I'm hoping a hot bath will loosen the last of the gunk up. So I thought it's time for some random thoughts from my head.

1. Law and Order: Apparently this show is just the thing the doctor ordered, I've been watching tons of episodes and both the original series and the Special Victims Unit series. I've come to the conclusion I like the SVU cast the best but Lennie Driscoe is the funniest character. Do you watch? Who do you like? It's a lot of fun to watch the really old episodes some haven't aged so well and some are scary ahead of their time. I remember the first time I ever watched an episode. It was first year of uni and my one roommate was having a crisis of what to do when I grow up? After hours of Law and Order he picked Law. I was hooked by then and always fondly remember sitting on the couches at the LSM house eating lunch and watching the show.

2. Is there some law that cold remedies have to taste awful? Seriously they all taste horrible, Buckley's is the worst but at least they are honest about it, the others aren't much better. Even neo citran doesn't taste great, I mean who thought sick people would like hot lemonade flavoured remedies. It's funny because I try to only take remedies at bedtime to help me sleep during the day I self treat with peppermint tea, a spoonful of honey, hot baths, lots of oranges and juice...none of which taste bad and seem to work almost as well. What do you rely on when your sick?

3. More thoughts on wanting what you can't or don't have? Why is it so hard to let go of things. I could save a lot in rent if I could just downsize enough to fit into a 2 bedroom apartment but that would mean letting go of a bunch of stuff. Suddenly I'm reevaluating what I want in the future, do I really need to hang onto a house full of furniture even if I like it. Would my life be better with or without it? Traveling lightly seems a good idea especially considering in 3 years I'll be moving again to who knows where to do my masters. In India I saw how little people truly need to survive and they seemed happy. Yeah you can say they don't know better but really is anyone in North America happier because of their stuff? See I always have lots of questions but no real solutions.

4. Skin hunger...I'd never really heard about this before but this last year I've suffered this. Our society is one that doesn't encourage casual touch between people especially as we become more and more germaphobic. As part of a couple you get used to a certain level of touch in your life, after the death of a spouse I guess you could say you kind of go through a withdrawal period.

5. For the Ladies: I have found the best product ever, I took it with me on my trip and it was amazing. It's a little awkward to share but you need to know about it. It's called the Diva cup and it is a menstrual cup that's reusable. So you never need to buy another tampon or pad again just pay the 20 bucks for this product and you are set for life. It was a lifesaver in places where you can't even flush toilet paper, also it's light to carry and takes up very very little room. I know you're thinking yuck I'd have to wash it, isn't it messy and hard to use. I know you're thinking that cuz I thought that when a good friend told me about this product. I'm here to say it isn't messy, it's easy to use and yes you have to wash it but really it's not gross and if you're in a place where washing it isn't feasible just give it a wipe. Want to know more? Here's a link to the products website: http://www.divacup.com/ I seriously wish I'd heard about this sooner and tried it sooner.

Well these thoughts weren't as light as bubbles but things I've been wanting to share for a while. Enjoy

Drumroll Please....

2010-06-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

Well it's officially the end of my contest and we have a winner! I put all your names in a bowl shook it up and picked one...the winner is....Michelle S. ! Congrats!! Thanks for everyone for stoking my ego and responding; it was fun to see how many read my blog and to hear that everyone would tell me if my breath stinks. LOL Tyb and Adrianna were excited to help prepare the prize, they thoroughly inspected it and deemed it a worthy prize!

Today I helped my sister Natalie and her husband Mark move into their new place and it is a beautiful townhouse. I have a little house envy because it's exactly the kind of place I'd like for myself. I'm really pleased for them :D Also, I'm pleased because I came away with a car load of boxes so I can finish cleaning and the last of the packing around here and then actually get unstuck and list this place.

I had a busy weekend visiting with lots of friends which was great! I'm trying to get out more and being more proactive about reaching out to friends with plans to get together. Today I am really tired so I'm relaxing by watching more episodes from season 3 of the muppet show. I adore the muppets and the muppet show is still the funniest thing. It never seems to get old and I can never decide which is my favorite muppet.

I'm sorry officer

2010-06-04T17:10:00.001-07:00

Today was a good day, yes we said goodbye to my Great Aunt Rena today but she was remembered very fondly and after 92 years you feel like it's okay to say goodbye for now, we'll miss her but since she'd been in care the last 8 years most of those paralyzed with Parkinson's it was more of a celebration of her life than a sad event. It was nice to visit with my cousins, watch their kids play, tease each other fondly and share remembrances.

Also the weather was beautiful today I put the top down on the car and enjoyed the sunshine. This is the type of day I'm glad I have cruise control. The sun was beating down, the tunes were cranked and I was singing along...and thankfully the cruise control was set. I could've driven for hours and it's just too easy to speed on days like this.

Now I'm sitting in the backyard, sipping iced tea lemonade, watching the kids next door play, with some tunes and debating what to do now. I could clean house (blah), work on the crazy quilt I started yesterday, photograph and post some older projects, veg in front of the tv, go to a movie. Just not sure what to do, maybe I'll just sit here and enjoy the weather and be glad it's not my kid throw the temper tantrum next door :D LOL!

Unfortunatly we got news that will keep my dad in the hospital longer. He needs to have surgery and an MRI so he'll be at the UofA for most of this month we think :( A simple dislocated shoulder seems so much more complicated when your arms are your primary form of motion. I was teasing him that he with his one good arm and the guy on the ward with only one good leg should pair up :D LOL He's actually doing pretty good now but he was pretty sick earlier with an infection which caused all sorts of problems. I know my mom is strong but I can see this wearing on her. So please keep them in your prayers. I feel guilty cuz I'm not working I feel I should be at the hospital visiting but seeing Dad there reminds me so much of his accident and brings so many emotions back so I struggle to go and that's not fair to him. I did earn major Grandma points because I took her with me on Wednesday to visit Dad. Sometimes it's such simple things that bring her such joy but they seem so hard to fit into a busy life.

I've been struggling lately really feeling stuck. I haven't got the house listed yet not because of any major reason just my inability to do the last few things and take the last few steps needed. I realized as much as it pains me to be here alone without Armin it's a bit of a safety net too. As long as I'm here I still have that life, this house holds so many memories. As stupid and illogical as it is to say as long as I'm here there's still that feeling he could walk in any minute and that brings me comfort and torments me at the same time. We were so happy here and selling the house means admitting and closing the door on that. I'm really looking forward to school and excited about the possiblities in Regina but first I have to close the door all the way on a major chapter of my adult life. These last few steps are the hardest for me, they're so important and I need to do them but right now I'm a little stuck. There's been a lot of soggy pillow nights since I've been back. Someone rightly said too that it's also post trip readjustment and that also is true.

Part of me wishes I could just pay someone to do all these last things for me and that I could just jump right into the next steps but I can't skip the emotional work either. Add to this the stress of Dad being in the hospital and I've been a bit of a wreck the last few weeks. I'm proud of myself that I'm able to be honest about this and I've asked a friend for some help with some of these last steps giving me that gentle kick I need to get them done, unfortunately we were supposed to do them today but they were postponed due to the funeral being today. I've also been struggling with a resurgence of my labrythitis so I'm mildly dizzy and nauseous all the time which isn't much fun. Thankfully I've dealt with it before so I know it will pass I just need to be patient and this time is much milder.

This was supposed to be an upbeat yeah for the nice weather post and I can't believe it was snowing last weekend and now I'm outside in shorts and turned into a poor pitiful me post. Life is good, there are some bumps in the road but that doesn't mean the journey isn't fun or bad. Today is a good day a sit in the sun and enjoy the weather kind of day...a just breathe and enjoy the moment kind of day...and aren't those the best kind of days. I'm going ignore the housework it'll be there tomorrow and enjoy this first really summery day no matter what. I hope you get out and enjoy the evening as well.

Prize Time

2010-06-01T22:56:00.000-07:00

Aren't you excited? Here it is all finished this evening! I'm a little disappointed that the pieces warped so it doesn't fit quite right back together but all in all it looks pretty good. This was my first and will be my last altered puzzle unless I get paid lots because it's very finicky work and time consuming but I like the quilt effect it ends up with. It was a good way to experiment with new techniques and it pushed me to find ways to keep trying to use the same supplies in different ways. So it was a good experience builder for me.

The star craft supply I used for this project was the Tim Holtz Distress Ink's...wow...they do so much to age and change the appearance of papers. I also got a special book in the mail last week it was my copy of Tim Holtz's book signed to me!!! If you craft I have to say he has some of the most interesting supplies and is one of my top picks when I'm trying to find interesting new products.

I didn't say last post but you have a week to comment to be considered for the draw! Hope you're as excited as I am. I'm going to try to post more of my crafts here on my blog it helps keep me motivated and working on new projects.

Tybalt the flower arranger

2010-06-01T22:36:00.000-07:00

Don't you all wish you had a furry flower arranger like mine? This is my goofy kitty who copies me :D If you click on this picture you can see him tasting his creation.

Soapy Thoughts

2010-05-31T23:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight I relaxed with a bath; part of my new bedtime routine to help me sort out my sleep patterns and I realized that when I move I will lose my favorite possession my superduper bathtub :( I'm still trying to figure out a way to move it but I think alas it will stay with the house. My thoughts tonight were random and as light as soap bubbles and I thought it was time for a bit of laughter.

Thought #1: Another of my great aunts passed away but my main thought tonight was what to wear to the funeral that my cousins hadn't already seen...then I realized that I had seen more of my cousins this last year than the previous 3 combined....but mostly for sad things so then I started trying to plot out happier occasions we could get together for....which mainly boils down to weddings and baby showers....so then I was trying to figure out who would be next for both of those occasions so I could "pressure" them into moving along on that....hehehehehehe....I love an excuse to match-make and it's fun cuz I'm out of the baby race...

Thought #2: Today I was at the dollar store and my friend extolled the benefits of a tongue scrapper to me....this isn't the first time we've had that discussion....now I'm wondering if this was her subtle way of telling me I had bad breath....now I'm sitting here trying to smell my own breath....and cursing the fact that I don't have A here to just ask....and now wondering who to ask those ridiculous and awkward questions to...I mean really which of my friends or family members gets to be the person I ask the "do I look fat?" or "do I have lettuce in my teeth?" or "does my breath stink?" questions too....still trying to decide who the lucky person is but could someone comment on this post and let me know....Does my breath stink??

Thought #3 I just realized that every-time I take a bath my one cat Tybalt climbs into the sink and sits/lays in there while I'm in the tub which is amusing...then I realized he gets out when I get out of the tub....then I realized he's imitating me....OMG funny....OMG is imitation still the sincerest form of flattery when it's your cat imitating you....and does this mean I take too many baths....also is it weird that it doesn't bother me to have the cat sit in the sink while I take a bath?? Comments welcome to this question too

See no deep thoughts tonight just some light laughs and an encouragement to post a comment. All commenters will be entered into a special prize draw...yep that's right...comment on this post and I will give you a chance to win a prize. Why? Because you were willing to read my thoughts and I'm guessing it isn't the first time and I appreciate my quiet following. It's easy to comment just click on the pencil icon under this post and write away. I love hearing other's thoughts too :D The prize isn't quite finished yet but once it is I'll dig out my camera and take some shots of it and post it for you to see.

Keep Smiling!

Ups and Downs

2010-05-18T21:26:00.000-07:00

Well I'm settling back in nicely and well mostly spending my days procrastinating with bouts of packing and painting. I have my courses all lined up for the fall term and got the great news that I will only be doing 3 years to finish my B.Ed in Early Childhood Education. Now I'm beginning to look for a place to rent in Regina and figure out things for moving.

Selling the house is bittersweet but necessary. It sort of mocks me with memories of happier times and it seems that everything decided to break this last year because now the dryer gave out and I'll be replacing it. So now my goal in selling is to make back all that I've had to spend on the dumb house, luckily it's not a race to sell situation so I can set my price and wait for it to sell. Although for a buyer this place is good since I've put a lot of work into it and things have been fixed. However, it's been home for so long it's hard to imagine being somewhere else. The constant chaos is really disturbing the cats and being cats they let you know in kind of gross ways.

I've been catching up on my favorite TV shows and for someone who gave up TV for a couple of years I'm enjoying several shows. Dr. Who is off to another great start for a season, and I love Glee, Big Bang Theory and How I Met your Mother. For some reason I'm really into mystery programs right now Law and Order, Bones, NCIS, bring it on if there's a dead body. I'm eagerly awaiting the next season of True Blood and Tudors. This TV watching has shown me that I like nerdy guys...who do I have crushes on? The new Doctor, Leonard, Will Schuster, Indiana Jones, etc. forget the bad boy this girl likes a guy with brains....although I'm realistic enough to know that these are just actors and I don't have a chance but hey may as well enjoy what you watch.

Sleep seems to be elusive, at least at decent hours but I'm working on it. Hopefully cutting out all caffinated beverages and my no sleep in policy will help. Also I'm not allowed to blog at late night anymore because I become quite the negative nelly. There's so much to be thankful for and I need to focus on that instead of dwelling on small annoyances and at 3am the small annoyances turn into giant mountains of negativity.

Sleep well!

Old Cow Syndrome

2010-05-15T22:51:00.001-07:00

I suffer from Old Cow Syndrome and I'm sure I'm not alone. What is it? Well it's another way of saying the grass is greener on the other side. It's a real struggle, when I was married I envied my single friends their freedom to pick up and go and thought about how it would be nice to be able to go to school and travel if I wanted. Well now I get to live that life and now I'm looking back over the fence thinking of how nice it was on the other side. I mean really how perverse are we as human beings no matter what we have it seems it's hard to be content.

It isn't just marriage, this is the part of us that says you need a new pair of shoes, that keeps us buying new cars, new tech, and new clothes. It is so prevalent that consumer culture is built on it and it's not unique to North America, we just are financially able to take it to all new extremes. I mean the other day I was filling out a survey and listed under hobbies was Shopping. When did shopping become a hobby? I suspect if you looked at my life you might think shopping is one of my hobbies.

How do you fight this tendency? Do we need to? Is it sinful? I have lots of questions but no answers.

Things I want to do

2010-05-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

Right now I want to go dancing, but it's hard to do that alone....sigh....and apparently my friends are all too grown up. I want to know who makes these rules and why I haven't apparently gotten the memo. Other things I miss, getting together with friends on a friday night to just hang out maybe play games but apparently once you've found your s.o. you don't do that anymore. Really?? I remember having a s.o. and hanging out. I miss sending out an email to go to a movie and piling a bunch of people into a car and going, sure beats going alone. I miss going to concerts with a group of people, last concert I went to I took my parents...I know...PATHETIC but at least they were willing to go out...so who's really the pathetic one.

I'm learning how much it sucks to be single in a group of couples. Maybe it's good I'm going away to school cuz right now I just really beginning to resent my friends. It's not their fault apparently they're too grown up for fun activities. At least in Regina I won't expect them to actually do things with me. So what should I do? Well I go to the movies alone, I'm booking tickets to the concerts I'm interested in and screw it if no one goes with me then fine, but dancing is harder but maybe I'll go by myself. I don't care if that means I'm not a grown up being a grown up is no fun.

If I don't do it alone, I'll be doing what I've been doing for the past year sitting home alone, sending out invites that people are too busy or grown up or tired to accept and getting more and more upset about my isolation.

This is a little bitter sounding and maybe that's because I was thinking tonight how much fun it would be to celebrate my birthday (a little late) by getting dressed up, getting a great group of people together and going out for a few drinks and some dancing. Then I realized that I'd be lucky to get a few of my siblings to show up and they kind of have to since they're family (although I know they enjoy going out with me and so that's why they're there) so I decided not to bother. Easier to not bother than be disappointed yet again, I want to see the good in my friends and not be upset with them. They are good people and have stuck by me for a long time and they have big hearts. The hurt I feel is my own and I can't blame them for being busy with their lives and families. I'm sure there were many times Armin and I did the same, it's easy to get busy and there's nothing wrong with wanting to be home with your loved ones. I just remember the fun we used to have but time moves on and I guess that means letting go of some things even if you're not ready for it.

Pollyanna-ist

2010-05-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

Why is it a bad thing to be a Pollyanna? Why is it considered good to complain about things but if you choose to be positive you are considered a freak or accused of being in-genuine?

The truth is that most of the time I do see the good in things. It's raining that's a good thing, why complain about something the earth needs and will pass away if you wait. I trip or stumble well I just choose to laugh about my clumsiness. I deal with a difficult person I try to keep perspective it's one person out of the thousands I interact with each week and I think I don't know why they're negative. Sometimes I do play the "glad game" and search for new ways to think of things that might be considered negative. I figure it's better to look for a bright side then just complain about the negative.

This last year this has been a blessing. No it wasn't good that Armin died but I choose to be positive and I choose to be thankful and look for the blessings that have come to me out of this tragedy and out of our life together. It's important to note that word CHOOSE everyday I have a choice do I wallow in misery or get up and look for the good this new day brings.

This also applies to my faith I could curse God for what has happened or I can choose to praise God for the good that is in my life and for his continued strength and blessings he pours out on me. I was reminded of this in the song "Blessed be your Name" which came on while I was driving home. For worship I'm pretty traditional but I like praise and worship music while I drive. I'm including the lyrics but the phrase that resonated with me tonight was "you give and take away and still I choose to say blessed be your name". It inspired me to encourage you to look for the positive and see the blessings to CHOOSE to be different. Join me and the other Pollyanna's we're not being fake- we are happy and we do see things differently and it's a good place to be. Make Monday your glad day and choose positivity, it's contagious, you'll see.

Blessed Be Your Name

 In the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing

You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in,

Lord Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

 Blessed be Your name

 Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be'

 Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

 You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

Scotland, Warwick Castle, Stratford on Avon and Oxford

2010-05-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

Settling Back In

2010-05-06T15:06:00.001-07:00

Well the worst of the Jet Lag is behind me and I've been busy settling back in. It's strange but suddenly my life feels like it fits. I'm officially enrolled at the University of Regina and once I talk to my academic advisor I'll have my courses lined up. I've been checking for places to rent in Regina, getting the house organized and cleaned for sale, and all the other things you need to do when you've been gone for 3 months. I've spent time with friends and family with lots more planned in the weeks ahead. It's nice to be home!

If you want to see my photos and have tea with me someday just let me know, you'll be glad to hear that out of 3000 photos my photo slideshow is only 300 pictures long. Of course if you want to see the rest of the shots I'm happy to oblige just book a day off to come over. :D

The cats survived well without me and have now forgiven me for going away. How did I know I was forgiven? They joined me in the shower looking for attention. I think I have the only cats in the world that don't mind getting wet and will come into the shower if you forget to close the door tight. WEIRDOS!!

While traveling was great and I'm still processing all the things I've seen and done; it is fabulous to be home. Even if it's just home for 3 more months. August is moving month and then I start school Sept 8th. I'm debating about going for orientation on the 7th. I'm hopeful I don't have to take Math 100 but there's still a chance I'll have to :( it's not that I suck at math but it's been a LONG time since I did any higher level math.

Like I said I feel much more optimistic about the future and like I have the strength to move forward. It's strange to feel so much energy after dragging butt for over a year. I guess even when I thought I was doing good I was still moving pretty slowly. I feel bad for how much I let slide and how many people I let down over the last year. I also have made some decisions that weren't the best and tried to rush when I needed to just be still. Looking back at the last year I realized how crazy I really was and how impaired my judgement was. I'm so grateful for my friends and family sticking by me and for telling me the truth when I needed to hear it and for being patient and quietly supporting me until my whims changed. It's nice to feel like sanity is slowly returning (although some people may say I've never been completely sane :P)

Home Home on the Plains

2010-05-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

Well I did it I circled the entire globe and made it safely home. I'm tired today but satisfied. There's nothing quite like getting home after being away and after so long it was very wonderful to be home and in my own bed. It was awesome to be greeted by my family with lots of hugs and a chance to visit and begin to catch up. Today I tackled the pile of mail and began to get things under control. I'm already seeing the benefits of my trip, things that would have overwhelmed me to find or catch up on or I would have avoided I'm tackling with ease and feeling like I'm in control of my life. I have to catch up on some things that I've been avoiding but I have a plan now and I'm moving forward. I needed to get away and grow up.

It's strange I always thought I was a strong independent woman but I'm realizing that I relied on Armin for a lot of support and to take care of things. There was a lot of fear for me in facing life doing it alone but now I know I can handle it. I tackled the pyramids, went on a jungle hike, I've been to the Taj Mahal, searched for Nessie in Scotland and so I've proven to myself that i can be a strong independent woman.

I'll post my Scotland pics and share my adventures soon I'm pretty tired today but just wanted to share my happiness at being home and my excitement for the future.

Reasons I Love London

2010-04-13T12:49:00.001-07:00

1. They speak a form of English
2. You are not allowed to intimidate or make insulting comments to a woman alone
3. I don't need a headscarf to try to blend in
4. No one cares what length my skirt is
5. Tea mmmm tea with scones and clotted cream and jam mmmmm
6. Shopping!!
7. Entertainment-movies, theatre,
8. The food isn't too weird (aka testicles never show up on the menu)
9. The metro means I can easily get anywhere
10. It isn't too poluted
11. It isn't painfully hot
12. No Geckos
13. I don't need a man to walk down the street
14. No one has asked me where my husband is
15. Marks and Spencer
16. Cheap Internet
17. I can be anonymous if I want
18. Children don't act scared or me or stare at me like I have two heads
19. No one has asked me for my photo
20. When asked and I say from Canada not one person mentions Canada Dry
21. It's the last stop before going home
22. Haven't been propesitioned once
23. No random marriage proposals
24. I can go outside at night
25. The government isn't obviously monitoring my internet use
26. There aren't armed soldiers outside every hotel and on every street corner

So you can guess the last few days in Cairo were difficult on me. It isn't easy being a woman alone in a muslim country. It was muted during the tour because there was a group of us but by the end of my time in Cairo I just gave up on going out of the hotel. I got leered at enough and strange questions just in the hotel. So I'm very glad to be once again back in London, although I'm pretty much ready to head for home. Today at heathrow I saw the Air Canada planes and found myself wishing I was getting on one of them and heading home.

That being said I am excited to be here I've got tickets for some shows and I'm booking a tour into the countryside. It will be good and I'm excited to see Scotland probably the place I've read more about than anywhere else. I have a weakness for Harlequin Romances set in the highlands...you know the ones with the buff guy in a kilt on the front (LOL)... usually with a big (cough) sword....(shoot mom when you read this please disregard the double entendre)...I'm pretty sure there won't be any fabio types running around but it'll still be nice to see the countryside where so much history took place and that has been described so picturesquely in so many books I've read.

I'm sad to report that I will be sending yet another package home....which is proof that I shop too much....I mean Egypt had nothing except tacky souviners and I still have stuff to mail home. It's all the carpet guys fault. Yup I bought a carpet...not a big one but still a carpet. It's a hand knotted silk/wool blend...very pretty and not a single camel on it....very hard to find things without a camel on it.

Well I'm getting silly partly because I was up at 5am for my flight this morning and partly because I went to a movie and so haven't had supper yet. I'll post more later but mostly just had to say I'm glad to be in London but sorry it isn't home.

Egypt Photos

2010-04-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/sredir?uname=strohhaeckers&target=ALBUM&id=5457727636881063297&authkey=Gv1sRgCMra5af0ubOAjAE&feat=email

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/sredir?uname=strohhaeckers&target=ALBUM&id=5457812529512020801&authkey=Gv1sRgCI7B1oL238jpJQ&feat=email

Here they are the links to the long anticipated and stupidly slow to upload egypt pictures. Once again due to my patience being worn thin there are no captions or comments. You'll just have to wait and see me in person for my commentary, trust me it's probably better that way anyways.

Well I'm done in this one task took me all bloody day yep that's right all day with a frustration break to watch some tv and calm down. Oh well it's done now. Please enjoy!

Wow that went fast

2010-04-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

Well I'm mostly done my Egypt tour, the rest of my group has gone home I have a few too many extra days that I'm trying to fill here in Cairo. The tour was amazing! I so enjoyed the valley of the kings visit and I got to go into several tombs with pretty amazing art work. It is very very hot in the valley of the kings and the tombs are even hotter so it's a bit like going to the sauna with your clothes on. It was totally worth it though! I've seen so many ancient temples with Philae and Karnak being amongst the best. I've learned so much about Egyptian history and art. The best accommodation we had was on a nile cruise boat for several days we drifted down the nile on our boat stopping to see important sights and then reboarding. I greatly enjoyed sitting by my cabin window with my feet up watching Egypt life go by. It was very hot in Southern Egypt but without humidity so I survived pretty well. In Cairo it's quite a bit cooler so now I'm very happy.

To fill the time I've booked a private tour to two important sites for pyramid development in Egypt so I'll be going to Dashour and Saqqara with just me, a guide and a driver. Which should be a cool experiance. I'm also going to revisit the egyptian museum and prowl around the artifacts some more. Other than that and a visit to the coptic museum I'm not sure what else to do with all my free time but my hotel has 2 pools, sattelite tv, 4 restraunts and shopping so I'm pretty set.

It was weird being away over Easter especially since I could picture my family being all together and knowing I was missing that. I also found it weird to have such hot weather for Easter. One on my tour mates made the observation that this was probably closer to what the weather would have been like for the first Easter and that made me realize what a special opportunity this was. There were no easter chocolates or ham but it was still Easter.

The food here is excellent with felafal being my favorite food followed by tanjine. Culturally the men are very big flirts but for the most part know where the lines are and don't cross them. I'm a big hit though with my blonde hair turning lots of heads. I'm actually glad when we tour mosques since I have to cover my head. Modest dress and demenor help greatly as well. Also all of Egypt seems to be in love with Canadians. Although they all think it's very funny to announce "Canada Dry Never Die" which I don't totally get but they laugh uproariously. One guy even hummed the Hockey Night in Canada theme song which cracked me up.

The markets are lots of fun with fast and furious bargaining and lots of calls of please don't break my heart beautiful buy my _______. Needless to say I've broken lots of hearts. Still don't know how many camels I'm worth but my bargaining skills have won me a few proposals. The egyptian people are very baffled by my travelling alone and not afraid to ask questions. Which is somewhat ackward but I've learned they're just curious.

I'm glad I've visited Egypt and can't wait to share my photos with you all. It's a very beautiful country. I'm feeling much more like my old self and it's been nice to be with people who just know Megan. I was afraid I didn't know how to just be Megan since I'd been Megan&Armin so long but she's here and having a great time. I've also proven to myself how much stronger I am that I thought and that if I can tackle this trip around the world alone I can face anything....even moving to Regina. I'm actually beginning to get excited for school although I know I'll be putting a lot of miles on my mustang visiting home. I got my official letter from the UofR so I'm officially starting in the fall! Now to figure out a way to sign it for them :D since they want it back before I'm home.

Well it's supper time here in Cairo so I'm going to finish up here on the computer for today but since I had to pay a ridiculous amount for a ridiculous amount of time I'll be able to post my photos tomorrow I hope.

Happy Easter! He is Risen! He is Risen Indeed! what a wonderful promise and gift we have in those few words.

Life along the Nile

2010-03-31T06:00:00.000-07:00

Well I'm into my tour of Egypt, yesterday was spent at the pyramids, in the pyramids (yep that's right I went in) and by the sphinx. I also toured the Egyptian Museum and went into the mummy room. So I feel like I'm really here. Actually it was pretty amazing to see items produced so long ago and that have survived so long. The engineering and artistic feats of the egyptian pharohs and people are awe inspiring. However, the best thing I've seen so far was Alexandria. The meditranean is beautiful, the weather was amazing and the town was so beautiful. It also has the most amazing library :D I could live in that library. They are also doing some amazing things with digital collections and trying very hard to create free access to their collection through the world wide web. I was in rapture the whole time we were touring. I think I've found my true calling to work with libraries :D now to just get the school work done so I can get down to it.

It's pretty warm here in Aswan but I've been assured this is the hottest part of our tour :D so I should survive. Actually it's been really nice, there is almost always a breeze coming off the nile and we do most of our sightseeing before noon, then we have free afternoon time before supper. Our tour leader is very nice, she's from here in Aswan and is very knowledgeable about egptian history and culture which is the best part of these GAP tours I've been taking. The group is very multinational, we have 2 from china who live in London, 2 brits who are just back in the EU after years teaching in Singapore, a frenchmen and columbian who live in New york, a norwegian couple and a family from Minnesota (I think that's right) so it's a pretty amazing group to chat with and learn from. Because everyone else had a partner I get a room to myself and I'm not complaining. This is also a luxury tour so I'm really not complaining :D

Despite my efforts to keep sunscreen on and carry an umbrella I'm getting quite the tan. I've also been enjoying the local cuisine and tonight we're going to a nubian village for supper after we sail there up the nile on a fellucca. So exciting things are ahead, unfortunatly internet is spotty here and time to access it is slim so I'll update when I can but if you don't here from me know I'm having a blast here and I'll have lots of pictures to share when I get to London.

Oh yeah the cats are awesome here I'll be lucky if I don't come home with like a 100 cats in tow :D they're everywhere!!!

My Home away from Home

2010-03-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

Well I did't post much in London and I didn't take many pictures, why? Mostly because I was just enjoying being "home". It's strange out of everywhere I've been no place feels like it fits better than London. If it wasn't so expensive to live there I'd probably consider the move and I'd make all of you come visit me :D there. It truly is one of my favorite places to be. I never feel lost or confused there just at home. I toured the most random and fabulous museum the Victoria and Albert museum, you jump from room with statues into a room filled with jewelry into a textile wing back into stained glass. I also toured the fashion exhibit filled with clothes and shoes and the drama/theatre exhibit. It was amazing and all free!!

Besides some very minor sightseeing I mostly just relaxed, did some shopping, visited with a friend from Canada who has moved to London (lucky her) and packed my stuff to mail and for egypt. I also have made arrangements for my last three weeks in the UK before I come home. I'll spend some time in London then take the train to Edinburgh, from Edinburgh I'll arrange day trips out to see the sights of Scotland, then back for 3 days in London before flying home. :-D I'm looking forward to this part of my trip.

First though I have Egypt to see, I flew all day yesterday and spent a lot of time in the Cairo airport before arriving in Sharm El Sheik and then I was driven an hour to the small resort I'm staying at outside of the village or Dahab. Now I know I said I was going to be on the meditranean but apparently geography is not a strong suit of mine :D I'm actually on the Red/Arabian Sea LOL I am very near Mount Sinai I had that part right. Actually there's a spectacular coral reef here so tomorrow I will try my hand at snorkelling. Today I did a grand total of nothing, slept in, had a late breakfast, laid in the shade reading a book, gave myself a manicure/pedicure and now I'm doing my blogging. Not exciting but that's the purpose of this Dahab visit. I'm here for 3 full days and I'm going to take it pretty easy. The compound I'm in has 3 pools and the "beach" area, they all have bars and there's even a swim up bar at the adult pool. There are a lot of Europeans here so the teeney tiny bikini's are interesting but the speedos on old gentlemen are disturbing. Actually since I packed with a muselim country in mind I feel very amish. LOL although compared to the egyptian women I've seen I'm scantily dressed.

Egyptian men are very forward, I've been "admired", proposed to and propisition which is very strange to me but mostly I've taken it as compliments. The driver who asked for a kiss for a tip was my funniest I told him I'd given up kissing, he asked why and then when I said it was because I was widowed he turned red and appologized for offending me. I wasn't offended just wasn't going to kiss him but oh well it was amusing. Actually I feel like it's more of something they feel like they have to do and if you ignore it or laugh it off they stop and you can get on to business.

All this time spent alone has given me lots of time to think and I've realized except for a little in Paris I haven't felt lonely. I actually like spending time alone and touring alone is kind of nice, you can go where you want when you want. I like eating alone because then I can read my book and not be rude. I also in London can chat with people around me when I feel like company which is nice too. I've met so many interesting people because they ask me about my ebook reader at a restraunt, cafe, bus stop, plane and then we start chatting.

I think I was trying to rush things when I said I was ready to date, I think I felt that whole OMG I'm single and 30 thing on top of never really having been single and freaked out and felt like I needed to be looking at the very least. The one thing I've learned this trip is I'm okay being on my own and that I'm okay to let God lead on when and who to date. My attempts have only muddied the waters and made life harder. I'm going to let myself be single and enjoy it. Also I'm already plotting my next trip(s) EVIL GRIN anyone interested in Israel in May next year? How about joining me on the Book Bus volunteer opportunity I've found? I'd love to do Israel next May when I've finished classes for the summer so if someone would like to join me for a two week tour just let me know.

Salaam

Pictures from London and Paris

2010-03-18T04:08:00.000-07:00

http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/lh/sredir?uname=strohhaeckers&target=ALBUM&id=5449927038277469521&authkey=Gv1sRgCMGJupmEnpbE9gE&feat=email

Well there aren't many of them but here's my current photos of the last week or so. This means that I am up to date on my photos!!! Big happy dance. Could someone in my family make sure Grandma sees some of my photos too?

Laundry should almost be done wow I love laundry service. I could have sat there and done it myself for 5£ and two hours or I could pay the lady 10£ and go do other stuff. :D brilliant.

I went and saw Alice in Wonderland last night....WOW...brilliant. I'm so glad I went and saw it and reallly enjoyed it. I also ate at an awesome Mexican restraunt so all in all it was a great evening. Now just to figure out the radiator in my room so that it becomes less sauna like and my life would be perfect.

Going to figure out some plans for the next few days but will probably visit the V&A museum this afternoon. Tomorrow I'm meeting up with a fellow Cannuck to get into some trouble. Then I think Saturday I'll book a bus tour of Shakespeare country and tour the birthplace of Shakespeare, Oxford university and his wife's home. I really enjoyed the last tour I took.

Well I have run out of things to say and time to say it in, so stay tuned till next time.

Southern India Pictures

2010-03-18T04:01:00.001-07:00

http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/lh/sredir?uname=strohhaeckers&target=ALBUM&id=5449918769232128961&authkey=Gv1sRgCK_OqM6DuKnNZg&feat=email

Paris

2010-03-18T03:20:00.000-07:00

Well I'm back in London but I need to catch you all up on my time in Paris. I took the Eurostar to Paris and back and have to say that it is an amazing way to travel very relaxing, easy to do and quick. Much nicer than flying. I got into Paris fairly easily figured out which metro station and train I needed to get to my hotel and actually got there fairly easily. My hotel was really a pleasant suprise. My single room had a king size bed, a mini fridge and a nice bathroom much better than I expected. I also had free wifi access which was nice but only had my ipod to use with it so it was a pain for typing long things.

I was really enjoying just wandering around Paris. I went to the Louvre to see the special exhibit of Russian Orthodox art and artifacts which was stunning. I went to the Musee de Orsay and have to say if you don't have much time and want to see some beautiful art while in Paris go here rather than the louvre, it is much smaller so you can actually see everything in an afternoon and it is just as stunning and has equally famous paintings. I also spent a day just wandering from store to store starting in Montmatre and ending down by the river, it was really nice and good map reading practice for me.

Then I went to Disneyland Paris, BIG MISTAKE, going alone to a disney park was horrible. I got sick on the first and only ride I tried to ride (it was a very tame ride so I was embaressed too) and I just felt miserable and alone. I ended up with a migraine I think from trying not to cry. I ended up going back to my hotel tired, upset, sick and miserable to curl up with my stuffed penguin for a good cry. For some reason being surrounded by happy families and couples really bothered me, perhaps being that this month is one year from losing Armin. Perhaps it was the reminders of what I lost, perhaps it was just a bad day. For whatever reason it was a disaster of a day but I did find some quirky gifts for my brother in laws and I got a set of tigger ears.

The last day in Paris I slept in due to the headache and then got up and due to their being no more room in my luggage decided not to revisit some of the awesome places in Montmatre :D so I stayed in the neighborhood I was staying in a ways out of the centre of Paris and I went for a long walk. I really enjoyed seeing regular people doing regular things and it really cheered me up. I also enjoyed one last crepe and cider at my favorite little cafe.

Have to say I love Paris but I hate feeling so isolated, my french isn't up to conversation level so I don't understand what's going on around me and can't strike up a conversation with people around me. That was really hard. For a while it was okay but after a while it wears on you.

So that was Paris the good and the bad.

bonjour

2010-03-12T07:23:00.000-08:00

warning this post will have no punctuation and typing errors because this blasted french keyboard has all the keys in the wrong places and no apparent shift key

so im back in france and its lovely the weather is cool but pleasant the hotel im in is sooo me very funky but nice i love it

having some trouble speaking french it keeps getting garbled with German
which confuses everyone

been sampling the wine unfortanetly i have no idea how much a centilitre is so ive been going to bed a little tipsy the past few nights ooops due to ordering too much wine with my dinner thankfully tipsy seems to help my french improve so perhaps i should drink more [sarcasm]

i visited the louvre today and did some shopping at an amazing craft store bought way too much ribbon

tomorrow is monmatre shopping and a visit to musee orlay

sunday im going to the gregorian mass at notre dame cathedral

then monday and tuesday if i need a second day i will be disney park bound

that will bring me back to london on wednesday

well ive got to go before i throw this keyboard across the room in frustration, i may not update this again until i am in london unless i find another keyboard

Pictures from Nothern India

2010-03-08T05:05:00.000-08:00

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/sredir?uname=strohhaeckers&target=ALBUM&id=5446223776337319105&authkey=Gv1sRgCL6r0KWWodHftAE&feat=email

Goodbye India Hello London

2010-03-08T03:49:00.000-08:00

Well I'm now in cheery old England and so glad to be here. It's cool spring time weather here (THANK GOD) and I'm feeling much more like myself. I arrived last night after flying here through Dubai. Didn't see much of Dubai but I was so excited to have a burger at the Burger King in the airport....beef never tasted so good. Tonight I'm totally going to find some place that serves either steak or roast beef. It's still novel to be able to drink tap water and brush my teeth without bottled water. I'm looking forward to salad with fresh veggies for lunch. I mailed 18kg of stuff home to my parents which includes lots of fabric from India so now I'm back to travelling light which is a relief. I've also dropped all my stinky clothes off at least the ones that survived India some of my clothes just didn't stand up to the extreme heat and the beat on a rock laundry techniques used in India so they didn't move on. Today's agenda is to resupply my clothing and toiletries and pick up my laundry after I get my photos uploaded. Tomorrow I've booked myself onto a bus tour of Stonehedge, Windsor Castle and Bath including pub and tea stops :-D it sounds very nice and they pick me up right at my hotel. Then Wednesday I board the Eurostar and go on to Paris for my week there. I have to admit I am enjoying and feel more at home in Europe than I did in India. It's nice to blend in and be annonymous somewhat. I also love my little tiny hotel room, I'm in Kensington Gardens which is right by Notting Hill and Hyde Park area. Also near Kensington Palace where Princess Diana lived for you royal watchers. Well not much exciting news or anything just a quiet catching up type day. Working on getting photos uploaded while I'm typing this but it's slow going and there are a lot of them so it might be a 3 post kind of day.

Revenge of the Geckos

2010-03-08T03:43:00.000-08:00

Okay so I totally forgot to address the subject of my last posts title. In southern india Geckos are everywhere and tolerated (perhaps encouraged) to come indoors because they eat bugs. However, I DO NOT LIKE GECKOS!!!! In fact they creep me out. However after two weeks of geckoey goodness I have reached the point where I no longer scream and I even shared my shower with a gecko (ewwww) but I still move my bed away from the wall because Merriette assures me they can't jump. I draw the line at sleeping with a gecko. I don't know why they bother me so much but they really do creep me out especially indoors. I can appreciate that they are helpful in getting rid of bugs but so are screen doors and windows....something no one here seems to have. Sigh so geckos are my new friends even if I don't want them to be. It's okay you can laugh at me, I can handle it. Everyone else on the tour already laughed at me for this especially the evening I was sitting on my bed while Merriette was showering a Gecko ran full tilt down the wall scaring the crap out of me so I girlie screamed....Merriette nearly drowned laughing at me when she established I wasn't in immediate danger. Oh well could have been worse one of our tour mates opened the door to their room at our homestay to find a snake....thankfully not a poisoness snake but still a snake. Suddenly Geckos don't sound so bad.

Attack of the Geckos

2010-03-06T04:45:00.000-08:00

Wow these two weeks have flown by I'm now just minutes from the airport in Kochi in a hotel for tonight before I fly to London tomorrow. By this time tomorrow I'll be in a heavenly cooler place. I have loved Southern India except the heat.

Mamallaporum was great, I skipped the bike riding and instead walked around town and to the beach, swam in the hotel pool and joy of joys got my clean clothes back. The next day we went to Pondicherry the town with the most french influence in India where we got baked goods :D mmmm chocolate croissants. We also saw the salt flats. We spent the night in Madurai where we toured the Ghandi museum (amazing I was moved to tears), the banana and vegetable markets, the handloom "factories" and yet another temple by bicycle rickshaw. I'm not enjoying the southern temples after seeing such grand stuff in the North but to the temples we go. The best part is the temple elephants who will bless you for 5 rupees...blessing means they put their trunk on your head and snuffle....hehehehehe people pay 5 rupees to be an elephant kleenex....I shouldn't make fun of their beliefs but it is kind of funny.

We went to Trichy where we saw yet another temple on our way into the mountains to Peyirer. Peyirer reminded me of Banff in a lot of ways very touristy but nice in a beautiful setting. We did a 3 hour jungle "walk" aka the death march in the morning looking for animals.....14 people don't move quietly enough to see much animal life so it was pretty but kind of boring. Then I had the best experiance I RODE AN ELEPHANT!!!!!! It was awesome her name was Lakshmi and we went for a 20 minute ride through a spice garden she was pretty and it was so cool to be on an elephant. I have pictures of this to prove I did it! Then we went to a real showpiece of a spice garden where I saw spices and fruits and flowers growing I'd only seen in grocery markets or exotic boutiques back home. I learned a lot and after that we went to a families home for a cooking lesson which was really fun and I learned even more about Indian cooking here in the south.

Then we went into the backwaters of Kerala to a small small town where we did a homestay. It was wonderful the family was amazing, we had a great local guide to talk to us about life in the backwaters, politics, and rice growing. We canoed and sang local songs as we went along. This morning we sailed up the backwaters to our bus and then arrived in Kochi to finish our tour. Lots of sad goodbyes again today the hardest being goodbye to my wonderful roommate Merriette. She's put up with me for the past month and we made an excellent team here in India. The people I've been meeting have all been amazing, these tours have been great filled with amazing people who come from interesting places. I have a whole list of things to see while in London from all the british people on this last leg of the tour which will keep me busy while there.

Of course the shopping has continued and tonights task is to try and stuff everything in and condense it somehow to get on the plane. :P but then in London I'll be shipping a bunch of it off to my Mom's place to await me there.

Well I'll have more internet time in London but I'm hungry and supper calls. One last curry before leaving :D

Catching Up

2010-02-27T00:34:00.001-08:00

Well since my last post I've recovered quite nicely from the stomach upset and while I still miss my friends and family I'm going to keep going on my adventures. I took a night train from Kochi to Bengalore and then a 4 hour drive with a personal driver to Mysore to be reunited with my tour group. Apparently I hadn't missed much, the tea plantation was pretty but that's all, lots of driving, the animal reserve was interesting but they didn't see much wildlife unless you counted the mice running around the cabins. So now I'm feeling better that I didn't miss the best things ever. The night train was an experiance, I wasn't in the cushy 3rd class that we've travelled the other times on the trains I was in the next step down, 2nd class which is still reserved seating but not AC'd the windows don't really close and I could smell the bathroom from 30 meters away so I didnt' even try to use it. No pillows or blankets either and 3 bunks to each side, I spent my night using my purse and penguin as a pillow hugging my backpack in my bottom cave of a bunk. It wasn't all bad I was sharing my compartment with 2 older couples and 2 women travelling with a small boy. They were very friendly and helpful to this slightly overwhelmed traveller although I'm sure they went home and had a good laugh about me not knowing how to work the windows or fold the seats into beds.

Mysore was well worth the travel to get to although the monuments in teh south are mostly from the british era so not that old compared to the north but the scenery is beautiful along the way. The south also appears to be more prosperous than the north and the people are very friendly and I don't feel like they're just being friendly to get money out of me. We went to a silk factory in Mysore and got a badge from the security guards that allowed us to wander the whole factory, the workers were so proud to show us the machines they ran and the jobs they did while trying out their english on us. The one guy let us know his friend liked me but was too shy to talk to me :P it was pretty funny. The silk was beautiful so of course I bought some, I also bought some cotton sarees meaning I now need another suitcase and soon. Fabric is super cheap here and super beautiful so I'll be working on projects for my home and me for ages to come. The silk saree I bought and then bought matching plain rose silk and I think I'll find a dressmaker at home to make me a beautiful dress out of it.

We then took a much cushier night train from Mysore to Chennai on the opposite coast of India then this morning we drove from Chennai to this small beach town. Tomorrow we'll be touring the town by bicycle in the morning. Today's highlight was that since we're here two days we could send our clothes to be washed...both Merriette and I were getting desperate for that service...so that's our big excitement. After using the internet we'll probably wander the local shops around the hotel. Tonight we'll be taking in the festivities since there's a big local festival happening here where all the Hindu's come to this town once a year to worship and bathe in the ocean. Apparently it's a big party and we're very lucky to be here at this time of year.

Today's lowlight was the visit to the herpetology centre aka snakes, crocodiles, alligators and turtles....not my favorite stop ever. The snake part was horrible with the snake guy making poisoness snakes angry and then dancing out of the way at the last minute all while telling us how many hours we'd have to live if we'd been bit. I also really didn't need to know how many types of snakes live here in india and how many were poisoness....so now in addition to our monkey plan, cockroach plan and mouse plan Merriette and I are working on a snake plan. Most of these emergency plans are more amusing then effective we think but at least we're prepared for anything. LOL

Well I should go actually enjoy some sightseeing and get some sand for my Mom from the local beach (see Mom I remembered)

Homesick

2010-02-24T02:59:00.000-08:00

Well so much has happened since Agra. We went on to a small village called Orccha where we did almost nothing but relax and it was perfect. Then we went to Khurajuro where there are Jain temples, these are the same temples carved with the Karma Sutra. Very beautiful statuary work there and we stayed in a beautiful hotel. I also spent a good couple hours buying jewelry from a very nice jewlery designer, we sat and had tea together while we bargained and then he showed me his very innovative designs and his diamond collection while they sized the jewelry I bought. By the end I felt like we were family :D Then onto the holiest city in India Varanasi, this is where you go to be cremated and put into the river Ganges. It was beautiful but also disturbing....if you are under 3 years of age, a pregnant woman, a leper or have been bit by a cobra you can't be cremated first...sadly this means the river is disgusting. Then it was back to dehli to say good bye to my tour group and my roommate merriette and I went on to join our second tour. We arrived in Kochi I got off the plane and promptly wanted to run away. HOT HOT HOT and HUMID HUMID HUMID my two least favorite things in the world. Our transfer from the airport went a little awry but eventually we were picked up and delivered to our hotel. We started meeting our group that evening and this group seems to be good too. The next day we went sightseeing for the morning and then took it easy in the afternoon. Supper was eaten on the banks of the ocean at a beautiful restraunt after a fabulous folk dance demonstration. The next morning we were supposed to drive 7 hours into the hill country. However I awoke horribly ill with what is mildly called travellers diharea....I knew I couldn't get on a bus for 7 hours so I remained behind while the group went on. Today I am feeling better slowly adding bland food to my water diet and getting on a sleeper train to rejoin the group. I'm a little nervous about travelling alone but thankfully on our last tour we took a night train so I have an idea about what to expect. I've also been horribly homesick while dealing with this stomach upset and being on my own hasn't helped. Why is it you travel half way around the world only to discover that what you want most is home?

I'm asking for some prayers to help me feel better both emotionally and physically. Also I got news my sister is back in the hospital and it sucks to be so far away and unable to be there helping her through her own struggles. So pray for her as well since that's all the aid I can offer her. Still haven't had a chance to upload pictures, India has lots of internet access but not much upload capacity so it may be London before you get to see some of my pictures.

Thankfully I've only missed two days of touring with the group and will be reunited with my fabulous roommate Merriette again. We've been together 2 and a bit weeks now and I've enjoyed every minute of it. She even left me with medication to help me feel better.

Fun story this morning I went to use my washroom and I don't know who was more scared me or the cockroach on my bathroom floor. I quickly retreated to formulate a cockroach control plan....this was a three step process

1. put on shoes with heavy soles
2. find bug spray
3. proceed to stomp into the bathroom madly spraying bug spray

in the meantime the cockroach had retreated probably down the shower drain and I know have a bathroom that still hours later smells like bug spray. Thankfully this is the first cockroach I've seen all trip and hopefully the last but at least I now have a plan.

Namaste from Agra

2010-02-13T05:03:00.000-08:00

Well I've been in India for a week now and I have to say I love it. It's true it's dirty, poverty is everywhere and it's very very crowded but there is an underlying beauty that is undeniable. I've toured many beautiful monuments including the taj mahal, agra fort and amber fort. I've seen Dehli, Jaipur and Agra and also spent a night in a little village. I stand out horribly and get stared at everywhere I go, in the village I also scared the children. I've taken what feels like a million photos, and seen a zillion cows. It's sureal to be here and time doesn't seem to flow the same way here. One week feels like months have passed and I've found a lot of peace and healing here. This trip really is the best thing for helping me heal and I finally feel I've found some sense of being centred in myself while here. With everything I've already seen and experienced I can't believe I have another 3 weeks ahead of me. Tomorrow we go by train to Ochchaw (sp?) and then on to Varanasee the holy city. The tour group I'm with is a great group my roommate and I are the youngest two and the group ranges up into their 60s which makes for some very interesting supper conversation. Our tour guide is excellent, and very funny and very very over protective of us...it's hilarious he hates when we wander off or want to do our own things but he lets us. When I totally overpaided for a book he was personally offended on my behalf but it was totally my fault for not bargaining better. My roommate is from Australia and we're the only two doing the month long tour, she's awesome and we get along great and already have a few in jokes between us. I'm getting a little tired of curry twice a day but the food is excellent and so far no sign of stomach problems. The weather has been mostly warm and humid but with a breeze so even in the direct sun it isn't bad. The flowers are just starting to bloom and everything is green. Animals wander everywhere even in the cities so I've seen...elephants, camels, cows, pigs, goats, sheep, chickens, dogs, squirrel thingies, horses, monkeys several types and more birds than I can name. For an animal lover it's been quite amazing.

Well I'm off to try some more bargaining I did well on my fabric purchases earlier so hopefully I'm improving. I'll try to upload pictures next time but some of these computers look older than me so no guarantees.

Safely Arrived

2010-02-06T22:20:00.001-08:00

Well I'm safely arrived in Dehli. For the most part the flights were long but boring, however due to all the time shifting lack of sleep and turbulence from Hong Kong to Dehli was torturous I was pretty sick but once on solid ground I felt much better. The taxi ride from the airport to the hotel was amazing, traffic here is unbelievable, no one drives within any lines, follows the speed limits or uses seat belts. It was like the best amusement park ride ever! I loved every minute of it, unfortunately it was dark still so I didn't see much on my ride but it was fun. The hotel is very nice, plain but good service and clean. I've already met a few people from my tour, but not my roommate yet. I'm really proud of myself I've even gone out into the neighborhood here alone and while I stick out (can you say white) and I don't speak Hindi most people speak English. There is a fantastic looking fruit booth just on the corner so this afternoon I may go purchase a few pieces of fruit to nibble on. Most of my time has been spent sleeping so I'm ready for my tour to begin tonight. These were the few days I was most scared of being on my own and it's been easy. My pack weighs 30lbs and I feel like I overpacked but the one lady I talked to said it sounded like I was good and if I buy too much just buy a cheap suitcase that's what she always does. :D I love permission to shop!!
So far the sounds of Dehli I will remember are horns blaring, dogs barking, and fast spoken hindi swirling around me. I have tasted amazing food spicy and savory all at the same time. Dehli is much cleaner than I expected, dusty but that's a small thing. It's been around 25 degrees so the heat is tolerable the humidity is a little high but still tolerable as well. Glad I brought long skirts they will be much nicer than pants I think.

Well I should go and enjoy some more time in Dehli meet new people and have fun!

Packing List

2010-02-02T16:24:00.000-08:00

I'm all packed except my toothbrush and some of my paper documents that I need to print off and it all fit in the one backpack and my purse. Whew and there's room for expansion (ie shopping) while I'm gone. I do plan on shipping stuff home occasionally and I know if I need I can buy a cheap suitcase in Europe because on the way home I'm allowed 2 checked bags but I figure the less I start out with the better. I'm really trying to travel light but prepared for any actuality. I think I've found a good balance and it helps to start with a great travel backpack from MEC. My month long trip and experiences in Europe last winter really helped me with this too. I also am super organized thanks to Kathryn's help and lots of pencil cases of different types to hold and organize things within my pack.

For those wondering what I packed here's the rough list:

Clothes

Underwear

Shirts

T-shirts

Socks

Trousers ( Pants, Jeans )

Sweater

Bra

Skirts

Shoes

Sandals ( Flip-flops )

Swimsuit

tights

Pyjamas

Scarf

Jacket

Long underwear

Money and documents

Passport

Visas

Vaccination certificate

Insurance certificate

Cash

Emergency money

Credit/ATM cards

ID card

Address list

Photocopies of passport and other important documents

Photographs for visas/passports etc

International Youth Hostel Card

Wallet

Paper folder

Airline tickets

Train tickets

Things for packing

Backpack

Expandable carry-on

Plastic bags ( Ziploc )

Stuff Sack

Miscellaneous equipment

Pens

Earplugs

Keys

Safety pins

Clothes line

Hygiene

Toilet bag

Razor

Extra blades for Razor

Toothbrush

Toothpaste

Soap

Soap box

Shampoo

Deodorant

Sunblock lotion

Make-up

Tampons

Hair brush

Barrettes, headbands, hair ties

Laundry soap

Laundry bag

Sink plug

Fingernail clippers

Moisturizer

Qtips

Tweezers

General health items

Prescription medicine

Insect repellent

Band-Aids ( Plaster )

First aid kit

Chewing gum

Pills, tablets and medicines

Water purifying tablets

Motion sickness tablets

Fever tablets

Pain killers

Allergy pills

Malaria tablets

Diarrhea medicine

General electrical items

Wall socket adapter

Watch

Bookmark reading light

Extra batteries

Digital camera

Memory cards

Battery charger

Associated cables

Camera bag

Music player

Headphones

EReader

Two More sleeps!

2010-02-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

Well it's the final countdown till I leave, everything appears to be in place. My friend Kathryn the most organized person on earth is coming to help me pack everything I think I need for 3 months into one tiny backpack. Ok it's not really tiny it just seems that way when you think I'll be living out of it for 3 months but that's part of the adventure. Just waiting for purolator to deliver the package of documents from my travel agent and then tonight's job is scanning in all my important documents and id and emailing them to myself and my parents so that if something happens i have copies.

My cat/house sitter K has arrived and I feel a bit invaded. Hadn't realized how much I was getting used to being on my own and how much I like that. Had to have the chat cuz I realize I'm just not into him that way so we're just friends and that's where it's staying, so all that worry and drama for nothing. Sometimes life is that way but this way it's easier this is just a friend thing and there's no complications to mess this up. Tyb already adores K and is happy to follow him around for pets. Adrianna is still standoffish but K won't let her bully him so at least she'll be well looked after and he even tries to pet her once in a while. So I'm confident they're in good hands and will be well looked after.

Most Powerful Organ

2010-01-26T16:18:00.000-08:00

First an apology I really ranted last post and a big thank you for all the supportive replies I didn't really deserve after being so down on everyone. Last night I went for supper with a friend and through our discussion we really ended up reflecting on what James wrote

James 3:5-6
The tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell

Both of us were reflecting that the things that we regretted the most were the times we spoke without thinking. Somehow the things we say are worse than anything we do or don't do and there's nothing you can do that really will erase those words. A word once spoken can't be taken back.

I remember being told that I had two ears and only one mouth for a reason that we should listen twice as much as we speak. Boy is that hard, I like to talk and communicate I'm good at it but listening is hard. However, we risk hurting people more with what we say than when we listen....very rarely perhaps never have I heard someone complain that someone else listened too much.

This also applies to my faith walk, I'm good at talking my faith and I'm good at telling God what I think. However, I'm bad at listening. Every world religion I've looked at incorporates the idea of sitting and being still and listening. This says to me that this must be important to human well being besides being an important way to connect with a God that can seem distant. The problem is we're all just bad at it, we pack our lives with activities, noise, people, and forget to leave time to just sit and be.

So reflecting on this I'm going to find time in my trip to just sit and reflect. I'm going to use the week on the beach in Egypt as a built in quiet time for me. I'm also going to keep working on keeping my tongue under control to listen more and talk less. I'm going to see what that means for my relationships.

A little rant

2010-01-24T22:54:00.000-08:00

So for the most part I try to stay optimistic and upbeat because really no matter what despite everything I have a pretty good life. I also have a fantastic group of family and friends supporting me.

However, there are times when I feel frustrated with things. Tonight is one of them.

So I've been talking with K for months now, we met had a good time but decided that distance was a factor and that we'd just be friends. Things are good, we chat lots, share lots of interests and he's often mentioned moving west to find better work. Well everything kind of worked out and K's going to come here and cat/house sit for me while I'm travelling. This gives him a chance to check out the job situation here in Edmonton, look into a place to live and see if moving west is what he'd like. So all in all a win win situation. There's no guarantee to him or me that if he's here and we try dating that things will work out and this isn't a hey move in with me kind of deal. However, if he does like Edmonton and moves here I'm pretty sure we'll be giving dating a try. So? You're saying what's the problem?

The problem is I am feeling a lot of pressure from my friends and family to not date and this frustrates me. None of them are here each night when I'm sitting at home alone. Most of them have a significant other that they are with. I'm not cheating on Armin, I'm single, I'm not making any promises to K, I'm just going to give dating a try. What's wrong with that? So why can't they offer me a glimmer of support? All I get are blankness, or outright hostility.

I also feel that same resistance as I try to make changes to myself, or my life. I'm sorry if it hurts you to see me moving on. I'm sorry it hurts you to see me living my life with out Armin. This wasn't my first choice, this wasn't what I envisioned but I am going to make the best of this. I can't live like Armin is still here that isn't healthy. So I'm moving on...not quickly...not without hiccups but I am moving on.

This trip is a chance for me to get away from the pressure. To be free to discover me without the pressure and expectations that surround me here. Sometimes we have to go away to find ourselves. I'll miss everyone but this is something I really need. My frustration with things makes that apparent to me.

Trip Planning

2010-01-17T20:58:00.000-08:00

Well it's now underway, I'm out of the dreaming phase and into the OMG AM I REALLY DOING THIS phase. In a little less than 3 weeks (eeeekkk) I'll be boarding a plane. Left a bunch of stuff to the last minute so the beginning of this week will be a flurry of last minute ASAP errands. I'm choosing to have faith it'll all fall into place. So the big question is where and when.

Well I leave Edmonton Feb. 4th two days later I arrive in Dehli where I'll be on a tour with a group for a month of Northern and Southern India ending in Kochi. http://atcadventure.gapadventures.com/trips/india-encompassed/AHHE/ (the link if you'd like more details)

Then I fly to London where I'll do some laundry and some light sightseeing for a few days then I get on the Eurostar and head back to Paris a city J'adore for lots of art time. I also despite my feelings of dorkiness will probably spend a day or so at EuroDisney. After all that it's back to London for a chance to dig a bit deeper into the city and nightlife for a week.

Egypt is next for me I'll fly to Cairo and then take a quick hop to Dahab a Mediterranean beach area for 5 days of sun, sand and relaxation time. Quick hop back to Cairo where I join my tour of Egypt for two weeks. The cool thing about this tour is that it's put on in partnership with Discovery Channel so we get the advantage of their knowledge and access. I also get to go to the ancient Alexandrian Library :-D YAY for nerds like me.

http://atcadventure.gapadventures.com/trips/ancient-egyptian-secrets/DPESD/ (again a link if you'd like more info)

Finally I head back to London and this is where things aren't completely settled yet. I have three weeks to fill and I'm in the process of trying to book a rail tour of Great Britain, Scotland and maybe Ireland. I'll be making some calls this week and trying to get it settled. I think this could be a fun way to see lots in an easy way.

http://www.myguidebritain.com/railway (yet another link)

After all that it's a short flight home I'll be back on May 2nd. Whew and ready to rest.

I've been very lucky in having a friend who is looking to relocate to Edmonton so he'll be house and cat sitting for me for the whole 3 months. He's excited about it, the cats are blase but I think it'll be good for them to have someone with them but they keep their familiar home and routines. Also the added bonus of the house not being empty helps me feel more at ease with being gone so long.

There's a lot of nerves about going off alone but at the same time tons of excitement about living one of my dreams, extended world travel. This is also a way to tackle some of those things I haven't yet, eating out alone, meeting people, etc. but I think in the end this will be empowering for me.

Whew that's enough excitement to keep everyone happy for quite a while. Keep my in your prayers especially that all the details I need to finalize do fall into place.

Happy New Year

2010-01-09T18:48:00.000-08:00

Well many of you have written fabulous year in reviews, that I've quite enjoyed reading. I feel this year doesn't need me to go back over it. So I'm just going to go back and tell you about my christmas and wish you a very Happy 2010.

I actually had a pretty quiet and relaxed Christmas. I stayed at my parents for the whole time and it was really nice to be there and relax. Just lots of time for visiting, relaxing and playing games with the people who matter most, family. Boxing Day with the Ginther family cousins all get together and we had a good time.

Sadly the next day brought the sad news that our Great Aunt Elsie had passed away. She will be greatly missed but illness had meant the last few years had greatly robbed her of her quality of life so in some ways it's good to know she's in a much happier place. She had a gentle servant heart which meant she served for 70 years as church organist and taught Sunday School at least that long. She didn't make big waves or do big things but quietly lived a faith filled life of simplicity. There's a lot of things I'm taking from her life but I'm still processing through them, looking for the ways she's impacted me.

New Year's was a mixed evening, lots of people I didn't expect came and those I would have had different plans. For some reason the new year was harder than Christmas for me. Part of it was seeing so many familiar faces missing brought home the reality that I didn't just loose my husband but I also lost my comfortable life. I once had some friends say they would only be friends with people that were like them. At the time this statement angered and perplexed me, but I think I'm beginning to understand that they were just expressing a ugly truth.

For many years, I've struggled to grasp how come it feels that friendship causes more hurt than joy in my life? Why so often the person you swear is your best friend today will drift away from you tomorrow? I'm realizing it's not because you stop caring for one another, it's because your lives have changed. So the true measure of friendship isn't how often you're together or what you share but what happens when you fall down. So I've realized my feeling hurt because not everyone I expected to see at New Year's wasn't there is silly. What mattered was they were there earlier last year when I really needed it.

The next year brings many changes and that means friendships may drift, people get busy with their own lives, I'll be moving away and in the end that doesn't mean we aren't friends just that life has gotten in the way. No matter what though if any of you fall down, I'll come help pick you up. In the end that's all that matters.

Well it's late, I'm hungry so I'll end sharing my wish that 2010 brings you lots of joy, adventures, time with friends and family and many good memories.

Best Wishes!

Christmas prep

2009-12-08T17:59:00.000-08:00

Well slowly piece by piece I'm bringing out my Christmas decorations and slowly before my eyes my house is transforming into a winter wonderland. Tonight's task though was the hardest, decorating the tree. A few tears were shed but the tree understood and didn't comment. I thought this would be harder than it was though.

I realized that my Christmas tree is full of memories of people and places long gone. There's the porcelain baby my Aunt Sue made me. The beautiful crochet and starched angels and snowflakes made by my Great Aunts whose fingers no longer produce these art pieces. Every year was marked with an ornament from my mom's parents Grandma and Grandpa Sattler until they were no longer with us. There's the little mice in a nut shell Grandpa Ginther made me before he passed away.

There's ornaments from every place I've visited in the last 9 years, the Millennium Falcon from Disney/MGM, an American flag star from Wisconsin beside the London phone booth ornament, a beautiful star from Versailles. The list goes on and on, looking at it I'm awed by the depth of memory and love a few ornaments can show so that now I'm sitting in the glow of the tree and feeling wrapped in love. While some ornaments were hard to hang, there isn't one I would have left off. Together they make a beautiful tapestry. Soon the sadness will fade from them and they'll bring back good memories and stories.

So if you have time this holiday season come over for hot chocolate and I can tell you some of the stories or we can just sit in the glow of the tree and visit creating new memories. I hope all of your Christmas prep is going well and that you are taking time to enjoy this beautiful season of waiting, memories, friends and family.

Butterfly

2009-12-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

Okay to preface this post for those that know me well they know I hate all things that flutter and that includes butterflies....so why you may ask would I be writing a post titled butterfly? Well the metaphor worked so I'm going with it, but this doesn't mean I've revised my opinion of butterflies. I still think their just moths with better publicity and they creep me out in real life.

So it's been a month again since my last post :( and it's been a month of change. I'm officially unemployed and being a bum at home now. I've flip flopped on about 100 decisions an hour. I now know how a caterpillar feels before it cocoons and becomes a butterfly. My skin doesn't feel like it fits, I tried to pick up my life where it left off, I tried to work around the gap, I tried to go on. The problem is that that isn't my life anymore....it doesn't fit. Is this a bad thing?

Probably not just a difficult time to be my support group. I try to make decisions, but go back and forth trying to decide, and I try new things on for a while to see if they fit. Take for example the last few weeks, one minute I'm going to go to New York, the next it's Mexico and now I'm staying home....sorry for all the confusion. I've even found myself eyeing some different clothing options than I've ever looked at before. Why? I'm trying to figure out who I am on my own. I'm a caterpillar who knows I'm not a caterpillar really inside but what I'm going to be I'm not sure.

So for the next little while I'll be cocooning not the prettiest stage I'm sure....and there may be weird decisions or fashion choices or activities that I try. Please be patient it's tough growing wings, it's tough deciding what you're going to look like, what your life should look like for the next few years and it's tough saying goodbye to a life you liked. At some point it should settle down and then I'll begin testing those wings, taking flight slowly and exploring this new life I've found myself in.

See the metaphor really works well. So this next month is all about making plans for the next 6 ahead are trips, school, a move, a visit from K, and many adventures. I'm scared, and excited and sad all at the same time but I'm going forward and that's all I can ask of myself.

This is also my favorite time of year, the snow is falling, Christmas is ahead of us and now we get to wait, anticipating the arrival of a baby who will change the world. I love Christmas and all the activities that surround it and this year will be a tough one but I'm looking for the good in the season. So if you need someone to go to that craft fair, or go shopping with or to help you decorate or wrap presents or bake cookies....I'm your girl! Give me a call, we'll have fun and make a memory.

Seasons Blessings to all of you

Butterfly

Finalizing Plans

2009-11-06T10:43:00.000-08:00

Well it's been awhile since I posted and I apologize. I hit a rough patch where I just didn't feel like communicating but I'm coming out of it and I've started taking some steps to finalize my plans for the next few months.

First off I quit my job, this has been in my mind for a while but I didn't want to say too much until it was official. December 1st will be my last day at the library, which is kind of sad but exciting at the same time. I quit for a number of reasons but mostly so I could pursue some dreams of mine. So I will be enjoying the Christmas season and a trip to New York for some holiday shopping and visiting with friends there.

Then K will be visiting from Halifax for New Years and some skiing in the mountains. My trip to Halifax was very nice, it's a gorgeous province and it reminded me how diverse this country is. K and I are just friends because it's just not possible to casually date when you live on opposite sides of the country and anything more than that I'm just not really ready for. So the best case scenario happened there I saw a beautiful place and made a new friend so be happy for me.

Then if my visas come through in time I'll leave mid January and go for a month to India with a tour group. I'm excited about this tour it has two nature safaris, a home stay component, and it tours northern and southern india. Then I'll be home for a few weeks and then I'm looking into a 2 week tour of Egypt that includes a stay in the dessert with some of the dessert tribes and sailing the Nile. That would bring us to April aka Birthday Month which I couldn't miss there's too many important people to celebrate that month. Then if my money holds out I'm aiming for a two week safari in Kenya/Tanzania.

After all that travel fun I'll be moving to Regina to begin a Bachelor of Education degree in Early Childhood Education. Why Regina? They do the program the way I want, my practicums would be in preschools not elementary schools and well why not Regina.

Wow a lot of changes are ahead for me and my faithful kitty companions but we're looking forward to it and will be sharing our fun with you along the way! Please continue to pray for my family, my sister is struggling and we're trying to support her and cheer her on as she's taking some very important steps towards better health. Also pray for me I'm really starting to feel the permanence of this loneliness and it weighs on me and also for safety as I travel and wisdom as I'm making decisions about my future. I sure appreciate the support I've received especially as my plans have been so fluid and ever changing. When all things seem possible it's hard to nail things down.

Love Hurts

2009-10-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

It seems every time I get my feet back under me and start feeling like I have control, God needs to remind me that he's in control. Last night being a case in point. I was home proud of myself for getting stuff done enjoying an online chat and movie with K. Then the doorbell rings and it's my neighbor M looking at me with pain filled eyes. Are all your kitties home? she asks and then I knew...no not all the kitties were home Cordelia my lovely little Delia had slipped out earlier when I took the garbage out to enjoy the cool fall evening. Sadly for a reason I'll never understand she went near the busy the road and was struck by a car. M helped me put Delia in a box and today I'll take her to the SPCA for cremation. Today the house feels a little emptier, Tyb her brother is wandering around looking for her, today I'm reminded that it hurts to love. K called me after this happened and I remarked I was tempted to not love anymore because it hurts but he reminded me that not loving would hurt more. It is worth the risk because for the time you have the person, animal, thing you love your life is better, richer and fuller. Sadly because sin entered the world bad things happen people and animals die untimely deaths but that doesn't mean we stop caring or loving.

This was timely advice...since K is a new interest in my life and I've been getting a lot of warnings about how I could get hurt. People I've already been hurt but I'd rather get hurt knowing love than not love at all. Is it too soon to be thinking about a new relationship...I don't know....I didn't go looking for this it just happened but if anything I've learned that our time is short so we should seize the moment and explore the possiblities. K and I have been spending a lot of time chatting, web camera chatting, phone chatting...and I'm taking the leap I'm going to visit him in Nova Scotia. Is there a chance I'll get hurt...possibly....but I'm willing to try.

For my birthday my parents took me to the Mayfield dinner theater for their Nashville Hits show....a big sacrifice on my country music disliking parents part. I truly appreciate them sitting through a whole show of country music for me. The one actor sang the song "The Dance" and it's been sticking with me ever since...

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

Happy Birthday

2009-09-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

Well it's official I'm now 30. Somehow I thought I'd feel different about this, but I just feel blah today. I didn't plan anything so it's going to be very low key just some cake and ice cream tonight with my family. I kind of wish I had planned something but doing so just seemed to make the fact Armin isn't here more real. I had a nice weekend scrapbooking with a very nice group of people. We were at a beautiful b&b in Evansburg with excellent food and all we did from 8 in the morning until 2 at night was work on our projects. I got a lot done and really enjoyed myself. Actually everything's been a lot blah lately and I've reallly noticed the emptiness around me. I know I haven't been reaching out enough but days go by without seeing anyone but the cats so it was nice to be around people all weekend. I've been spending way too much time online just surfing idly so I'm going to have to get a move on getting involved in something that gets me out of the house or people into the house. Right now the move is at a complete stop. With the decision to head to Regina for school still floating around and looking like a very good option and taking some time off before to travel. It seems dumb to move twice in less than a year and before paying for schooling it seems dumb to move into a place where I'd need a mortgage when I can live here for free. It's also central so I can sucker people easier into stopping by to feed cats while I'm away for longer times. So the repairs will happen next week but after that I'm going to hold steady for a bit and wait until I know what I want in the next few weeks/months before moving.

Well happy birthday to me! 30 isn't as scary as it seems!

Holding Steady

2009-09-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

Well still can't seem to get the Ottawa photos up...technical difficulties but I'm still trying. Glad to report that life is pretty normal so there's just not much to talk about. Cleaned the house yesterday, it was long overdue and now I'm enjoying the benefits of having a nice clean place. I don't know why I put it off so long, since really once you get going it's not that bad.

I'm beginning to look into some travel opportunities and looking for some travel companions, although if none materialize I'll just go it alone or join a tour group. I think I'd like to go after Christmas and the list of places I'm interested in are, Egypt, Africa, India and I'd like to spend more time in Europe. The travel is just phase one of my new plan and will eat up the months until phase 2...

I've also decided to go back to school. This is a two step plan: step one instead of just a general year of upgrading I'm going to go back and get my B.Ed. in Early Childhood Education then I'm going to get my Master of Library Science. Only problem is the B.Ed. program I'm interested in is in Regina. Now I'm debating the merits of moving from the house into something else in Edmonton when I'm just going to move again to Regina in the summer. It's nice to feel like I have a plan though, although the idea of moving someplace where I don't know anyone is a little overwhelming but I figure it's just for a few years at the most and I'll immerse myself in school, hopefully meet some people in class and then come home to Edmonton for the MLIS program at the UofA.

Well I guess there's more going on that I thought but at least I don't feel stressed or upset, just normal which is really quite nice.

A Clear Head - My trip to Ottawa

2009-09-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

Well okay despite promises, this post is a little late getting put up. Hopefully the video of my pictures displays for you all. I spent a little time in our nation's capital city and it was a great break for me and gave me a chance to clear my head. A big thank you to Greg, Ranee and the girls for letting me stay at their place and for all the wonderful hospitality they showed me.

I'll admit that I didn't do a ton of sightseeing, opting instead for some retail therapy :-D, sleeping in and watching some Star Trek movies. I did get to the Parliment building twice. We went and saw the Light and Sound show the one evening where they project a film and lights onto the buildings. It was very cool and despite being a little east coast biased made me feel glad to be a Canadian. Then the next day we went back and did the tour of the building, visited the War Memorial Chapel and went to the top of the Peace Tower. It was a great day to visit since Parliment isn't in session, the Senate wasn't meeting and the Library was open so we got to see everything. Of course being a bit of a nerd the library was my favorite part as you'll see from all the photos.

The best part of the trip for me was just getting away from everything for a few days which allowed me some space to really think about things and put stuff in perspective. I think I'm getting close to a plan for the next little bit but since it's not finalized I won't be making it public here. If you're really interested email me and I'll fill you in. Mainly I'm asking for your prayers that if this is the way I'm supposed to go God will give me peace about my decisions and let things move forward.

Getting home was nice until I saw the mess the cats made for me. Silly me I left a roll of paper towels out...man do they like paper towels :D they shredded the whole roll and left paper towel fluff pretty much everywhere. They were glad to see me and we spent the whole day on Wednesday together watching Dr. Who season 1. Can't believe I missed seeing this when it was first on but I'm rapidly catching up on my Dr. Who and greatly enjoying it. I also watched the first season of Coupling while I was away and it was light and funny with that awesome dry British sense of humour I sure do enjoy.

It was great to be back at work and I've started back into the programming swing of things by kicking off my Time for Two's program today. Wow put 12 two year olds in a room and just watch the excitement happen. Actually it was a really good start, the kids are so sweet we sang a bunch of songs, did a bunch of rhymes and even read a couple of books. I'm looking forward to the next 6 weeks with this group. I'm really enjoying the chance to build a 6 week program where each week builds on what we did last week, and the chance to have continuity with the group. In the past I've been doing more one off programs so it's been fun developing this series of programs and getting the chance to try some of my ideas out on a larger scale. I think this might be one of my favorite ages, they are really able to participate, they're learning so much and absorb everything like a sponge.

Well I work early tomorrow so I should wrap up for tonight.

Sand in my shoes

2009-09-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

Well my shoes are full of sand, I have dirt under my fingernails and my soul is refreshed. Amazing what a visit to the playground can do for one's soul. There's something about watching kids play and playing along that just feeds your spirit and helps you remember that there is a time when the world is uncomplicated and joy is unfettered. Kids are fearless, they don't stop to think about whether they can or can't do something they just go because they haven't learned about consequences, they haven't learned that things aren't always going to be alright, that sometimes parents aren't fast enough to catch you and that isn't a bad thing. Maybe as a grownup I need to live that way a little more, stop worrying about the consequences, do what I want to do, make the leap and trust that if I fall someone will catch me. Yes I know that sometimes people fall but I've also seen them get back up. So I'm going to keep a little sand in my shoes and playground in my heart. Thanks for the visit Alice I enjoyed digging in the sand with you and remembering that life doesn't have to be so heavy!

Weakness

2009-09-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

I thought things were getting easier but then grief hits me again and it seems harder than ever. I'm flashing back to the day he died, the images I've fought to forget from that day won't leave me alone. I cried so hard last night I made myself sick so I phoned in sick from work, I'm beginning to feel like the worst employee in the world. I used to be reliable, focused and positive but now I barely make it through a shift. I feel horrible about it.

I'm also being hit pretty hard with how much I've lost. I just want my life back the way it was. How can you move forward when all you want to do is run back to what you had. How do you teach your heart to stop feeling hope that this is all a bad dream. I love him so much, he was my world, my best friend, my better half and I want him back. I knew how lucky I was to have him I didn't need to lose him to learn that. I miss all the little things we shared, hearing I love you in German, the song "you are my sunshine", his hugs, nothing anymore smells like him, I miss the little emails we'd share, I miss laughing with him, I still talk to him when I'm alone but I miss the answers.

Why did he have to go? Why didn't we get our happily ever after? I've said this all before, I've asked all these questions before but I still have no answers.

Practicing Patience

2009-08-31T09:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm officially fed up with this whole "moving" process mainly because it's not moving. I've decided though that this is God trying to teach me patience. Too bad I'm so bad at it. My tendency is to think a lot about a decision, but once I make it I just want it done. Not so this time, it's no one's fault or anything. It's just every step of this prepping the house to sell takes 10 times as long as I thought and involves 10 times the problems I thought. So I'm looking around for bible verses on patience because this is obviously not one of the fruits of the spirit I posses in abundance. Any suggestions?

I now have an awesome handyman "my uncle Gene" who's going to get everything done but he can't come until the end of September. If anyone in the Edmonton area needs a handyman ask me for his contact information...he's awesome and thorough. I know when he's done the house will easily make back what I'm spending to fix it up.

I also had a lot of great help at my fix up party yesterday. Even with the very hot weather we got a lot done and items packed. I'm still exhausted today from it and humbled by the awesome help I got at a point where I really needed it. It helped me feel better about my support network and restored my faith in my friends and family...which never should have wavered.

It's really humbling to realize how much support I have to draw on and how much I forget that sometimes while I'm trying to steamroll ahead. Sometimes slowing down and practicing patience reveals the holy in the little things. I've been so busy stressing myself and my family and friends out by trying to rush through these pre-moving steps that I've been missing the chances to just visit and be supported by the people who care about me the most. So here's the invite come for a cup of tea, let's go for supper, do you need some help, give me a call.

I'm going to enjoy the next month and not fret about the house or the time it's taking because all these road blocks obviously are a sign that it's not time yet...see God can hit us over the head if we don't listen...and I'm going to trust that when it's time, I'll get a buyer, I'll find an awesome place and it'll all be the right thing. Remember God says, "All things work for good"

Thanks for you patience with me and I'm going to go keep practicing.

Two in one night!!

2009-08-25T21:56:00.001-07:00

Separate from my little rant I wanted to share some songs that have been giving me hope, helping express my feelings and just plain saying what I'm thinking.

Duffy

This artist rocks she's got these amazing lyrics, a smokey bluesy voice and she has two songs whose lyrics speak to me.

I'm Scared

The blank pages of my diary,
That I haven't touched since you left me,
The closed blinds in my home
See no light of day.
Dust gathers on my stereo
Cos I can't bare to hear the radio
The piano sits in a shaded space
With a picture of your face.

I'm scared to face another day
Cos the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone and I'm scared.

Coffee stains on your favorite book
Remind me of you so I can't take a look.
The magazines you left on the floor,
You won't need them anymore.

A towel left hangin on the wall,
No sign of wet foosteps in the hall
There's no smell of your sweet cologne.
I'm lying here alone.

I'm scared to face another day
Cos the fear in me just won't go away.
In an instant, you were gone and now I'm scared.

Distant Dreamer

Although you think I cope
My head is filled with hope of some place other than here
Although you think I smile
Inside and all the while I'm wondering about my destiny

I'm thinking about all the things
I'd like to do in my life
I'm a dreamer, a distant dreamer
Dreaming far away from today

Even when you see me frown my heart won't let me down
Because I know there's better things to come, woah yeah
And when life gets tough and I feel I've had enough
I hold on to a distant star

Miley Cyrus

Okay I know I'm a little old, but hey she does have a good voice and some of her stuff isn't too bad. A guilty pleasure is her new song Party in the USA not deep but fun. However it's the song The Climb that is really uplifting to me and helps me feel better.

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

Billie Holliday

She's long been a favorite of mine, in fact she's who I'd listen to when Armin and I were first dating. She can sing a love song but it's her blues I'm listening to now. If you've never listened to her then listen up this woman is one of the best. The song I'm loving the most is I'll be seeing you, there are other versions of this song out there but she does it best and brings out the depth that you miss with other artists.

l'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through.

In that small cafe;
The park across the way;
The children's carousel;
The chestnut trees;
The wishin' well.

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day;
In every thing that's light and gay.
I'll always think of you that way.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

There's always a lot more but these are the ones playing right now for me. Maybe if ya'll like these I'll post some more recommendations for you. I'll try to figure out a way to get these to play on my page for you...hmmm a challenge. If not check them out they are worth it I promise.

Why I'll always need my parents

2009-08-25T21:41:00.000-07:00

Okay with a potential buyer on the hook and going to look at places I began to stress. I can't seem to get the help I need to get the few fix up jobs around here done. I also began to put a time stress on myself that wasn't really realistic and wasn't helpful. So I began to freak out, I cried at Kathryn my loyal and very helpful companion. However, I knew where I needed to go. I vented to myself on the way out to my parents. Then I spilled all my worry and frustration out to them, they listen really well :D Then they helped me see the solutions I already had, helped me find a few I didn't know about and helped me see some of the unrealistic expectations I was putting on myself. Man it's great to have people that know you and understand you and love you even when you've worked yourself into a real state. I still want to get things done but Kathryn and I came up with an action plan to get some stuff done and my parents helped me find some ideas for what to do after that. They also helped me see that it doesn't all have to be done yesterday and that while it's okay to feel frustrated that nothing's getting done and that I'm hurt that I can't get the support and help I need sometimes that I can get through this and don't need to let it take over everything. In other words I was making a hill into a mountain (it's bigger than a molehill) and that I'm still a little fragile right now so it doesn't take much to send me over the edge and into full blown shut down panic mode.

It's been tough how isolated I'm feeling, I know it's not intentional but it does seem that everyone is busily moving on and forgotten that I'm still fragile underneath the surface and that I'm still struggling to put my life together. The biggest hurt is when people say they can't be here at the house it's just too hard for them and I want to scream but I have to live here and you don't think it's hard. That's why I'm wanting to move, I need to get out of this house. No matter how much I move furniture or rearrange pictures there's still this feeling that he could walk in any moment, I still listen for him to come home, I still see him everywhere. I can take his clothes out of the closet but it's still our closet not mine. Everywhere I turn our past together in this house haunts me and our dreams for the future taunt me. I feel trapped and I want out not that I want to forget him but in order to move on I need a fresh start.

I'm so thankful for the support I have been given and I don't mean to make people feel bad and I don't want pity. I just need to be honest about the isolation and hurt I've been feeling. There is disappointment but there are also steady rocks in my life. I guess this is one of those moments where you find out where you really stand and who your support network is.

Finance 101

2009-08-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

Today I learned the value of a financial planner. For five months I've been fighting over things with the bank, with the whole thing getting more and more messed up. While the bank has made mistakes I'll agree that I've also not been the most on top of things. Armin was our finance guy which means I agreed to take the backseat...DUMB...so now I'm just not as on top of things as I should be. Not that I didn't know what was going on with our finances I just didn't do the little details. Well now I'm in charge and things were going downhill, my frustration level was rising and I was beginning to think I was financially retarded.

NOT TRUE says the financial planner. In a one hour session he got everything figured out, told me what to write to the bank to get it figured out, what questions I need to ask my house/car insurance company, helped me figure out an investment plan which means I could retire comfortably at 55 (Yup 55) and pays me money each month, took care of transfering Armin's pension money into a pension for me as well next session we'll go over my mortgage needs and my future insurance needs. I think I'm in love....well okay he's my dad's age and not my type but you know what I mean. I now have a binder with everything organized instead of a pile of paper. I'll be getting monthly investment statements with the option to go online everyday and watch my investments.

I'm finding myself wondering why more people don't know about this fabulous service, the first appointment was free and then based on what services you want you have fixed costs for some of them or some of them work like your bank costs. So the second big thing I've learned is a financial planner is totally worth it they can help with finance, insurance, future planning now all I have to worry about is what to spend it on....that's the part I'm good at. So what are you waiting for....

Power of positivity

2009-08-19T19:48:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning and decided I wouldn't let things get me down but that I'd be positive. Today marks a happy day and just like with all the other holidays and birthdays I've faced I decided to look for the good. So just an update to say it's been a good day, K and I packed boxes of books we're about half done. I filled 2 bags and a bin with goodwill items (all mine) and for a special treat for me....brownies fresh baked and ready soon to be served with vanilla bean ice cream....mmmmm....

On prayer news please pray for my Grandma, her finger thing is getting weirder so they are going to take it off (the finger I mean). This third surgery is set for September 4th and should hopefully be the last in this finger bone cancer saga. Grandma's a little anxious and frustrated with the process so just pray for peace for her and steady hands for the surgery team.

On Tuesday I'll be going to look at a variety of places trying to decide what I want to move to. This should be exciting and fun, my realtor keeps telling me not to fall in love but there is this one listing...but really I need to see some places before I make any decisions. I'll keep you all posted on my shopping day!

Well the brownies and my new magazines call, if you're ever bored and need something to do give me a call...I have quite a few projects needing doing or avoiding depending on your mood.

Un-Happy Anniversary

2009-08-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

Today (while okay in 2 hours) it's the 19th of August. 9 years ago was my wedding day, now I'm celebrating the fact I'm not crying (yet at least) as I miss the man I thought I would be growing old with. 9 years ago was one of my happiest days, 5 months ago was one of the saddest. Inside I'm screaming like a 2 year old NOT FAIR but outside I seem to have it together.

The hardest things for me right now is saying goodbye to the dreams we had together. Deciding to sell the house meant an acceptance that those dreams we had for this place and our life here were not going to happen. There won't be any little feet (except cat paws), there won't be a need to build an addition or build our own place out by my parents. We won't get to go to vegas next year for our 10th anniversary. The trips we had planned won't happen. That's a tough pill to swallow.

So now what new dreams do I want to dream...do I throw myself into work, go back to school, travel, persue my art? Where do I want to live, a townhouse in the suburbs, an apartment condo overlooking the river valley, a funky loft in the downtown core, someplace by Whyte? What will I take with me? What should I get rid of? and what the heck do you do with a 9year old wedding dress when the marriage is over and there's no one to inherit it (like they would have wanted it anyways)?

I've been blessed with a lot of great help so the garage is all cleaned out, it only took 3 trips to the eco centre, 3 truck loads went to the farm and 1 to goodwill, a dozen garbage and recycling bags and a few items left for me to deliver to friends, or a pawnshop. I only cried once when I found that he'd kept a valentine I'd sent him in his toolbox, that hurt to know he kept it in one of his favorite places, just like seeing all the things I'd given him in the boxes from his office.

Next up is boxing up my books so I can lay carpet in the study this should only take a few days despite rumors to the contrary. Left to do is some painting, trim work, ceiling tiles in the basement and a deep cleaning. I think I may actually be able to get this done before September so my plans to list will go forward. If you're able to help with some of the finishing work I'd sure appreciate it, construction isn't my strong suit :-D

When I focus on the details of my to do list I can ignore the pain behind the decisions but the pain will catch up with me usually at night when I let myself just breathe.

As a side note I'm really wanting to go out dancing...all night like we used to. I know you're all feeling old but I say bull...you're only as old as you feel so give yourself permission to have some fun and join me for an evening. I just need to blow off some steam and dancing's the easiest way to do that. Email me if you're interested.

Well here's wishing you a happy anniversary sweetheart, wish you were here...missing you lots.

XOXO